who needs enemy's when you've got ure self

[darkcheesse]

i'm avoiding the enevitable
I've been getting stoned for the past to weeks as I can't stand the deppresion. Feeling that bad was there before my abusal of pot, its why I started smoking it so much. But nowaday it only slightly numbs me emotional distress.

I feel like shouldn't cry all the time. I was brought enough with the belief real men don't cry. I hate myself phycialy and mentaly, I am replused and even hate looking at myself in the mirror. The only part of me mentaly I can stand is the act I put on to the world to hide what's truly going on. But even then I don't like it becuase its a lie and not who I really am. But the real me is an emotional little pussy and I can't stand it for two reasons
1. I was brought up with the mental that I man I'm ment to brave and tough and just push through tough situations
2. Also at the age 12 I learn that there is no point in caring as all it dose is cause pain.
And ever since the I've always tried my hardest to reppress my emotions, because of those reason. But secretly I am emotional and do care about things but I try my best to sometimes to even hide it from myself. I feel like my life isn't worth living, as I've now already f***ed it up and there is not much point of continuing. Even though I've been getting stoned for the past two weeks everytime I leave myself chance to think I turn into an emotional cunt. I felt like life was completely f***ed since I found out this year no college will give me a place. I just wish I was somebody else

i know if i told my parents they wouldn't hesitate to kick me out, they nearly did when they found out i tried weed. force me into an intervention and if dint quit they were gonna make me homeless, but i just got better at hiding it. i come from one of those drugs are bad mkay kinda families.

ive always been told by them if you just use your brain you can achieve anything. and i just couldn't bare the shame of attualy telling them. i believe they would just get rid of me if i told them the truth.

ive been talking to a friend about this and he said i should get help aswell, but but getting help terrifies me as much as reality. i feel trapped by my fears, so i cant do what hase to be done to get better, i know if had the courage to face these fears i could get past problems.

but i don't even know why i don't go on drugs i can't think yay(cant think cant hate myself) don't know why but i've done speed again(and part of brain is trying to justify getting more), this time a got a large ammount so i be out thier(high) for a while. i know i should get clean i know if i do this my chances of getting further in life are much better, but why would i prefer to cowar in my bed i don't get.

it feels quiting is sort only half wanted by me, the logical side of my brain get clean quit drugs, the emotional side makes me feel like &$%+ so much its only way to shut it up. i fear a progression from weed to speed, because weed dosn't even do anything more, where as speed gets me f***ed, atleast holds back the tears, keeps me active althought not good for my eating habits,(i know in my situation im only making it worse) i've eaten one packet of crisps today and because of the speed im not hungry.

i tried talking to the only friend i am truly open with, and today was completly honest he never knew about the other drugs i tried, and it seemed to end the convosation,(he was one of the few people who say the real me that i hide, but at the same time tried to keep in the dark about my many many many many² discretions) he new like most people i smoked a bit of weed but that was it, i feel i sort of shocked him as the convosation end quite abruptly afterwards. i fear im losing him as a friend, i now rarly see him as i don't go to college, and im geuss after this news he might not want to associate, and if he dose i can't fault him if he dose. i would avoid me like the plage o wait i cant. not fair!

i know life is just going further down the &$%+ter yet i can see to pick up the courage to do somthing about it. how come i can pretend to brave and have courage to fit in, yet in attuallity i have none, how come i can give my friends good advice yet when it comes to me it feels like i want make my life &$%+ter, just so it will end faster.

i hate my life yet i feel like want to make it worse, why?

[junior]

Hi, I haven't done many drugs myself but I did smoke alot me weed at one point, many people have no real side effects off it but I did, it added massively to my depression and my memory isnt very good now. I have also thought about other drugs to ease to thoughts. I think you need to talk to your doctor to be honest they can give you something to help numb the pain.
Junior

[Ezel]

I agree with junior go see your doctor.

[lightenup]

Hi now you must start and think about yourself............you are the most important thing and you must get help...................the biggie for all of us is admission that we are unwell and also to overcome the shame as most of us harbour these feelings

Never have taken drugs except the prescriptive kind.....................but hey I love the demon drink...........................this only gives me a small quick high until it pulls me further down.

I have been diagnosed over a year now, still hiding it when I can............but I am getting help through GP and CBT through local social services, I think sometimes I am getting a little better.  So please try and get help, take care

 

[darkcheesse]

well when i've tried to go to the doctors i just can't pluck up the courage to make an appointment. i feel like i don't even deserve help , like going to see the doctor is waste of his time. their are plenty more people out there in more deserve of his help than i am. in the past few days i basicaly given up the will to live, i seem to welcome death more and more each day, life just is too f**k**g hard , and it just dosn't feel worth it any more, why bother?

my life is a terrible, and i had the bright idea to make it worse, so i try escaping with drugs but i can't. it just seem nearly everybody is trying to put me down these days, i get more and more critisism of people each day and i can't take it any more. i want out, but i can't seem to find any exit , is life meant to be this c**p or is just mine?

[junior]

Drugs will only help in the short term the doctor can give you anti depressants that will last and work.
It will take alot to say to your doctor that you are depressed, the way I told my doctor was I looked at the floor and pictured I was talking to someone I love, it made it alot easier, you Do need help and your doctor can give you that help you get need to ask.
Junior

[lightenup]

Today I'm having such a s**t day, I should be happy my son and girlfriend have come up for the weekend.  I have a horrible cold all week which is not helping.   But today I'm shaking terribley, and I am angry and snappy and yappy and horrible, no one loves me today and less so myself.  I no I have to get myself in a better place.  Funny I was supposed to go to Dr and CBT this week but avoided them due to having the cold.........feeling other people need this service more than me..........but I'm totally irrational at the moment.  Please take care