Yet another noob.
My name's Chris, I'm a chef. I think, but cant be sure I'm suffering from depression. I just want to air my experiences and see if they match up with anyone else on here, maybe get some advice.
It first started in 2006. I had a particularly stressful job and basically burned-out. I went AWOL from work and gave my notice over the phone, never to return. I had a brief foray into drinking way too much, got some help, bucked up my ideas and returned to the real world. I thought it was a minor blip.
In 2008 I got married, and decided to undertake a computer course at university so that I could escape the stresses and unsociable hours of catering. I was working at the weekend and during the week to pay for the course, but money was tight and the bills started to rack up. I lost interest in the course towards the end of the first year, but after the summer break I had worked enough to top up the coffers and returned for the second year with renewed vigour. About 6 weeks in though, The strain all got too much. I ended up skipping classes and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. For about three months I avoided my phone and emails, lied to my wife about what was going on and basically sat at home feeling hopeless. My marriage broke up at around this time and I went to live with my brother while we sorted out the house and separation. I must have spent the best part of a year just going through the motions of living, with absolutely no motivation. I felt worthless and like a total failure.
I met someone in early 2011. She helped me through and I gained the confidence to get a new job, quickly rising to head chef. The job, however, is hugely stressful and I have been working silly hours. The past few months all I can see in my life are my past failures. I'm getting more and more demotivated and can feel that black cloud descending. I feel useless, a failure, and totally alone. Every complaint and criticism is like someone sticking the knife in and twisting it. I'm suffering terrible mood swings and this last week I haven't been into work. I just can't face it any more. I can't face going back and fixing my mistakes, I just want to lie under the duvet and hope the world goes away.
Every time I've been to the GP they have told me to cheer up and get some exercise. When you're on your feet sweating in a kitchen for 15 hours a day, I don't need any more exercise! Recently I've been thinking of ways to hurt myself so that I don't have to face work. I haven't spoken to my family in months and avoid their phone calls.
I have an appointment at the doctor today. I know I need help, but I'm so afraid they're going to tell me again to buck up and stop feeling so sad.
