Emotional neglect

[Wallow]

I have recently realized that my mum emotionally neglected me when i was growing up & my Dad crossed the line with his smacking (still cant think of words to describe that.) I believe their actions were a major contributing factor in me developing depression which i have had for the last 20 years. This week i wrote to them & my sister telling them what my life had been like (lots of self harm, drinking & self isolating behaviour.) It turns out they were completely unaware. I spoke to my Dad & he just said how sad he felt for me but didnt say sorry or accept responsibility which i guess is what i was looking for. My mum hasnt contacted me since & my sister has said she isnt up to reading it because it is too upsetting. I feel awful. I feel so vulnerable now i have told them the truth about my self loathing, self harm & depression, & i can feel myself spiralling back down in depression. It feels as though my Dad is misinterpreting me still & my mum & sister are rejecting me. I just wish i had kept it to myself. I just want nothing more to do with any of them.

[vwone]

I think it is often difficult for others and they seem to feel guilty for how you feel even if that is not the case. They also do not want to talk about it and would rather ignore it. I do not know what advice to give you but did not want to read and not reply so hope it works out for you  %^%

[Catbrian]

I could easily have written this post, although I gave up trying to improve my relationships with my parents a very long time ago.  My Sister would probably react like yours; maybe not as boldly, but underneath, that's what she'd be thinking.  My Dad was also very heavy handed and those times have left extremely deep-rooted scars that, even today, can make my stomach churn.  Sometimes it's too difficult for parents to accept responsibility for the f*** ups and, if we were in their shoes, perhaps we would do the same.

This very subject has, at times, almost ruined my entire life.  It has caused me the greatest anguish and what has always really pee'd me off, is that the people we view as causing these bad childhood experiences are either not aware or simply refuse to be responsible.  I know how this can tear you up, so let me try depart a little of my own experience

I also believe my childhood contributed to my depression.  I spent a life time being angry with my parents.  We've gone through years without talking and their apparent faultlessness still can infuriate me today, if I give it much thought.

I've had a lifetimes journey of trying to come to terms and accept the past and find forgiveness.  But, I find it impossible to forgive people who cannot see - or wont allow themselves to see - where they went wrong.

It's so easy for these experiences, with the very people we yearn for love from, to become consumed by years of resentments and heartache.  Please believe me, the only person who truly suffers the most, will be you.

A few years ago, I had to come to terms with a large part of my historically bad relationships with my parents, through therapy.  There are still a lot of issues buried deep, but I refuse to give them much more room in my life.  My parents are much too old and I'm getting too old, to confront and revaluate.  There would be little point, as they are the same self-righteous pair of... parents... as they always will be, but they also have their good points and it's taken many years for me to appreciate them more.

The key to being able to let go of a large part of my own anger and resentment, was to realise that none of us; not the parents from hell, or ourselves, are perfect.  We all make mistakes in life and deny the things we feel ashamed about.  Whether we like it or not, we too have probably hurt others by our neglect of their needs and wishes, I know I have.  So, who am I to stand Judge and Jury for anyone's mistakes, least of all my parent's?

Of course, if you're anything like me, then you have a long road ahead of you.  It really would be too easy if we could agree on something then set it in motion the very next day.  There are processes you need to go through, just like we all do.  Only you is responsible for your own memories and your own actions. They may well have done you wrong, but are you going to continue punishing yourself by chaining your future to their past wrong-doings?

Peace $%^

[Wallow]

Thanks for your reply. I cant believe what a long and thoughtful response you have given me. I'm going to read it again in the morning when I'm less tired. Sounds like you are further along a similar road & I'm sure i can learn from what you have to say.
Night.

[Catbrian]

Sorry, I do tend to get a bit carried away typing....

Hope you can relate to some

[Martin]

I just want nothing more to do with any of them.

That's a big step in the RIGHT direction. You have confronted it but not got anywhere. I have been there. Face to face with my father after a 12 year absence and, instead of facing the truth of the past, he showed me the door. Years later I severed all ties completely and have never regretted it. While my childhood is still a factor on who I became and the life of depression (30+ years now) - it was the right thing for me.

[smokey]

Hi wallow I can relate to the issues you have with your family and the effects this has on you. I confronted my mother about my depression and the emotional abuse from her throughout my life, she refused to take any responsibility and walked out, never to be seen again. My Dad listens but I can tell he doesn't understand. You are not alone x

[Pip]

I suffered many years of emotional abuse from my mum even after I got married.  My dad would stick up for me when he witnessed it which wasn't often due to the hours he worked while I was still living with them.  There is more to this but that's a story in itself, I posted elsewhere about it and I don't want to derail this thread.  It only stopped due to a major fallout with my sister in early 1999.  We had a massive row because she accused me of saying and doing things I hadn't said or done so let rip with a few home truths.  After that I had no communication with my sister until the day my mum died which was April last year so over 12 years.  I did eventually have contact with my parents from late 2001 due to my hubby wearing me done.  He kept telling me I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't try and make my peace with them.  After that it was mostly letter communication with my parents with the odd phone call as I couldn't stomach any more than that.   

When I had a complete melt down in 2005 I did admit to myself that I had been depressed for years and fortunately I had a good doctor.  Before this I had gone through almost 30 years of self harming and suicide attempts as my only way of coping as I couldn't talk about my feelings.  I didn't understand what was making me so miserable as I wasn't talking abut anything negative in my life.  It was easier to put on a happy front.  I did let my parents know I was depressed and my mum's reaction was that she hoped I got over it soon.  I may as well have told them I had flu.  My mum died never knowing how severe my depression can get or of the self harming and suicide attempts.  My dad doesn't know either how bad it gets as I don't want to upset him. 

I have had some contact with my sister mostly letters. through Facebook and seen each other when I've gone down to see my dad.  She still blames me for things in the past that I didn't actually do but on the day of my mum's funeral I stood my ground and made it quite clear she had bridges to build not just me.  About a year ago when I sent off Christmas cards for the family I included a letter for her as I addressed the envelope to her.  I told her all the gory details of my depression, self harming and suicide attempts please all the health problems both my hubby and I suffer with.  I also asked her not to tell our dad how bad it has been as he only knows I've been depressed.  She has never told me how she feels about it but on the other hand she has been opening up more about her health problems.   

[Catbrian]

Bad childhoods and disagreements with parents and siblings have often brought me to my knee's. Letting go and moving on, until now, have always felt impossible.   Somehow my life has been anchored to the heartache of the past.

I wasn't in touch with my family for 6 years.  At the turn of this year, I made the decision to attempt to rebuild relations with them.  The past will never resolve, they have their opinion, I have mine, and it's best that neither the two shall meet.  My parents are too old, I'm getting too old, to drag up long-gone issues

For me, it's about making peace with myself; yes, grieve for the past, but also try to set yourself free from the heartache.

[Wallow]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel really rubbish today like i cant trust anyone or anything. I keep seeing things in a different perspective on an almost daily basis & i dont know what is right. It feels like everything, the past & the present is fluid & i cant get a grip on anything. Do you think this could be due to medication changes (i'm slowly weaning myself off venlafaxine but dropped from 150 to 75mg this morning.) My sister sent me a card to explain why she didnt want to read my letter & said that she had a happy childhood. It makes me think i've just made all this stuff about emotional neglect up & that it didnt really happen & that i'm just a selfish, bitter bitch trying to make my parents feel bad because i cant accept that i am the problem. I just wish i could crawl into a hole & sleep the rest of my life away because if i do anything i just end up hurting people.

[Catbrian]

Hey Wallow

Not trusting anything and having different perspectives on a daily basis, are part and parcel of depression.  They are all very difficult to deal with and I wish I had a clue how best to live with them.  On my good days, I constantly tell myself it's the depression talking, but on the bad days, I can easily become totally engrossed and obsessed in my thinking, worrying and generally freaking out over them!

I can understand how you must feel that your sister didn't take the time to fully read your letter.  Just because her childhood was different, doesn't make yours any less difficult, or real.  Believe me, mate, two very close siblings can live under the same roof and have completely different takes on their childhood. 

It takes a long time to come to terms with childhood horrors, but it's important that you accept yours are as every bit as real as your sisters, albeit completey different.  I'm sure you have  many examples of your mother's emotional neglect and I'm equally sure you have vivid memories of your Dad being heavy-handed

If there's one thing I learn on my journey of trying to recover from a difficult childhood, is that my parents are not responsible for my actions.  Sure they contributed to me being so messed-up in my adult life, but it is me who has the choice and control to either allow this to continually destroy me or decide on freeing myself from that heartache and moving forward.  It's taken the best part of 20yrs plus, to get to where I am today in my thinking.  But, in my opinion, you can't even begin that journey until you first accept that these things really did happen to you in your childhood.

Maybe if someone had said all this to me 20yrs ago, I wouldn't have understood what they meant, but I hope it helps a little

[Leo]

It has be pointed out to me by Occupational Health that my dad emotionally neglected me when I lost my mum.

Well done on confronting them on their behaviours. It might not be the reaction you were after but is a huge step.

I hate how something in the past has such a hold on us in the present. It's because of my dad I hit rock bottom today....again.

 %^%

[Wallow]

Thanks again for your responses. I feel so guilty that i am taking up your time catb and dont really deserve it. I feel like my whole world is spinning out of control - like when you are really drunk and even the ground doesnt feel stable. I just want to stop thinking about everything. I wish someone would just put me on some medication to knock me out. It was interesting to hear that the changing perspectives thing could be depression. It leaves me wondering what is reality if i've lived under this for 20 years. &$%+, i just cant bear to think about it all.

[Catbrian]

Wallow, you are every bit as deserving as any of us.  I just replied to your other post and I'm wondering where you are at with medication?

[Pip]

Wallow, it's part of depression not feeling deserving of support but you are.