hi to everyone old and new
the last time i posted was in july i had just had a med review and my medication was changed from 300mg venaxx (it has several other names ) down to 150mg my dosulepin was at 50mg and stayed the same and then i started on 15mg of mirtazepin (not sure of spelling) that was increased to 30mg after a week the initial changes were positive in the sense i was able to get to sleep at night within about half an hour for the first time in years this was great the downside was untill mid to late afternoon i could and often did fall asleep mid conversation this has improved i'm sleepy untill the afternoon but not as bad.when i first started my therapy around five years ago i had a lot of issues some of them near the surface some hidden deeper the first on the list was a fear of death to the point i would spend hours on the net looking at symptoms of lung cancer (ex smoker) liver disease (used to self medicate with bacardi) and a myriad other aches and pains whipping myself into an absolute mess ( there is a reason for all this i promise ) it took years of cbt and one on ones to be able to function properly. Although this saying is not really used for this situation it is apt believe me "you don't know what you've got untill it's gone " about two weeks into my new regime i crashed the fear of dying came back so strong it has at times literally incapacitated me my breathing has started to feel "off" like i'm not quite getting a proper breath and this has brought back all of my old habits ie symptom checking and analyzing my body over and over and nothing makes sense you know two and two equall a bag of spuds and then as if all these old friends coming back bigger and stronger wasn't enough the suicidal thoughts and planning has been kicked into high gear (i know it makes no sense) i have probably had at least half a dozen episodes where i have lost it and broken down with my wife (god bless her) having to coax me back despite all of this at a med review yesterday the locum physiciatrist listened (i think) just upped my venaxx slightly and said to carry on and talk to my physcologist about the other issues. this has been the first day back on here apart from an occasional lurk and i dont really know what to say (ironic i know) but help me please my physcologist is on leave i do have crisis numbers but i need help and to talk here is easier than to open up to strangers on the phone or in person it took years for my physcologist to peel back the layers and its not going to happen just like that with a stand in. please any advice,insight or experience of these meds and situations would really be appreciated (if you've got this far i'm sorry it took so long)
