I am really not sure if I should be posting this.

[supportme]

I haven't been signed on since... maybe January. I wouldn't consider myself a 'member'. I came on here for support when I needed it the most, and I guess now I feel slightly lost again. I can not bare to read anyone's posts, because it hurts me to be reminded that people I love and care deeply about have had a real tough time. This isn't another episode. I am sick to G-d with this illness dictating my life. I am reducing my intake of pills and getting myself straight, as straight as a twisted person can be. I am due back at uni in a week. It's not the case of me thinking I'll drop out again, it's just that Westminster brings back chilling memories, and the only good thing that remains is my supervisor. I'm not sure how I will remain motivated, I'm not sure how I'll complete essays (on time). All I am sure about is that I want to become a Doctor.

Dr. Blossom. I hope I am strong enough to get there. 

I have another 6 years in education left, but I'm not one for looking at the big picture or into the future. If this disease has taught me anything it is to remain grounded in the present. F**k the past and F**k the future, right now is all that counts. And right now, I miss Emma, my best friend. She is starting her teacher training course on Monday, and knowing I am going back to Westminster without Em there reduces me to tears. I don't know if this is just me, but this disease hates change. I want my girl with me, telling me I'll be alright. All I have is my supervisor and course leader who said they would keep an eye on me. I miss Michael my CBT man, I swear he has been the only person who has truly 'got' me. Damn, I feel sad. At least I am getting it all out.

I want to feel brave. I can acknowledge that I have come along way since December 2011, and that I have began to turn my life around but since reducing my dosage my achievements feel minuscule. I guess it's withdrawal.

Anyway, I'm not expecting or asking anyone to reply and I guess this should have gone under the journal section. I'll probably forget what I have written by tomorrow. Nevermind. Goodnight xxx

[Glen53]

Its normal to feel this way about somewhere if your last memories of the place were bad ones. Just try to remember that although the place is the same the times have changed and may well bring opportunities for you.

Keep fighting.

[Pip]

Your post is fine where it is  %^%

[hopeful]

I'm sorry you're feeling so scared about returning to study. Have you spoken to the Uni about getting the right support?

But I really hope you do follow your dream to become a doctor. I work in the NHS with many doctors who seem more concerned with their academic achievements than actually caring about patients.

Your experience of depression and mental illness will make you better doctor who can truly help patients in the future with greater empathy than most medics.

H xx