Parenting while depressed

[Tacey]

Has any one got any insight on how to keep parenting when depressed?  I have been a monstrous mother lately.  DD is 3, and is a sensitive little soul.  Up until recently, I've parented very gently.  She's had firm boundaries, but no shouting etc.  Lately, the poor child doesn't know what's hit her as I've been so touchy, and have been putting her in her room for the most minor things to stop myself saying things I'll regret.  She is clearly very miserable.  I also have a 6 month old boy who I am managing to care for, but I'm losing my joy in him.  It's all getting very mechanical.

I try to pull myself together and will exhaust myself doing something lovely like reading, or playing, but the effort of doing it seems to result in me losing my temper.  I'm so inconsistent.  I'm wondering if I should just send her to live with my parents while I sort myself out.

Does anybody have any wise words, or just have been in a similar place?

[captainkeefy]

Hi there,

My Wife had depression hit really bad after having our third child. My Wife was already depressed at different times in her life but this hit real bad.

I was working 16 hours days as a chef and our little girl used to spend every waking hour crying, unless she was picked up and had constant attention from someone. One day my Wife burst out crying when I said I was going to work and told me how she felt. I packed my job in that day to help her out, I felt so sorry for her and found it very patronizing when people would say "Ah, got the baby blues?" Nobody seemed to care or help, just brushed it under the table and pretend she was being silly.

Do you live with your partner? If so would he let you go out for a few hours of an evening for a break? This really helped my wife, just some me time for her. If not it could be a good idea to ask your parents for some support, maybe the kids could stay one night a week? This would give you something to look forward to and give you time to socialize. I understand that sometimes it feel like your a bad parent but it's okay to ask for help. Remember that it's not you, it's an illness and you are going to get better.

Hope this helps a little.

[bookletters]

Hello Tacey,
First of all, please don't be too harsh on yourself. Depression is a very tough illness so in the same way as you wouldn't blame someone with a broken leg for not running a marathon, not being super mum when you are depressed is totally normal. We are all humans and you can't expect perfection at all time! The fact that you are aware that your parenting style has been different is in itself, evidence that you are a great mum!
As a teacher, what I would say to you though is, even though your children are young, they will know something is up and this may cause them a lot of anxiety as they may believe they are responsible for your anger and sadness etc. So, what I would say is, have a nice quiet moment with them and explain that at the moment mummy is feeling a little bit unwell and that's why she is loosing her temper and being sad sometimes. Tell them it's not their fault as mummy loves them very much and they haven't done anything wrong. Just mummy needs time to heal and while she is getting better she may get more angry than usual but this will pass. Children always understand a lot more than we think and once the situation is made clear to them, they'll feel better for it. They made even behave better for you.
I am sending you a big hug, keep fighting, depression does get a lot better with time xxx

[bookletters]

Oh and captain is absolutely right. Please do not be afraid to ask for help. We always think people won't understand but actually they do, a lot more than we think. I am so glad I told my best friend as she was able to help me so much. Once you start opening up about depression you realize soooo many people have / have had mental health problems in their family or friends at work etc. I hope things improve quickly for you xx

[Buttercup]

Hi

I have 4 young children. Firstly don't be afraid to ask for help.

If I find myself being snappy etc with mine, I close my eyes & breath out very slowly through my mouth and then open my eyes & deal with whatever I have to.

Please don't be harsh on yourself, just take each day as it comes.

Xxxxxxxxx

[bookletters]

Buttercup I admire you for doing so well between dealing with your mood disorder and 4 children. Wow!
Did you have bipolar before you got pregnant? I really want children (I am 31) but I am just a little bit freaked out that pregnancy makes my depression worse with the change of hormons etc....

[Buttercup]

Hi book letters

I can easily track my mood swings back to around the age of 13, but I wasn't diagnosed until last year. So I was bipolar when I had my children, just didn't know it.

I wouldn't let it stop you, I didn't experience any significant problems. If I was to have any more I would be referred to a specialist team as birth can cause significant bipolar problems but I haven't with mine.

Xxx

[Tacey]

Wow!  Thank you all, what a lot of support there is here!

Captain, I'm immensely fortunate to have a very understanding husband.  He helps as much as he can , but getting away is tricky as I'm breastfeeding.  I'll ask him to take DD out this weekend though. I've just got off the phone with my mum who was asking to come up and help next week.  I turned her down automatically, but I think you're right that it would help.  I'm going to swallow my pride and say yes a bit more.  What a wonderful thing you did for your wife.  I hope she has recovered well.

Bookletters, your kind words mean a lot, thank you!  I've also attempted to chat it through with DD, but she changes the subject  I'm hoping that just hearing it may have helped.  She seems to be mirroring me lately, being very angry/crying uncontrollably, which has concerned me, but it gives us the chance to talk it over.  Not half exhausting though!

Buttercup, I really appreciate hearing from another mum.  I will try to breathe through it rather than exploding.  Maybe DD will learn by imitation too!

[bookletters]

Thank for that Buttercup!
Tacey, your hubby sounds great. If you DD has been listening but changing the conversation, yup she has heard for sure. I am sure the getting angry and crying will pass. xx

[captainkeefy]

Hi Tacey,

Glad you are getting the support you need. I hope you start feeling better soon.

My wife was worried about breastfeeding because of the stigma it carries with it. I think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world watching your wife feeding your new born baby. Brought a tear to my eye the first time I seen it which I really didn't expect.

[Catbrian]

Tracey.... I agree with the others, please don't be too harsh on yourself.  PND should be taken seriously.  The fact that you are very aware of your reactions and how it might affect the children, proves you are a good Mum.  You need a bit more support and don't be afraid to talk to the GP or Health Visitor.

[Sweetpea]

I also breast fed my 3 boys and I loved it. So good for you for feeding your babies. PND is real and it makes me mad when people dismiss it .  I also urge you to seek help. Either through your health visitor or Dr.  S x x x x 

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