So it's been two years since my descent into horrible depression and I still don't know how to get out of here. I work in a call centre and live at home with my parents but I don't speak to them and they don't seem to have any form of personality or emotions so I can't discuss anything with them.
I had a girlfriend for a while but she broke up with me and then told me that I put her through therapy... so that was discouraging to say the least. I can't seem to integrate with people at work and nearly had a mental breakdown when i first started as I found it didn't make any sense to me and I used to dread going in... It sounds odd but I would walk towards this massive building surrounded by big dark clouds and was expected to be confident talking to people on phones about serious issues (home insurance claims) and had to sit through weeks of looking through policy booklets reading small print about what is and isnt covered, limits, excesses etc. It wasn't so much depression, more like terror, fear and anxiety. I don't know why I went for this job... I am just drifting along taking whatever I can because I don't have any prospects in life or any confidence in myself whatsoever.
This is probably the most stable ive felt in two years - meaning its been the easiest to cope with. I can get through the day and sleep ok at the moment. But i still cant remember the last time I went a day without thinking about suicide. I get angry and irritable really easily and therefore find it difficult to talk to and relate to people. No one seems to ask how I am or cares about my issues even when I try to open up and that upsets me. The only friends I have are on here and I dont even really know anyone on here. some of you may have seen me post on here before but its been a while.
There is nothing about my life that I like. I dont have any close friends... just acquaintances at work who I say hi and bye to. Everything I used to be interested in seems to have vanished from around me. There is no new good music... no good places to go out in my town... nothing I can join that I would enjoy and make new friends through. Everything is so empty.
I have a lot of issues with anxiety and find it hard to do anything out of my comfort zone. I've had vague ideas of things I could do... like move to a different city... but I wouldnt know anyone there. I'd love to go travelling around Australia but my anxiety and panic attack issues are holding me back and I fear I would get lonely out there anywhere. It would be horrible to feel the same as this but on the other side of the world. Everything about my mental state stops me from doing anything with my life.
My issues used to be about pulling through the day and surviving... now I am actually managing to survive... Im just not actually "living" and it terrifies me that Im going to waste the rest of my twenties in this hole and I really wish I knew the way out. Im ugly and boring and no one ever sees any good in me even if i try to do something nice for someone... which i dont get a chance to do anyway because i dont interact with people.
Finding a career i enjoy isnt possible at the moment as I have worked far too hard at things with no reward at the end (education up to degree level) and I get stressed and depressed enough at the moment just living everyday, let alone trying to develop myself into something new. I wish I could just go somewhere and experience something amazing that would change my life. I dont have a car, i dont have many expenses so am saving lots of money, i dont have anything here that I would miss... but i have too much fear about travelling so I feel like I'll never get to do it, and I hate being that person who is stuck in their ways... I wish/hope someone on here can suggest something or provide some form of encouragement for me to be able to either move away or find something that would help me move away from this hole... it just feels like if i make a change then im actually going ot be making things worse because I will have more responsibilities so life will be even harder to cope with... I dont know... my brain does circles everyday trying to find an escape and im refusing to believe that there isnt one... i have some vague hope about this... i guess thats the only positive here... i would do anything to help myself if i could find something that i could actually feel positive about with out any doubts playing on my mind...
