Hi this is Blackbird

[blackbird]

Hi..

Dunno where to start. As advocates always say.. Start with the now. The Now is that my fiancée could not face the difficulties I carry with me any longer. And rightly so. So he left me last Thursday night. Actually, I had to leave him. For I have a job in London at the moment and our home is/was in the Netherlands.
Been suffering from depression and anorexia from the age of 14. Dissociative disorder because of my wonderful childhood. Of course I have a bonding disorder.
Been in therapy from the age of 18, will be 32 in two weeks. And this makes me feel so desperate. I am on Zoloft and Topamax, some Oxazepam and Zolpidem.
I have never felt so lonely.
I feel like what the f*** am I still fighting for.
I had this enormous mania last December, which drove lots of my friends away. Normally I am really friendly, always listening. Now I just partied, I danced, I felt alive, for six weeks I did whatever, and did not realise that it is not ok to just kiss any guy or whatever.
I never experienced anything like it. People said they did no longer recognise me.
I feel awful now. I am afraid. Tired. I do no longer know how to go on.
That is why I am here.... I really need some support.
I just hope someone understands.. I feel so confused about everything. And now I have lost everything that made me feel safe.

My rabbits. I love my rabbits. But they are with my ex. We are still good friends btw.
I just cry my eyes out. Or stare. And think about how to end it all. I know I should not. And all that. But I feel so f***ed up.

[Sweetpea]

Hello Blackbird and welcome to the forum.  You are not alone, we all understand here. We will support and advise you as much as we can.

S x x x x

[blackbird]

Thanks, S. Means so much.

[Catbrian]

Oddly enough, in my early 30's, I partied...oh yes, I completely let it rip; alcohol, drugs, sex and stormy relationships.  Within a few months, I had become a different person.  Even today, my memories feel so bitter and painful.  It was all about escaping from myself.  For the years leading up to this point, I tried so hard to hold it together.  Maybe it all became a bit too much

Even more of a coincidence to our stories, when I was 32 (in 1995), I came to live in London.  I'm from Scotland and had never been to London.  I had no friends or accommodation, just a possibility of employment.  It was hard and it was desperately lonely, but I never really ever regretted it, even though I have subsequently been suffering severe mental health problems since 2000

Transitions are never easy, but it sounds like you might benefit from some time on your own, to rebuild yourself.  The Forum's a great place to share and find support....WELCOME!  I hope you find it helpful

[Pip]

Welcome Blackbird 

[Maddymoo]

Hi and welcome Blackbird, there are lots of lovely supportive people here xxx

Maddy

[blackbird]

Oddly enough, in my early 30's, I partied...oh yes, I completely let it rip; alcohol, drugs, sex and stormy relationships.  Within a few months, I had become a different person.  Even today, my memories feel so bitter and painful.  It was all about escaping from myself.  For the years leading up to this point, I tried so hard to hold it together.  Maybe it all became a bit too much

That's amazing.. I feel so similar.. Although I wonder about the escapism.. I still hope this is a good thing as well... Finally daring to go beyond the safe, you know.. But the intenseness of it all... And I hate to hurt other people. That is the worst of all. But I do feel change is good.

I had no friends or accommodation, just a possibility of employment.  It was hard and it was desperately lonely, but I never really ever regretted it

same here. I know I have to be here. That is the only thing I know. Although at the worst of times I just want to be with my rabbits.

Thanks so much, this is really helpful. Someone who has been there...
That loneliness is killing me. And then I love London. It is so confusing. I have never felt so confused about who I am and what I want..
And then there are all those friends having babies, I could have had all that and I do not even know whether I want all that. And now it is not even an option. Not that it really was with my drugs. You see. Confusing. Sorry. My mind is a mess...

[Catbrian]

Yes, I also hate hurting people and I always carry all the guilt.  I usually feel too responsible for other people's difficulties.

As I said, I completely understand the loneliness.  My first months in London, I remember aimlessly walking the streets, watching everything but barely taking anything in.  London is so busy, it can be a very isolating and lonely place.  It's funny, but as soon as I arrived in London, my party and drug days came to an end.  I had house parties with the people I shared houses with, but even that quickly dwindled.  Unfortunately, the drugs can come at a price to our future mental health and I was no exception.

There are plenty of years left for you to meet someone special and think about children.  For the time being, concentrate on yourself.  This could be the start of something better.

It's a gorgeous day in London and I hope you are out there soaking it all up

[stewart]

Hi Blackbird, welcome to the forums, we are indeed a friendly bunch here.