Hi
I just moved out of Christian Community and am now trying to get used to life "on the outside" as it were.
It isn't helped by the fact that I didn't really want to move out in lots of ways. I mean, it was my choice, because my head wasn't coping coping with the lifestyle and I needed to be out of it where I could have a bit more control over my own life - so it was my decision to do it, but the whole reason I was in community in the first place was because I believe in that lifestyle, I admire it as a way to live, and I want the things it stands for - and the ways it gives other kinds of freedom.
And I can't have it. I kind of accept that - it's just about having to accept my limitations - but the result is that here I now am trying to get to grips with a way of life I had turned my back on, and I don't even want to get to grips with it. It all just goes against the grain.
Just normal stuff like shopping - really weird.
My first shopping trip in a mini supermarket I ended up getting followed round the store by the security guy - I realised afterwards I must have been behaving really strangely from his point of view because I was wandering backwards and forwards from one thing to another struggling to think what I wanted to buy and generally behaving like a classic shoplifter. It was quite funny really. Except that since then I've realised I haven't been able to face a full sized supermarket at all.
It all happened a bit fast. From making the decision, I was out of community in 2 weeks, and I haven't really had time to process what it means. Just doing all the stuff to sort out getting a place to live and a car and stuff used up pretty much every ounce of capacity I had (plus a bit I didn't have).
I keep hitting the brick wall of the fact that I don't want to process what it means. I don't get the point. I don't want to get back into this lifestyle. I mean, I should probably do things like get a TV - part of having my own space is being able to do things like just distract myself with a nice mindless TV program when I'm not coping, but I don't want to watch TV. I gave up TV because I wanted to. And I know it's something which I can actually use to be helpful to me - but I just have no motivation to get into it, so I can go in that direction, but it feels like wading through treacle because I'm just not interested.
Am trying to focus on the things I do want - like my computer. I had access in community, but it wasn't the same. You could never be sure the computer would be free, or it was free but there were people around, so I could use it, but doing something like this forum would have been a bit more difficult. So I like having my computer and being able to just sit here when I want and do what I want and (selfishly) not have to think about anyone else.
It's just time and adjusting, I suppose, but it's really difficult - especially as it's an adjustment I don't want to make.
Don't know if any of this makes sense - but hey, making sense is over-rated!!!
