Hi i've been a bit hesitant whether to write anything or not but i think talking to other people that feel the same will help me. I'll start off with a bit of background, i'll try and keep it short :)
I'm 21 and since i can remember i've always been angry....anything could set me off....i've been suspended from schools, gotten into fights. I've hurt alot of people with my anger.
My dad brought me up from the age of two and it was just me and him for a long time, he was also a very angry person and took most of his anger out on me. When i was 13 i remember walking into the sitting room and seeing my dad leaning against the door frame crying his eyes out and it only got worse for him. he spent everyday crying...telling me that he wanted to die. He went to go jump of a bridge one night and the police brought him back home. he chose not to take medication for it as he wanted to get through it without that but he did see a therapist which helped him alot a months in and he did seem like he was getting better, he met new friends, got himself a girlfriend, mine and my dads relationship was loads better. unfortunately he died of a heart attack at the age of 43, i was 14.
It was from then on i became uncontrollable i moved around lots, living with friends and family til they all gave up and didn't really know what would be best for me. I started drinking from the age of 15, i drank to the point where i would pass out as i didn't want to feel anything anymore. i didn't want to exist anymore. As the drinking got worse a family member sent me to a boarding school as she thought that getting me out of that environment would help and it did i stopped drinking, made new friends. it was a place where i could be creative. It wasn't to last for long though. A teacher suggested getting in contact with my mum and i agreed. It didn't take long to find her so i went to stay with her over the holidays. things didn't work out and i realise why she was never a part of mine and my dads life. My mums brother took an interest in me, he was 37 i was 17 i knew it was wrong but wanted someone to love me so ran away with him, he was very abusive and controlling. i became pregnant four months after meeting him. i felt like i couldn't leave him as he would threaten to kill himself and i had already screwed everyone over with my uncontrollable ways. i was 7 months pregnant and we moved to portugal. i had cut off contact with everyone. we lived there for 2 years. Those 2 years were awful. i couldn't recognise myself. i never went out, started to get panic attacks. i couldn't bare to leave the house. i spent hours and hours on my computer. I tried leaving him a few times but he would get mad and i would always end up feeling guilty. i couldn't handle living like that anymore and knew i had to get out, i thought about killing myself nearly everyday, i was so ashamed of myself. If i didn't have my daughter i don't think i would be alive right now. i managed to run away from him with my daughter and have not spoken or seen him since. i moved back to my home town. since then i've met an AMAZING man who sticks by through everything and has been a great dad to my daughter, i feel so lucky to have him but the anger is still inside me and i push him away alot, it's like i can't really control it.
I spend days and days not doing anything, i don't enjoy anything anymore. I can't even cry it's like i've forgotten how to. I'm just skin and bones, i feel so empty on the inside. Thoughts of killing myself still come into my mind.
Even though i have those days of emptiness there are times when i feel thankful to be alive, to have the most beautiful daughter and boyfriend in the world!
Even though suicidal thoughts come into my head....death scares me, its scares me because if i wasn't alive who would look after my daugter? who would love her? what if someone hurt her and i wasn't here to protect her? that is what keeps me alive.
I don't want to feel empty and angry anymore, i want to enjoy life! be a good mother! i want to do and see things not sit on the sofa all day doing nothing! i want to feel happiness.
It's difficult to do things once you have spent so long doing nothing. life can seem so morbid sometimes but i have to remind myself that there is beauty here and that i can be happy. it will take time but i have the support. I can't wait for the day when i wake up feeling happy and ready to do stuff seeing everything clearly again.
I guess i didn't keep this as short as i would of liked to!
