Feeling good! But...

[Munchroom]

Hi all,

Well... wow, I don't really know where to start! Last year I left a job which I really really wasn't happy in - hadn't been for years and it had knocked my confidence quite a bit, so much so that when I did start a job with proper responsibility, I couldn't cope... I tried to hide it from everybody (including myself) but I was completely falling apart. Not eating, not sleeping - panicking about the thought of what to wear in the morning, never mind the drive to work and then a day at work! I don't think it was all work based stressed, perhaps it was just waiting for something to trigger it off... but that was how it ended up.

Aaaaaanyway. That was last August. I left my job because I simply could not face it - started on a whole run of anti-depressants! (after 5 different ones, I'm finally on some that seem to do something!) Saw my doctor regularly, started drawing, was put in touch with the local mental health practice which have been helpful. But, slowly, it was getting worse - I got to the point where I literally could not walk to the end of my road (not far - and I live in the sleepiest village imaginable!) I started self harming, suicidal thoughts became more frequent and stronger, then the problems with food I thought I had said goodbye to - the not being able to eat because I was so anxious about work, resurfaced - with a vengeance!

I should mention at this point - my friend. I'm gonna call him Peter because this COULD be read by anyone! We had been good friends before all of this - he knew my boyfriend before me, but as we got to know each other we actually got on better - shared interests and such. When I got ill, we got closer - nothing inappropriate - but he was very supportive. I used to refer to him, my boyfriend and my mum as 'my nest' anyone outside of that at my lowest point was way out of my comfort zone. They were they only people I trusted 100% and the only people that knew what was going on in my head (aside from my doctor) BUT he started to overstep the mark... possibly not that apparent to me at the time because I was all over the place, but my boyfriend was gradually getting more and more pissed off at just HOW supportive he was being - buying me things, suggesting things for me to do, ringing my support worker without consulting anyone... not that my boyfriend wasn't being supportive, please don't think that - he has been more than fantastic throughout this - but, and i understand it more now, he felt Peter was muscling his way into our relationship. It came to a head about two months ago when I found out that Peter had taken a photo of me whilst I was sleeping. I was livid, as was my boyfriend and I was advised by everyone around me at the time to cut him off completely and concentrate on getting better and my relationship with my boyfriend. And that is what I did.

Over the last few months I have got a lot better! I can see it and everyone around me can.... We are seeing more of other friends, I'm happy to leave the house on my own (when I absolutely HAVE to) but I'm still working with my support worker on that. I'm able to concentrate on things in the house and look forward to things, I have a very part time job in a place where I have worked before and everyone there is very friendly and encouraging and they understand when depression and anxiety are like! which is wonderful!!

BUT

I don't sleep. The doctor has prescribed me some medication to help with this and although I feel it helps me get OFF to sleep... it doesn't prevent me from waking up and lying awake most of the night... My doctor is on holiday at the moment and I don't feel comfortable talking with another doctor because he has seen me through all of this. Also, it is not the first sleeping medication I have tried and I know he is reluctant to prescribe anything particularly strong... I have started taking double the very small dose he originally prescribed - and I know this is dangerous and not ideal, it helps me get at least a little sleep.
I also struggle with food. Everyone tells me to eat tiny things three times a day - but that is a real struggle. I try and make sure I eat a really good and healthy meal in the evening with my boyfriend and although it take me aggges I usually manage it and he is very encouraging. But this is just because I know I cannot run on empty - I LOVE food, I always have, I love cooking it and I have always enjoyed eating it (although I have never eaten huge portions) but now I have no desire for it whatsoever - I have lost a stone and a half since last august and i wasn't big to start with!
Also - I miss Peter. My boyfriend never wants to see him again and dislike that I am even still in contact with him - only on msn, i havent 'spoken' to him or seen him for months. But we were so close and I miss having his friendship - I'm still pretty confused about this one!

So... oh my god, what an essay, sorry its so long!! I just feel like I'm teetering on the edge and its really really scary! Is this normal, is it a part of getting better??? I always figured this wasn't going to just go away overnight but I feel like I'm slowly getting back into the mask wearing way I was before.... I feel better in myself, but I'm still so terrified under the surface it doesn't feel like it'll take much to be straight down at the bottom again - and I'm so worried that this time, if I fall, its going to be so much harder.... But sometimes I feel that if i mention this to someone then they think I'm being negative...

I don't know - sometimes I just feel like I have so many thoughts in my head and even when I get them out I'm not sure what I was trying to say in the first place.... 

Sorry for such a long post!!

[junior]

Hi Munchroom,
I too get scared that things could change andmake me feel soooo depressed again, but we need to fight it off and stay strong.
I sure it was hard for a friendship to fall apart but i think you did the right thing, Peter should not have been calling anyone without asking you first and he really shouldn't have been taking pictures of you sleeping.
Hope you continue to feel better
Junior

[Munchroom]

Thanks Junior - and thankyou for reading all the way though my stupidly long blurb!! (I've tried to delete it since because I'm sure no-one want to read all of that! But with no avail  )

I think I've had my first taster of a downwards spiral... We've just had a really really good evening with some friends and got a bit 'merry' shall we say... now they have gone, my boyfriends asleep and I'm wide awake! Literally... like I'm wired  I've come downstairs for a sneaky ciggie (a recent habit which is thoroughly disapproved of...) and have, ashamedly, felt the need to self harm again after WEEKS of not doing it!!

I don't know whether to put it down to extreme tiredness or alcohol or what?.... Maybe the day I've been dreading where it all suddenly disappears has come 

[lightenup]

Hi Munchroom  !"£ to the forum.  Its good to let it out, you maybe don't realise this but by posting how you feel and what your going through also helps others in a similar situation know they are not alone.  Sometimes when we are not well it is difficult to post or try and help, but you will notice how many people have read your post.  Please help by posting to others when you feel well enough, and don't be afraid to rant as it in someways is quiet theraputic....Take care

[Munchroom]

Thankyou lightenup - It would appear that the other night was a temporary 'blip' and lasted for a couple of days... So *fingers crossed!!* I will carry on as before and make more of an effort to not let myself get too tired - that seems to be more of a trigger than anything!

[lightenup]

I always when I feel a little better do way too much, then I am exhausted and then the depression strikes with a vegeance, I try and break the cycle but when I am feeling good I'm invincable and not ill at all  

[Munchroom]

I try and break the cycle but when I am feeling good I'm invincable and not ill at all  

That is exactly it!! When i'm feeling good I feel I can do absolutley anything! And there is a part of me that knows that even if its just going to be a temporary low, the goodness isn't going to last, so I try and cram a lot in so I can try and relax without feeling guilty about it when I AM low!

It is such a viscious cycle though - I was trying to explain it to my doctor thismorning (who is really pleased with how I seem to be doing at the moment!! :) ) But I'm not sure he completley understood how I was getting it across... luckily my boyfriend seems to be able to tell when I need to stop and is good at getting me to have a rest for a bit. One of my support workers told me we need to both sit down togther and agree that even when I am on top of the world and talking and talking and talking and feeling invincible - even if when he tells me to slow down I tell him to piss off (which... I don't think I ever would do!  ) he is to make me! And i think when that situation does arise, it is very useful to have someone that can pick up on it....

[Grant]

Hi Munchroom...

You mention a lot of your symptoms in your post, but havent really said much about where it stems from?  Is this because you are uncomfortable airing it, or because you just dont know?

With regards to your friend, I think its safe to say that no guy can TRULY care about a girl without also having some form of romantic feelings towards her.  I dont think its bad - its quite natural - but needs to be controlled.  Him taking the photo was overstepping a line, and a BIG mistake on his part.  The question is - can he limit himself to being a friend, or does he need more?  If he is overall a good, trustworthy guy - and this was just a momentary lapse of judgement - maybe you (and your boyfriend) can give him a break... But if he cant keep his side of the line, then no good can come of a relationship with him.

Just to stress my point again, there's a lot of emotional energy that goes into caring for someone who is battling - and it can be hard to direct that energy in a healthy way.  Remember he is human - and everybody makes mistakes.  Can you trust him, and is he worthy of it?  Your answer to that will go a long way in deciding how to handle it...

PS:  I've posted a topic myself (Stuck in the middle), and was wondering if you were always receptive to help from your friend/boyfriend, or if you didnt like to hear what they had to say in the past?

[Munchroom]

Hi Grant

In all honesty I don't know where my depression stemmed from - I really really wish I did! But I think it was possibly a culmination of a lot of things and my mind literally just went 'Nope. Can't deal with any of this any more!' And my body naturally followed suit with my sleeping and eating problems.... I think probably the fact that I tried to ignore what was happening for a good few months before I sought any sort of help definitely didn't do me any favours! But I was in complete denial that I wasn't coping and I was completely reluctant to accept any help that was offered! I got so used to putting on a front and I wasn't just hiding it from my work colleagues and family, I was hiding it from myself too! If I could go back a year, I would do so many thing differently, but I guess hindsight IS truly a wonderful thing!

I think the photo really was the final straw when it came to Peter - my boyfriend had already spoken to him last November about backing off slightly and a few weeks later Peter told me that he felt that he was 'in love' with me. I have constantly felt - and still do feel - like I am in the middle of this, I feel for Peter immensely, he has been one of the greatest friends I have ever had and there have been stages where we have both relied on each other a lot, too much! But I feel for him, probably more than myself, its better to have this distance between us. My boyfriend and I have made a life for ourselves - we have other groups of friends, outside interests etc - Peter does lack that slightly, and there have been times where I have felt that I am holding him back with meeting a girl (at the times when I have brought this up in conversation, he has denied this, but looking back I think I can see why...)  and broadening his social circle - we all live in the deepest darkest depths of Somerset, so there isn't that much of a social scene, but I think his reliance on us was getting too much and not doing him any favours in the long run.

I constantly feel guilty for how things have panned out - I should never have let things get so far, now though I think the distance is doing us all good, me and Peter are still on talking terms - although I don't know if I'd ever want to really see him again at the moment. Hopefully he'll get a graduate job somewhere away from here and things will naturally run their course. It does upset me though, but I don't know how else to deal with it - there is always that worry that if we do let ourselves slip back into old ways then things would get back to exactly how they were before. And I can't risk that, not for anyone.

[Grant]

Hi Munchroom,

You said up top that the Peter thing you were "still pretty confused about", but your reply to me suggests otherwise.  I think you have thought it out well and from all angles, and you are also accepting of it.  I dont think you are confused about it - I just dont think that your heart wants to believe your head.  I had that often (and still do) - so I effectively "police" myself.  When I start thinking of decisions that have caused pain (but were right), I quite literally tell myself "Shut up Grant - leave it alone!"  Seriously - I do!  There's often that little niggle there, but the point is, I KNOW I did what I had to do, and now choose to stop paying the matter so much attention.
It can feel like you are leaving something behind when you do this - and thats the part you have to accept.  You ARE leaving something behind.  It isnt nice, but you know its necessary.  So let it be...

As an overall thing, I just kept my eyes open for help in life, and I managed to even find messages in movies!
America History X - this is a movie that appears to be all about the ugliness of racism - very powerful!  Probably the fourth time I watched this movie I picked up on the lines:
"I dont know what the answer is"
"Thats because you are asking the wrong question"
"So what question should I be asking?"
"Has anything that you have done made your life better in any way?"
Watch the movie and you will see... the guy is confused and angry - with a GOOD REASON to be angry - but that dialogue really hits home!

Then there's this one from ROCKY!!  Ha ha - I know - you think this is gonna be lame, but it spoke to me too!
Rocky is talking to his son and says:
"Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life."

Some things are insightful - some are motivational - either way, look for them and take them to heart, and let them give yourself strength!

[Munchroom]

Hi Grant - those quotes do make sense to me  :) I quite often find messages in songs that are very helpful or insightful! At the moment I'm listening to a lot of Garbage. It could be the odd line or verse - sometimes completely out of context (my sig is from a Corrs song that was written for their father when their mother passed away) but it can strike such meaning that it stays with you for a long time - and helps, a lot.

With the whole Peter thing, I think you are right in that my mind is pretty much made up. There are times though when I feel so much anger!  I'm not an angry person AT ALL... I tend to go and sulk, or sleep! Instead of actually having a row with someone!! But lately I've found myself getting really really angry when I think about him and the situations he put me in because of his own insecurities. I then start to feel guilty about feeling angry (as I always tend to do!) because there were times last year where he helped me a lot and I don't want to actually have a row with him about it because I know how defensive he gets (in a conversation last week he was talking about how angry HE was about the situation...) and I know, rightly or wrongly, I'll end up feeling like the guilty party.... (more than I already do)

Everyone and anyone sensible would and has said STOP talking to him - and I know that it is the 'right' thing to do, so I really have no-one to blame but myself. But as I said above, there is still a bit of me that misses him and I do care for him a lot. I just wish it had never got this far    Just seems like a constant mindf*ck... Even if I didn't talk to him, I'd still be going over situations in my mind....   "£$