Hi everyone,
Sorry if this isn't the right place to post or the right way to go about it; I've been reading other people's post and while I feel I'm too new to really bother anyone with my opinion or platitudes I've seen people explain their problems on here, so I was thinking I would do the same and perhaps make a couple of aquaintances in the process!
Well, as I said in my introduction thread I've been experiencing depressive signs, and worrying about my mental health for that matter, since 13; I've always felt I was different and alot more depressed than my peers, but I also felt that this was probably due to me being a teenager and as such I put it down to hormones; I'm now 19 and the symptoms seem to be increasing despite most of my other emotions falling into the normal spectrum of adulthood, so I've decided to seek counselling and put my fears to rest once and for all; perhaps if I explained the problems I consider abnormal it would paint a better picture of my concerns.
I've been experiencing what must be depression for years on and off, but it's been such a gradual and long lasting arc it was never really definable, in fact it was so slow I wouldn't even realise until I took a keen eye to it; recently (as in the past 3 years) I've been getting increasing anxiety problems despite being usually quite comfortable with people; I dislike large groups but then I dislike anyone I don't know, puts me on edge. The other problem is these depression symptoms (I can only describe it as like a gray bubble seperating me from any of my surroundings, the kind that just saps your energy and emotions almost palpably) have gotten more pronounced; at one point I didn't leave for colledge for an entire week and fell drastically behind because I considered the whole affair so pointless; the difference being that started in the kitchen, as I was making a sandwich this horrible emptiness hit me in the stomach like a brick, and triggered the whole thing. I've decided to see a doctor because of this and am setting up counselling, which will be on monday, but there are several other things adding to the mix that make me wonder what the next few years will bring and exactly what, if anything, i'll be diagnosed with.
I get into moods sometimes where I feel almost completely detached from humanity and reality, usually during depressive episodes, and my mind turns to things such as patterns or bizarre violent thoughts, it's indescribable in and specific way but everything takes on a kind of dark stickiness, and everything seems to have a more blackened edge to it; I become obsessed with things like the supernatural, conspiracy theories and occultism alot of times this happens, for no real reason other than my mind seems to jump to them; I also start to see shapes out of the corner of my eye (usually my mind sees something and interprets it as something else, like a log being a cat out of the corner of my eye, but I consider that normal) however in these instances it's usually black shadowy masses that resemble people in the dark, or cats, or even small spiders and the like. Being a believer in the supernatural I can never be too sure if these are delusions, illusions or simply supernatural entities, but god knows I recognise if I say to my GP I see black ghost cats whenever I'm in a low mood they're not going to go for the spiritual option! (I should point out these 'shadows' don't bother or disturb me; they make me jump sometimes and it does feel like a real physical presence more often than not but it's not causing me any particular distress.) I also find it much harder to sleep at these points.
I've read up on many of these things and a few things always pop up, again which I've researched minutely, such as early forms of Schizophrenia/Schizotypal disorder, Bipolar, Dissociative disorder, Paranoia etc. I'm sure it's a familiar list to many of you engaged in mental health, and I'm sure you'll be able to see many of the symptoms in my story to a degree anyway. What would you say on this matter? Quite honestly I'm just happy to write this down and talk about it for once; my main fear is that I'm 19 now, what if these things are the onset of a larger disorder? It's only served to increase over the years and at times I can really feel my head slipping into a world that isn't really connected with the usual, It really does worry me that by 25 I may have lost grip entirely.
Still, least I'm getting help right? What does everyone think?
Thanks, and again sorry to be long winded and sorry if this isn't in the right place, but it really does feel good to write all this down!
