I think people are bound to hold their own view of the world, life etc in high regard (I know I do), no one thinks they're wrong, otherwise they'd change their mind and adopt a different opinion. So if you're depressed then you're bound to think of depression as being at least logical.
I often think that my inability to function as well as other people isn't due to me being weak but rather because I lack certain mental coping mechanisms, many of which I think of as simply an ability people have to lie to them selves or ignore reality. If you look at things like this then depression becomes the ultimate form of honesty and positivity becomes cowardice, so i suppose you could consider that honesty to be beautiful.
The only real logic I can ever find to break from this way of thinking is the fact that me being depressed doesn't actually achieve anything. It may seem honourable to spend your time staring reality in the face and pondering every grim fact but it's ultimately pointless.
Either way, in regards to you saying that you have always know you'd kill your self - you can kill your self any time but un-killing yourself isn't quite as easy, so don't limit your options.
I hope that made some kind of sense anyway, I'm typing and thinking whilst tired so it was probably gibberish.
Look after your self
Rick
