So although i am heading in the right direction with working, almost getting a bedsit and generally moving forward in my life for myself i still struggling with the things and people who depress me in the first place.
I know ignorance is bliss for a short time, which is the coping strategy ive adopted since working. However i know ignoring things just builds and builds and then before you know it youve exploded at the wrong person.
Im trying to avoid this now. So heres my thought processes, triggers, and coping strategy... It will probably turn into gibberish but here goes anyway.
My family and my environment at home are what keep me in my depressed cycle, trying to do right by people at the detriment to myself has nearly killed me a few times.
Having work now helps massively, but i cant just come home swtch off and relax in preporation for the following day. I come home to a disobedient child who when i parent, to aviod him disrespecting my mum with his lack of respect.... My mum jumps down my throat in his defense.... Undermining the discipline im trying to instil, if i can handle her response i can ignore it.... Go upstairs and diffuse myself from that situation, if i cant i end up criticising my mothers lack of parenting skills and arguments ensue.
My stepdad is part deaf but rather than get a hearing aid he shouts, at everyone and everything, which my mum reacts to as his shouting at her then arguments ensue, i go to the room i share with my nephew for peace and my brother shows up as he has no food or fags, he walks in amd says, "can i borrow ur ashtray pls" i want to throw it on the floor and tell him to be the tramp his acting like and pick the butts from the floor..... Ur a disgrace and you disgust me. I didnt. I said nothing..... Gave it to him waited for him to go and came on here.
Im disgusted by alot of things here. The state of the house because my mum has given up, spends all her time on fb on a pointless game, she only does things when she has to not to maintain a household... Its a collective thing, everyone should pitch in but they dont, attempts i make then become common place like i should now be the cook, or the cleaner.... This is not my bed, i did not make it i am only here because i have nowhere else to go.... I dont want to be here. Im fed up of the people and the state of the place and i am so eager to turn my back on this and never look back.
Im sick of the way they speak to eachother, how they treat eachother! Ive backed off conpletely sonce starting work and am already getting guilt tripped, your bor doesnt know what he will do without you, mum says she is aching from walking nephew to school where id normally take him if she was that bad, her asthma is worse, she can feel a fit coming on from epilepsy...... I am not ur gp, therapist, childminder, chef, cleaner, relationship counsellor, dog walker etc etc......
I love u guys, i just dont like you!
