I'm scared.

[Stacey]

On Monday I went to my very first counselling session as advised by my doctor. It was awful. She took me back to my deepest darkest times and I just fell apart in front of her. I know its not her job but she was not comforting in the slightest. I really don't like talking to people who can not empathise, they make me feel so small.

Anyway, I left there feeling so low, lonely and disappointed that some issues from my past came back to haunt me. I am currently only 23 and already I have suffered from Bulimia and have the tendancy to self harm. After this session I was so sick. I felt weak and empty and thats because of something I had done.

I doubt it is just me who has experienced this but I turn into someone else. I just lose it, my emotions fly everywhere and before I know it I'm back to the horrible feeling of emptiness.

I want to just disappear but at the same time I am scared that maybe there is a Stacey 1 and a Stacey 2 which is something I have no control of

Thank you for letting me vent xxx

[Sweetpea]

((((( huge big hugs ))))) vent away. No one will judge you here. S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[Stacey]

Thanks Shaz xx

[KateG]

 %^% you rant away

I often thought there were 2 Kates when I was very ill

Thinking of you

Kate x

[Stacey]

Thanks Kate.

Were you able to take control? I am finding it really difficult to stop myself doing these things and its not always easy to hide the after effect. Scars, dizzy feelings etc.

xxx

[KateG]

I am much better now and am well on the way to being the old Kate again. It is a long road but there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though I could not see it for a long time

X

[Stacey]

I'm pleased that you're well on your way. I guess these things take time. Xx

[insignificant81]

Hi....ive seen 2 different counsellors, my psychiatrist and my psycholigist for CBT. I do agree that there have been times where ive felt my deepest secrets and fears were drawn from me ...... And then ...... Time was up! I was sent packing to allow the next poor soul into my still-warm chair. These feelings had been woken up and stirred from the depths of the black hole within and just left to float around in my head and through every vein and vessle in my body. I struggled so much with this at first.....but then somehow found myself able to cope a little better each time. I cant explain what changed.....just know that it may not always be the way u first experienced it....u may find it helps to be confronted with these demons face on, instead of them lying dormant waiting to rouse when the professional help isnt there

Take care x

[PaulaJo]

How have you been lately, Stacey? Have you continued with the counselling.
I agree with insignificant81 that it is helpful to deal with issues in the past, but at the same time, I think a counsellor needs to be sensitive to whether or not you are ready to talk about certain things. Therapy is no good if it is not done the right way, or 'forced' from you. Is there any way you can communicate this to your counsellor.

Attitude of the counsellor makes such a difference. I see a therapist and I think she was 'chosen' for me, based on an assessment of my situation, as she is older, female, and quite responsive to my sessions (ie not a dead-pan, poker-faced silent wall!). I know I was probably quite lucky with her.
Any chance you could perhaps get a different counsellor?

About the 2 persons thing... when I was at my worst (I call it, 'sucked into the black hole') I didn't recognise myself, even my reflection in the mirror seemed to be of a stranger, really quite eerie. And my mind, I didn't recognise it. I hated and feared everything in my life, but it was all irrational because I wasn't thinking of what I would replace things with, in my life.

Have you come across Mindfulness Meditation? It is probably not a total solution to your problems, but I found it really helped me when I was in the depths of the turmoil and anguish of depression. Maybe give these a listen if you can?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YW-TDOgstSE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn3D_Biilqc&feature=fvwrel

[vwone]

I agree, I went to see a counseller from the GP and whilst I listen to her there is little rapport she tends to just talk at me and guess my mind. I have another one that I last saw 7 years ago yet when I phoned her up as this one was not working it was like I had never been away. She listens and we have great rapport this is important.

Have you come across Mindfulness Meditation? It is probably not a total solution to your problems, but I found it really helped me when I was in the depths of the turmoil and anguish of depression. Maybe give these a listen if you can?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YW-TDOgstSE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn3D_Biilqc&feature=fvwrel

PaulaJo I have been recommended to do Mindfulness Meditaion but find it really difficult not to think about anything if that makes sense how did you do it?

[bookletters]

Stacey, I know what you are saying, my first CBT session I ended up in floods of tears! Still they are used to it lol!
Hang in there, depression DOES get better xx