One Hundred Ways For a Dog to Train It's Human

[Ezel]

Master or Servant?

Humans like to think we are pack animals, looking for a leader.  How wrong they are.  Little do they realise it is the family who are the pack, as it is they who will end up running their lives around us.

[Ezel]

There are occasions when we can communicate with our human companions.  Eyes are very important in this process.  Picture the scene.  It's a nice hot sunny day, perfect for lounging about in the garden.  You decide to go out and laze around but want to take your nice clean bedding with you.  As you drag it all outside across the dry dusty vegetable patch, your human may shout and stare at you.  Watch those eyes.  That stare will translate as something along the lines of "Don't even dream about bringing that lot back inside the house tonight!" 

Do not worry about this.  Simply glare back in a way that says, "Who's dreaming?"

Sometimes, if that doesn't work, try a look that says, "Sorry, do I know you?"   

[Ezel]

Imagine it's a cold winter's day and the back garden is covered with snow. Pure, white, virginal snow.  Not a blot marks this landscape.  You will have an urge to change this.  So will your human.  Make sure you do it first.  Urinating has the benefit of changing the snow to a delicate shade of amber and usually puts your human off from playing about in it.

[Ezel]

The human urge to mess up a patch of virginal sand, chalk, dust or mud is not as strong as it is with snow.  However make sure you continue to be the first on the scene, just in case.  Don't ignore cowpats either.

[Ezel]

Your human may often be told that they look like you.  It's a common thought that owners look like their animals.  What's often not said is which part of your body they look like.  Try to ensure it's a part of your body that you can lick.

[Ezel]

There are just some things that we are masterful at and could not possibly train our humans to do.  Our tongues reach parts our humans just dream of getting to.  We also have the ability to break wind and look innocent at the same time.  Don't try to train them on how to do this.  It will only embarrass you.

[Ezel]

When your human throws a stick, ask yourself three important questions:

*  Is it a stick you particularly want?
*  Can you be naffed to go and get it?
*  Does your human look stupid enough to go and get it if you don't only to throw it one more time in the hope that they might encourage you to go get it this time?

If you answer "No" to the first two and "Yes" to the third, just lie down on the ground and watch your human tire themselves out.