Hello there
I've had depression for most of my life I guess, although only had it confirmed twice. The first time was in my early 20's and then three months ago. I'm now 52. I just felt I couldn't keep going being so miserable and not 'living'.
My life seems all doom and gloom. I can’t be happy about anything genuinely and I have to force myself to look happy and interested. It doesn’t work a lot of the time and get classed as ‘A miserable cow’. I spend most of my time on my own in the bedroom where I feel safer and most comfortable, reading. I’m not interested in the TV. I have always had an interest in crafts and have lots of things in the spare room but now no interest in partaking in any of them. If I was to start something (it usually lasts 30 mins to one hour) and it’s left. So now I don’t bother. And I get frustrated not doing anything. It seems to be a catch 22 situation.
I have no concentration. My memory is awful. I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat.
One positive thing is my new Dr is wonderful and so understanding. He has told me 'We will get you through this'.
I was prescribed Citalopram 20mg to start with and took it for one month. Nothing happened so I was prescribed Fluoxetime 20mg took that for one month still no change so it was upped to 40mg and now another has passed and still nothing. I have a follow up appointment with my Dr tomorrow (Monday).
I've not been sleeping (but that's nothing new. I've been like this for around 30 years) and my Dr wanted to get that sorted as he said if I can get some sleep I may not feel so bad. I can't understand why the meds aren't doing what they're supposed to do.
I've had two different sleeping meds the first one (Temazepam) didn't do anything. The second one (Zopiclone) works but it gives me a horrible metallic taste and makes me drowsy the following day. I've only had a two week course to be taken every 2nd or 3rd night as he doesn't want me to rely on them and they can be addictive.
I've had one trial session of basic counselling to see if it would be of help. But at the end told the councellor I don't feel this will help as I talked, she listened. Nothing will be resolved this way.
Now the event that happened last Thursday may or may not be related although I suspect it is as I do tend to flap and get myself in a state should anything happen. I suddenly developed diarreah (maybe a bug?) I went to the loo six times on Thursday not watery but loose and I noticed a few tiny streaks of blood. I started to flap and panic although I kept telling myself it's probably because of straining etc and nothing to worry about. On Friday morning I went twice both loose the second one had a tiny streak of blood. Saturday I went twice and they were soft and no blood. Ever since Thursday I have felt panicky, nauseous and trying to tell myself to stop panicking. I've also become jittery. I always think the worst when things happen usually proved wrong. But that's me. Also when I get like this that in itself can cause me to have a unsettled tummy.
Towards the end of 2010 I noticed for the first time ever, tiny streaks of blood in my stools and went to a specialist who confirmed piles, had them injected and have had no other problem since.
Today's trials and tribulations of living don't help either. My husband lost his job through the recession three years ago and is desperate to get back to work. He too is on Fluoxetine because of this and lack of finances etc don't help with people demanding money. We've sought help from CAB but their help is limited and some companies are so harsh and not interested in our hardship. We have one company threatening us with the bailiffs.
Am I ever going to be able to actually enjoy life, what’s left of it?? The way things are I doubt it.
I don't know if any of what I've said makes any sense??
I'd really appreciate any feedback.
Thank you in advance.
Luvs x
