New and hoping to get better

[tallulahtwinkle]

Ok, so let me introduce myself.

I'm 34, mum of 2 in the UK. 
I've lived on my own with the kids for just over a year now, the relationship I was in previously for 5 years was terrible and I think this has affected me to the point where I have very little self confidence and critisise myself about everything which leaves me feeling quite worthless.

My ex, who was not the childrens father, had a terrible temper, he had absolutely no patience and a drink problem to boot.  It was like walking on egg shells for 5 whole years and I cannot believe I got myself to the point where I was scared to leave. I couldn't have a differing opinion about things to him or that would start a row!  Anyhow, I left, and that is the important thing, however my increasing saddness within the relationship had left me with very little self esteem and an amount of debt that I'm now struggling to pay off.  Spending made me happier, or so I thought!

So I left and me and the kids rented a small house on the other side of town.  I started to tackle my debts by using a debt management plan which is still ongoing and will be for some time.  I enrolled myself onto a dating site, and after sifting through lots of weirdos replies I started chatting to a lovely guy, met him a month later and we're still seeing each other.

A few months into our relationship I knew I'd fallen for him but didn't say anything, a few weeks later he ended things as he didn't know what he wanted to do etc...it took us about a month but we got back on track although I'm still totally terrified that he will end things once again.

I can't accept compliments from him, I absolutely detest myself and I need this to change but I don't know where to begin.

I have lost a lot of weight since last year, well 3 stones, and always thought I'd be happy with my body if I did, but I'm overly critical now and can't stand to look at myself naked, I guess i think he will think about me the same way as i do. 
I suppose I don't feel good enough for him, he has this really good job and I'm in a crappy office job with no hope of getting anything better.



I must sound bloody awful, but I keep all this to myself, I can't really talk to anyone and I've covered it up for a long time but it's becoming increasingly harder to do so.


Life just seems to be a struggle right now, especially with the kids, who are 8 & 12, they treat me like sh*t, they won't take discipline and I'm ashamed of them sometimes, especially how they speak to me infront of other people when I've tried my best with them on my own (their dad doesn't give a toss) I start to resent them at times and imagine how free I would feel without them.

I've tried cipramil and fluoxetine in the past but these just made me very sleepy, also I feel like a failure if i have to go back to the doctors again,

Is this depression? Anxiety? I've not a clue, I just know I'm in such an unhappy place just now, any advice would be great x

[Pip]

 $£$ and  +_+

You're not a failure and you need to get back to your doctor.  It can be hit and miss with medication to start off with so it's nothing personal.  Your doctor needs to know how you are feeling to get the medication right for you.  It does seem like you're suffering with low self esteem as well as depression so need your confidence boosting.  You are managing your life, getting your debts paid and raising two children which is a lot to be proud off.

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome :). I also think you should go and have another chat with your Dr. We are all different and there are many different meds to try. Take care. S x x x x

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[tallulahtwinkle]

Thank you both.  I was feeling a bit happy for a while and this has just hit me like a bolt out of the blue again.  I just don't know what to say to the doctor when I go.  I always think they judge you and just prescribe whatever they feel like doing 
I keep crying when I'm on my own, part of me wants to just sleep and not wake up again. 

I woke up this morning and thought I felt ok, but after about half an hour the feeling crept back over me.
I'm in the frame of mind too where I really don't want to be in any kind of social situation. 

I have a sad lamp at home, I may try to use that each night to see if it makes a difference.

xx

[Sweetpea]

Do so feel for you. Depression is a horrible illness and it can make us feel very alone. That's the lovely thing about this forum you are never alone here. As we all understand. Maybe it would help to write down how you are feeling before you go to the Dr. This way you will not forget what to say. I get terribly worked up when I have a dr's appointment and normally end up bursting into tears .  S x x x x

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[Zaf]

Hi and welcome  *()

Z xxx

[Els]

Hello and welcome  *()

I used to cry every time i saw my doctor. I used to get so worked up and panicky that as soon as i sat down the tears would come.

He once said to me that the tears helped him to understand my pain. He could visibly see how much i was struggling and suffering. It was at the point when i went to my doctors and didn't cry that i knew i was making progress.

I agree with Shaz about writing things down - that's a great idea, and definitely worth a try.

Stay strong and take care

Els xx

[Michael Frankum]

 &(* Hello and welcome to the forums. The people here have been wonderfully helpful and supportive to me, and I'm sure that you will find the same. Best wishes.

[Catbrian]

Hey Tallulah... Pleased you found the Forum.  I'm sure you'll find it very helpful and supportive.

The fact that you somehow found the strength and courage to leave that abusive relationship, demonstrates what a strong character you really are.  I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but hopefully, at some point, you will draw more strength and confidence from it, because it is more than a BIG thing to walk out on a long term abuser.  Unfortunately, you'll probably carry the emotional scars for some time to come. But, it sounds like you will make positive moves towards sorting things out

It sounds like you've got sorted with a new home and a new partner, who, thankfully, seems to be the complete opposite to the other nasty piece of work.  I hope you can enjoy the relationship for what it is.  He sounds a nice bloke, you evidently get on well, AND he obviously finds you attractive

When you're going through difficulties, it must be exhausting to then attempt to cope with unruly youngsters.  My sister, whenever her two boys were naughty, would remove computer games... whatever technology they play with for a set time.  It must take a lot of patience

Sounds like you've got a decent GP.  You are obviously depressed and with very good reason.  Sometimes AD's do help and maybe he might suggest that.  I always take my anti-depressant at night, this way, I don't feel any drowsy effects during the day.  It also sounds like you can be proactive in sorting through your issues.  Perhaps a CBT course would suit you best.

Good luck.... you've got quite a journey ahead of you, but it sounds like you will come out the other end in a much better position and frame of mind. 

[I.B Igor]

Hugs Talulah, After the great advice that has been given already, all I can say is, try this, You got out of a bad relationship, YOU nobody else , You. You have raised single handed two children, without the aid of anyone You. While coping with a move, and two children YOU kept your job, in this day and age, that's a miracle.

You found yourself and your children a new home, You. And now you have found someone to love You.

I think you are one brave, strong lady, forgive yourself for allowing a weak cruel man to rule you. You are amazing.