I'm new around here..

[Riojalover]

Hi,

I have never done this before, so I don't really know where to start. I'm a 34 year old Mum of two. I live with my children and husband of 8 years. Up until 2010, I was a very bubbly, sociable, out going, happy person.
But due to marriage problems in 2010 my life has completely changed and I now feel a world away from the person I was.
In short, during both pregnancies my husband has cheated on me. Up until then we had a good relationship. Because of all the stress this has caused me, I stopped eating at one point, and lost over 3 stone in weight. The 2nd time it happened, during my 2nd pregnancy, was just last year. And it was a lot worse the 2nd time around. The arguments were a lot more heated, almost physically abusive.
We are still together. And in an ideal world, would like to make our marriage work and repair the damage. But I am struggling terribly. I have panic attacks. I feel as if I have no energy or interest in anything. If it wasn't for my two children, I would probably never leave the house. But the worse thing for me, is the anger I feel a lot of the time. Its constantly there, and will bubble up at the slightest thing.
I feel worthless. I have lost my smile, and it feels like it will never come back.
I have never been to see a Doctor about the way I feel, as I don't know if the way I am feeling is depression. And I don't like the idea of being on medication - however I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

[Pip]

 :welcome:

It's not surprising that you are struggling considering what you have been through.  Panic attacks are horrible to suffer.  It is worth seeing your doctor though and be honest how you feel and the panic attacks so your doctor can give you the appropriate help.  If your doctor suggests anti depressants try them as they do help.  I used to be anti medication but have had to give in due to other health problems so taking an anti depressant hasn't been a big issue for me.

What your husband has done is completely wrong.  One thing I would say is how you feel is very important so your husband should try being as supportive as possible for your children as well as you.

Feeling worthless can be one f signs of depression.

[stewart]

Hi Rio, welcome to the forums,
you will find us a great bunch here, and always willing to offer advice or guidance.

you sound like a very nice lady wanting to try and patch things up with your partner after being cheated on twice.
stress can indeed lead to depression, and derpessin then circles round to stress.
panic attacks, lack of energy and interest in things you onces liked to do are all signes of depression, i understand you dont want to be on meds, while some may need to be on meds for years or longer, but sometimes a short time on meds can reboot the body and get your mind back to how you would like it.

[JC]

Hello and welcome Riojalover

The feelings you describe are all signs of depression and I agree with Pip that it is worth talking this through with your GP as only a medical professional can tell you for sure and give you the appropriate help.

Even after being diagnosed with depression I was resistant to taking anti-depressants but they have helped me to cope and may do the same for you.

[Riojalover]

Thank-you all so much for your replies. It was lovely to get a response from such understanding people.

I will consider going to see a GP. Although, I feel very nervous and almost embarrassed about the situation. I am very good at putting on a "brave face" in front of others.
At the lowest point in our marriage problems last year, when my husband walked out and left me heavily pregnant with our 3 year old daughter, the only people that knew what was going on were our parents. I even continued to go to work (part time), turning up at the office after a night upon night of horrible arguments. I wasn't eating and I wasn't sleeping either. None of my work colleagues had any idea of what was happening at home.
I was living a nightmare, for the 2nd time! It wasn't until my health started to suffer, that I very reluctantly made the decision to take my maternity leave earlier than planned.

It was from Xmas 2012, through to February that things were really bad. By the end of February things had started to calm down, and the "other person" in my husbands life had started to disappear. Amazingly we had a very healthy baby boy arrive two weeks early. And it is the way in which our little boy arrived that I think was our saving grace. My labour was so quick, that our little boy was born at home, delivered by  my husband. For a split second, everything was how it should be - and its that moment that turned things around.

So 12 months on, and we are still trying to move forward. My husband is mostly doing everything he can to help me. Reassuring me constantly.
But I cannot shake off the MASSIVE doubt that is always there. Will I ever REALLY trust him again??
The panic attacks are getting less, but they are still there. Particularly as I worry constantly about what my husband is doing.
I feel so lethargic all of the time. I don't want to go out, as I don't want to see anyone. I feel so worthless.
This is what I cannot deal with, this massive weight on my shoulders. I want to be able to get on with my life, with out doubting everything, without worry. But I cant. Will medication really help with all of those feelings? And how much will a GP really do? Refer me to a self-help group or something??
 

[stewart]

Hi Rio,
much depends on the GP, some are more helpfull than others,
as for trusting your hubbt, trust is something that has to be earned, then it is given.
maybe he has turned over a new leaf and has seen the error of his ways, can you find it in you to give him the benefit of the doubt?

[JC]

I hope you will give serious consideration to seeing your GP. It is understandable that you feel nervous but you should not feel at all embarassed; I am an expert at putting on the 'brave face' and bottling up my feelings but there are times when we all need some additional support. It is very important that you tell your GP everything that is bothering you, more or less what you have told us here, so that s/he can offer you the appropriate help.

Just talking to your GP will be a start in helping to lift that massive weight from your shoulders. It is possible that you will be prescribed anti-depressants and I know you don't like the idea of being on medication but it can help to take the edge off the worst of how you are feeling and help you to cope better on a day to day basis.

[Pip]

There are different things that can help.  Just talking to your GP will help.  I know it helped me even though I felt uncomfortable and I was also resistant to medication.  Following his advice helped immensely.  However your GP may not suggest that and may suggest counselling or CBT.  MIND can also help and do different types of things to help.