Things are good, so why am I down???

[Flea]

When things are going bad, it's comforting in some way, because I have an excuse for the way I feel...but I feel awful now, and things are ok!

The last few weeks have been going well - work wise, hobby wise etc.  I have a full schedule ahead and lots to look fwd to.

However, today, I had a shut-down moment.  Ended up phoning in sick and staying in bed all day, as it was the only place I didn't feel anxious and horrid. :-(

Maybe I am doing too much, and need to slow down?  I just feel awful -  so jittery and scared.......am I scared of being 'well' and the depression has become a comfort zone?  Am very confused and in need of some comfort.  I hate how I feel.  If the way I feel is so awful when things are good, then what hope do I have when things are bad?  No escape. :-( :-(

[Grant]

It seems to me that you kind of know what the issue is.  You even say "am I scared of being 'well' and the depression has become a comfort zone?"

When you are feeling down, its almost a natural reaction to draw on other negatives to reinforce your feelings.  If somebody close dies, you simply dont WANT to be happy.  When you get cut off on the road, you WANT to be angry - and chances are, the next thing will get an angry reaction because of the last one.  Its normal.

BUT, when you are trying to get out of a depression, that mindset has to change.  Its easier to say "I dont want to feel upset" than it is to say "I want to be happy".  Take emotion out of the equation for second, and figure out what you really do WANT.

If you really do want to break away from it, you have to actively change what you focus on.  Stop justifying why you feel the way you do (because all that does is make you focus on those reasons), and start taking steps in accepting lifes negatives, and enjoying the good stuff.  Learn to write-off all that nonsense that people have done/will do, if it is stuff you cant control.  Let people live their own lives - let them be selfish if thats how they choose to live.  You cant do anything about it, so just...let it be.  You dont have to be happy every day, but you also dont have to load anything on your shoulders that you cant control anyway...

[Munchroom]

Hi Flea - and welcome  :)

I completely understand how you feel. In my opinion, depression encompasses everything you know - it makes even the tiniest thing that you used to do every day turn into something huge and unmountable! I know I personally found my 'comfort zone' getting smaller and smaller until at my lowest there were three people I could talk to and literally one room in my house that I felt safe in! And you begin to rely on those 'comfort zones' and as you do start on the road to recovery you find that the 'comfort zones' start to get bigger as you start to let yourself become accustomed to 'new' things again - I still operate within one and I know what I am comfortable doing and what will send me straight back down and although those things - even to me seem silly (let alone someone who has never experienced depression) I know I cannot push it - I can't LET myself get tired, I have to just see friends in smaller groups and for short amounts of time, I cannot go out on my own yet.... it all takes time, depression is not something that you wake up one day and its completely gone. But you have to just be thankful for the small things -  for example my boyfriend congratulates me if I manage to almost finish my dinner!! (I've been borderline anorexic for the last year) and I know that one day, I may manage to eat three small meals a day and the next... I might survive on milk and a couple of crackers! I know its not healthy, but its progress compared to what I was like three months ago!

And yes, the thought that one day I will 'be better' does absolutely terrify me at times - when you are at your lowest everyone is supporting you, nothing seems to be too much trouble for them and sometimes I wonder how I am going to cope when I haven't got that support network around me. But I have to remind myself - they are not going anywhere! My mum, dad, boyfriend, friends - even my support workers KNOW what to look out for. The people closest to me have also lived through this for the past year and they do not want to see me on a downwards spiral again so even when I am 'better' I know that I am fortunate enough to have people other than myself looking out for the signs that things aren't going that well. But also - please remember, you are still 'in recovery' when you are back to 'normal' then being well won't seem as scary because you will be there! And it may be in a few weeks, it may take months or even years! But it will happen one day - and in the meantime please just take comfort in the little things and listen to what your body is trying to tell you.

I hope it all goes well for you, please do keep me informed.

[Ses]

Hello Flea (and Munchroom!)

It has helped me reading both of your stories. I relate to both of you, and am glad to hear M's progress and hope it continues.

Flea - I understand 100% what you mean. If it helps you, I have exactly the same issue (I must admit it made me feel better knowing I wasn't alone reading your story). Sometimes I think it's almost like I'm trying to make things worse for myself. Without wishing to sound like a martyr, I've had a pretty tough life emotionally up til now, and sometimes I think I'm struggling with the fact that I have an enjoyable job, friends, great boyf etc. I'm just not used to the good life? Sounds pathetic huh But I think you're right that sometimes depression is a comfort zone, and I have no idea why. Who would wish those black days on them?

I really appreciate Grant's comments on this thread - a lot of common sense. I think I might write some of those points down and look at them every now and then, especially "start taking steps in accepting lifes negatives, and enjoying the good stuff."

Good luck to you all :) and thanks so much for sharing.

[George]

Hi everyone

Relate very much to what you all say, especially you :) Flea. Things have been doing relatively good for the last few weeks and today I'm supposed to be planning for the week to come. Tomorrow I'm off to Uni as usual, which would usually cheer me up and give me something to look forward to but hey, not today.

Today, yet again I'm trapped in the bedroom, hiding away from life because I can't face it. Worried that it'll remain like this and hold me back again.

Grant, the concept of depression having become a comfort zone in itself makes me think. There may well be some reality in that for me, does anyone else see anything in that, or feel that way?

Right, today I'm going to make a flask of coffee - when I can finally get to the kitchen. Then there will at least be some comfort in the entrapment

[Ses]

Hello all,

George - yep I get the 'comfort zone' thing. In fact I've just been writing to someone else on the forum about it. I was diagnosed with depression 18 months ago, but now I'm in a better place than I was, I can see that I've been suffering from it for pretty much all my adult life (I'm 33). I think it has become such the norm, that I don't know what to do with myself when things are good. That's the only reason I can see that I go down when things are, on paper, gong well in my life. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, in fact I know I'm lucky. But why in that case do I let myself sink back into the 'bad place'. Hmmmm....

Having read a good post from someone else, I'm off to write a list of good things. Hopefully this will help me with the week to come, because at the moment I'm not looknig forward to it

Flea - I hope you're doing ok today? Your post sounds so sad and I hope you're doing better.

Ses