I thought I would share my experience of my life in the past month since I last posted here looking for guidance and how to open up and admit to my manager that I'm suffering from major depression , I finally bit the bullet after a few attempts of course I finally told her, and was surprised at her reaction , that it was supportive and offered to give me 2 weeks off which I took. Because I said to myself that I'n the two weeks I need to try and improve things in my life. Well so far so good, I started doing yoga which was quite relaxing and it seemed that my meds where finally kicking in and
I was in a good mood for most days and looked forward to going back to work and seeing other people , the week went past quite well until last Monday night. I was at work. It was around 5pm and suddenly I felt terrible , worst I have been for years I basically had to isolate myself from everyone else until the shift was over at 8. Leaving work I have a short walk to the bus stop and I put on my iPod and started to listen to a song over and over, living on a prayer, and as I was walking down the road. I was actually smiling because in a weird way I was going to end it all I was actually happy that I knew that I could go home and kill myself.
I went to the top deck of the bus and sat at the front just staring out at the window looking at the world pass me by as soon as I went in I took a half full bottle of alcohol upstairs to my room, and just lay there with the same song playing over and over on repeat , I felt so lonely but at the same time I felt relief if it makes any sense , I had some pills (zopiclone) which had been prescribed due to my insomnia I finally took the pills finished the bottle, went back down stairs and started to drink again , Expecting that I would not wake up again in he morning I went back up and lay on my bed in my dark room and drifted off.
I woke up around 5 am and was shocked that I was still here, I got up and left for work early and carried on as if nothing had ever happened.
It was not until earlier today that I opened up and admitted to my therapist what I tried to do, and broke down in tears, One of my lowest points in my life , We talked and she made me think that today might of been my funeral and not my appointment, and made me think of who would find me the next morning if i was successful, it scared me because I knew she was right.
I know that I need to open up more, only 4 people know of my battle, the doctor, therapist, manager and work friend, I know that I need to let people in more , it is hard. But eventually hopefully I can get to where I want to be in life
