Wish it were me

[Char]

A close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer 10 months ago and very sadly passed away last night. I am devastated about her loss and for her family's loss. I wish I could support the family more through this sad time but feel so caught up with my own feelings that I don't feel strong enough to. I hate myself for thinking this but I wish it were me who had died. She was such a lovely person and was so strong through her battle with cancer she deserved to live. I am a depressive wreck and have suicidal thoughts but am never brave enough to do anything about it. I should have been the one to die and she should have lived - she loved life and has a beautiful family. Why is life so unfair - I don't want to live anymore and yet someone who truly deserves life and makes the most of it dies. I feel so guilty for taking my life for granted but find life so scary and hard that I just wish it were over. I'm not sure for what I am grieving for more - the loss of my friend or my wish to die. I am an awful person for thinking this and hate myself for it. How can I live with myself or face her family when I'm feeling like this? Please help.

[Zaf]

I've had those feelings too in the past, I dont know the answer though but thought it might help a little knowing you werent the only one that thinks like this sometimes

Z xx

[Ezel]

No you're not an awful person for feeling the way you do.  It is tough enough losing someone close without the extra pressure of depression chucked in.   

[KateG]

I feel like that too, whenever I see the news and someone has died, I wish I had gone in their place &*(

[SuBee]

I felt like this as well when in the depths of depression. When I used to walk past a cemetery I felt a kind of envy for those who were in there!  Isn't that terrible? I thought, well at least they have peace of mind now -_).