Hello. New here. Just registered

[peony1]

Hi.  I'm Peony1 and I just wanted to have some people to share with who understand the way that I feel.

I have suffered from depression on and off since my teens and I'm now in my forties.  I have lost my very successful job because of it and have no friends or family close by.  I have a lovely husband and two teenage girls who are based with my ex, their father because of my history and I miss them very much.

Today is just a 'down' day.  Most of the time I can battle through and entertain myself and I do take my AD meds but it's just the loneliness and sense of being a failure that drowns me sometimes.

Guess not the sort of person you want to talk to!

[Zaf]

Hi peony and welcome

We all certainly understand how depression affects you,  I've suffered intermittently since the 90's and I really dont think that anyone that hasn't suffered has any idea what its like.

Everyone here will help as much as they can, even if its just for a chat, some days we feel better than others (which you will of course understand) so individuals only respond when they feel able.

Having depression isnt a failure,  its an illness, would you think you were a failure if you had high blood pressure or diabetes?

Look forward to hearing from you some more xx

[peony1]

Zaf,

Thank you for the response.  I'm really trying hard at the moment but can't find any enjoyment in things and spent most of the last 36 hours sleeping.  That's an escape.

I used to be a teacher for 25 years, always surrounded by life and vitality and I felt that I was contributing and that I was valued.  I came out of an abusive marriage 7 years ago and my ex sought to get me out of the home (a farm, so he wan't going to move) and when I was in an emotional mess he used that to keep my two daughters.  I have recently learnt that he's moving his girlfriend of three years in with him so it will be happily families all round as she has two children as well.  I've never even met her.  He tells me that she thinks I'm terrible for abandoning my children and she doesn't want to meet me.

I just feel that everything I've tried to do has been a failure.  I had tons of friends through my job but I let them down through the depression ( I was a senior manager at the school) and I haven't seen any of them for at least a couple of years.

Just so lonely and I can't understand why anyone would want to be my friend.

[Zaf]

Sometimes its best to let your body get the rest and sleep that it needs peony and try not to feel guilty that you need to and that you arent doing things that you feel you ought to (difficult I know) at the moment I am sleeping over 12 hours a day and still not feeling as though I have had any sleep.  Not getting any enjoyment from life is one of the horrible things depression does to you

I'm not surprised you have depression if you were in an abusive relationship, its a lot to cope with as well as a family and a demanding job,  you know the real reason you had to leave your children,  its best to ignore the girlfriend if you possibly can,  firstly she only knows what she has been told by your ex husband and is probably going to be biased even if she was told the truth.

I know its difficult not to think of yourself of a failure after all thats happened to you but its the illness thats caused you to lose your job and your friends, rather than anything to do with your capabilities or your personality.

Its so very easy only to think inwards and get isolated when you are depressed, do you have any opportunities to go out (or do you feel you are able to) to find new people that you can eventually make friends with?

[peony1]

Just wanted to add.  My mother attempted suicide twice when I was in my early twenties and ended up hospitalised and having ECT therapy.  She never talks about it.  Also, her cousin committed suicide ten years ago by throwing herself off a cliff.  Clearly there is some genetic factor in all this.  I just wish that she could talk to me about it but she lives 200 miles away and just brushes me off when I say I'm down. I think that it reminds her of what happened and she's ashamed of that episode in her life.  I'm an only child so there's no other family.

I don't think that the genetic factor is everything but it worries me.  My doctor just tells me that 'we all have things that we have to put up with' when I've tried to talk to him.  I had a brilliant doctor before who would spend 30 minutes talking with me and didn't treat me like a moron but her retired.

[peony1]

Thank you.  I do want to have friends but then I feel as though I don't know how to behave around people any more.  I also live in the countryside so it's difficult.  I know that in not going out I'm my own worst enemy but the prospect is really scary. I hate the thought of bumping into my ex in the local town and I only really like going out with my daughters when they come over as I feel safe then.

[Zaf]

I think there may be the possibility of a genetic link as I believe my mum has suffered from depression on occasions in the past.  Even if there isnt having to cope with something like that as a child must have some effect

Is there any possibility of getting some counselling?  I know it can seem scary but I've found that a good counsellor really can help enormously

[Zaf]

I'm going off line for 2-3 hours but dont think Ive abandoned you,  if you want to chat a bit I'll be back later :)

[Lol]

Peony1 Hello and welcome. You are going through a period of self reflection and it is difficult for you. You have been through a lot in your life and done your best. What life has given you and how others have behaved has nothing to do with you as a person and was nothing you could have controlled. Somtimes your own circumstances are a product of others bad behaviour, or simply a clashing of beliefs. From what you are saying, you are a person for whom family is important, that doesn't sound like some one who no one would want to be friends with.

Keep letting out your thoughts here if it is helpful, and we will listen and help as much as we can.

[Depina]

Welcome Peony
Hope the forum helps you
Tired, so speak soon
Sleep well
XX