new to this

[bikerbloke56]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site and have chosen to come on here to chat with people and try and find why I am suffering from depression. Have been like this for many years but I seem to have been able to keep it at bay till now. As a truck driver I work away from home all week spending a long time on my own behind the wheel and working long hours. So not sure what I'm looking for and certainley do not want to be seen to revel in self pitty. But feeling so down at the moment just thuoght chatting to people with the same ''illness''  may just help a little. Any help or advise will be greatley recieved. Thanks

[Ezel]

 ^&*

[lightenup]

Hi Bikerbloke, a very warm welcome to the forum.  For many years I have lived life on the road, (area manager) due to econmic climate they closed nd I was made redundant.  I have other issues and circumstance though, but life on the road is a very lonely, it is also pressurinsing and you live on adrenline and for me I think this is part and parcel of my illness.  Take care   

[bikerbloke56]

Hi lightenup. Thanks for the reply. Yea your write life on the road is lonely but i have been doing this since 1977. mainly 23 years driving all over europe and have been driving now in the uk for 10 years. I think this is when the problem of my depression began really allthough it may have started earlier way back in 1988 when my now ex wife began drinking heavely. Understandablly she was alonely being left at home bring up 2 children but I tried and tried to get her to talk about it but she would never answer or be willing to talk not to me anyway. this then lead me to '' bottling it up'' inside. As you know being on your own driving all day things just go round and round in your head. this went on for the last 15 years of the marriage. also there were affairs on her side also her relationships with our children went from bad to worse. then the drinking got worse and worse and she is now and sadley will always be an alcoholic. obviosly you can imagine the effect it has had on the my family and me. children on anti-depressants and me trying to hold it all together with no help from anyone because they did'nt want to get involved.more bad years followed. sale of the house,divorce.finance's devieded equally. I dealt with all this on my own. both children getting married last year which had to payed for in the worst economic climate this world has know. to the end of a 2 year relationship which ended in may this year. and that was over a leaking pipe. we rowed and i lost the plot completely.i retracted into myself not talking to anyone un less i had to. still working ong hours an even longer hours untill it all went downhill rapidly.thought i was going to die when the first '' attack '' happened.no control of the body.crushing chest pains.short breaths and the tears. all uncontrolable. and being at work ,embaressing. these attacks happening time and time again.day arfter day for about 5 weeks now.always left feeling worthless.going to doctors on monday to have a check up  but also need advise as how do deal with all the other crap in my head. regards bikerbloke

[lightenup]

Hi Bikerbloke, no one will be able to help you to get rid of your depression on this forum, but what we can help with our support and understanding, and we all have different problems with setting us off.  All my life I have been the supporter for all the family (even though I am the youngest), my  eldest brother was murdered, 2nd brother (alcoholic) owned a pub, and was killed in car accident.  I and another brother was elected to tell my parents re 2nd brother, he ran away and left me to it. My only sister died of cancer 18 months ago.  I felt so guilty as I was working away so much I wasn't able to give as much support if I had been working at home.  I supported her for many years through depression, but feel I let her down when she needed me more!  Both parents and parents in law are in bad health and I have lost my job!!!  All this crap and I just slapped on a smile and coped with it all until my sis died.  The cracks came, when I was having terrible chest pains and being sick all the time, sleep was also a no no on top of having to deal with letting my colleagues know they were being made redundant as well as myself.  It took the Dr 8months to diagnose, as I had other health problems, like a hiatus hernia.  I never cried or showed weakness in my life and it was like an explosion coming out at once.

This has not helped when i was in London recently and was abused in a pub when my son was out for a smoke by a man younger than my son.  This has knocked me right back and I have tried some silly stuff.  But thats another story.  In a nutshell I have just cracked.  There is many other things in my life and marriage I have just covered up.

The support I get from this forum is I know I am not alone, and can vent here where no one really knows me, but more importantly they understand and I don't feel ashamed about my illness. I hope this forum can help you and other, and you can lend support too. :)