Glad I found this place (an introduction)

[Moth]

Hi, I've been searching for somewhere to talk cause there's only so much I can expect my friends to do. I just thought I'd introduce myself and share my situation.

I suppose I've always struggled with depression but up till now have always be able to manage/ work with it. Things began to change 5 years ago when my dad committed suicide. My mum wanted a divorce I being the oldest child and out of a sense of duty got stuck in the middle and to cut a long story short I ended up finding him hanging from the loft hatch. The next six months where hell, I ended up not speaking to my mum for nearly 3 months and the rest of my family sided with her, I was living alone in a one bedroom studio and working in a call centre that sucked the life out of me.

After a year I finally got a hold of my life and applied for college, I was accepted and moved away to study art and design. The freedom was incedible, I had a clean slate no one knew my past and I had a great year with a new set of friends and could finally be myself. By the end of the year I had been accepted onto a degree course in architecture and was in a relationship with a girl I had fallen for 4 years earlier. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

Then I moved again and things started to change but it was so subtle that it wasn't till now I realise what was happening. By the end of my degree I finished with a 1st class honours but had completely alienated myself from my friends and housemates. I stopped doing any hobbies and nothing interested me anymore. My girlfriend and I had no money ( I lost a job in a practice ) so had to move into my mums house. From here things just got worse, the only hours I could get were evening shifts at minimum wage so I never saw my girlfriend and wad constantly tired, worried about money and started to feel suicidal. I didn't tell anyone how i was feeling because of what my dad did. After a while I began to give up on everything and the weaker I got the more anxious and angry my gf became with me and we would argue daily. I sunk so low that 2 months ago after an argument i was convinced that i didn't love her anymore and I split up with her a week later. Then I started to lose weight, stopped sleeping, suffered anxiety attacks and constantly fought with my mum ( who also suffers with depression).

I finally went and got help 5 weeks and I'm currently taking fluoxetine and I'm waiting for counciling. My best friend of 17 years stepped in and moved me out of home and in with him. I explained to my ex that i was ill, told her I'd always loved her and apologised but it was to late and she has since severed all contact with me and any mutual friends we had saying she can't understand depression and doesn't believe I will get better with her around. I am heartbroken but know she's doing it because she loves me, the last thing she told my best friend to tell me was that she has only good memories of our time together and wants me to focus on getting better. After all the times i helped her with her insecurities and family problems I can't help but feel abandoned by her when I need her the most.

Fast forward to now, i'v hardly been out of the house for the past 3 weeks and my anxiety has hit the roof. I realise that i've been running away from what happened to me all those years ago and can't do this on my own, its finally time to face it. I know this is going to be a long game but some nights the pain is unbearable, i've never felt this low before.

[bel]

Hi Moth,
Welcome to the forum. I hope it helps you.
Well done for getting help. I have been on fluoxetine and found it helpful, but counselling is important too. Above all, you have to give it time. It can take a long time to come to terms with what has happened to you and to be able to start living your life again. Of course those bad things in your life can't be undone, you have to learn to live with them, and that can be hard, I know.
It's a shame your gf can't support you; I can understand your feeling abandoned. Depression is very difficult for "outsiders" to deal with, and many can't cope with it. You have your friend though, which is great.
It's good that you realise there's no "quick fix". In my experience it's a very up and down process and you can feel like you're getting worse than ever at times, I did anyway. But you can get through.
Sorry, I'm starting to ramble.
Keep posting on here if it helps, you can rant and rave, or whatever you need to do. There's lots of good listeners here.
best wishes, bel.

[lightenup]

Hi Moth a warm welcome to the forum, I found your posting quite similar in a way, I think for many of us we are really the strong ones, and the illness just appears.  However I think this is really not the case, all along when you are strong you are put in situations by others, (because you can deal with anything) and left to help everyone else.  The problem with me with doing this all over the years, and many family tragic happenings, I got sick and it all happened after the death of my sister and then the loss of a very stressful job.  In fact i would never have said I was depressed. I was not sleeping, was having chest pains being sick, stomach pains, angry etc etc.  Hated everything and espicially myself, and was carrying the world on my shoulders.  The other thing I now acknowledge is that some friends are only friends when you are helping them, and are in fact sucking the lifeblood out of you.  It is finding that fight to get out of this black hole, and for me it is trying to remember in my darkest times that I have a good family, sons and hubby that love me deep down.  You have a good friend there, and it does take time for people to understand depression.  My hubby still is unable to cope with me, (as i was so outgoing, and doing everything to military precision and he always leant on me) so you need to give people time to adjust to you.  Keep up the fight and stay safe.

[Moth]

Thanks you both of you,
                               The hardest part for me was excepting that this is a serious illness, something i've come to make peace with. It actually brought me to tears hearing from other people. You always know your not alone but it never feels that way, just gettings your replies has made me feel stronger. 

moth