Self-Harm, Why? I don't understand!

[TachionBeam]

Hi All,

Last night after having a bit of a manic episode, I decided to harm myself, only a few small cuts on my arm.... and it felt good... but at the time I was on Benzo's.

I don't understand why I did it, or why people do it. It felt like a great idea at the time, I want to do it again... but I know I shouldn't... what is the draw?

[Owl]

As someone who has self harmed quite severly in the past I'd reccommend that you don't get into it. At first it offers a release and the adrenaline (sp) running through your body makes you feel good. However, you will regret the harm you have done to yourself. Self harm kind of goes in a cycle, you harm and feel bad about yourself so harm as a way of releasing the emotion and so it continues. Having been manic and depressed I can say it's easy to do in both states but if I were you I'd quite while you are ahead.

Fox
X

[mrmoody]

I dont know myself. I did it for a year from 1997-1998 and then stopped suddenly. I was just making a mess of my arms and I thought why am doing this, its doing me no favours. I still have these scars and its just embarrasing now when I have to wear a t-shirt. I cant even remember what I felt when I did it, it all seems a blur now. I dont remember any pain but I am sure it stung like hell, especially when it came to going to A+E to have my wounds sterilised and patched. I remember feeling better when I had the bandages on, like I could physically see the pain and now it was healing. I remember one nurse seeming to have contempt for me and no sympathy even though I was in floods of tears at the time.

 I just feel a right dick now for doing it. I understand peoples motivation for doing it but cant fathom my own. Some people see me as weak for having done it and some see me a strong as I did it and came out the other side. My ex even went as far to say she liked my scars and they were part of who I am. Sad to say now she uses it against as just one reason why I cant see my kids again.

[TachionBeam]

I unfortunately resulted in going again, I would have never done this in the past... for some reason it just doesn't hurt to do it, it kind of relieves pain.

my perspective before was "how can you hurt yourself?" but seriously.... I cant feel the blade. But I feel rubbish after I do it.... WHY OH WHY

However both of your views are valid and common sense tells me that I am making a big big mistake.

I will NOT be doing this again. I will make sure of it. Hiding it from my family/partner... It is not worth it for me.

[Owl]

It's not unusual to not feel the blade. When I did it it was almost like something came over me and I didn't feel it, even when the cuts were deep enough to need hospital treatment.

What I would say is try to remember that horrible feeling you get afterwards. That's the cycle I'm talking about. You feel horrid for having done it which results in you doing it again...

I really hope you don't get into this pattern as it is very hard to break.

Fox
X

[CharleysAngel']

I don't know why either, I have self harmed a few times in the past year. I often feel very tempted to do it again but I have resisted the urge. I feel so stupid for doing it after but at the time it feels like the right thing to do.