Hello,
I tend to get really down and lonely at night, sometimes I sleep a lot and sometimes not at all. I've found that writing takes my mind off things, for a little while at least, and I thought I'd just write a post about my life to start with. Hopefully a few of you will be able to relate to what I feel.
The story:
I'm 26 years old now, and I guess I've suffered from depression for maybe 8 years or so. Sometimes when I was feeling down I'd ask myself "am I depressed? How can I tell if I am?", well I certainly knew I was when I'd experienced real depression. It feels like nothing else, like a huge weight is crushing you and you struggle to find the strength to do anything at all.
I'm sure you all know there are days when you can get on with life and things are manageable, and then there are times when you hit the lowest of the low and have dark thoughts. The first time I hit this low point was when I was 21-22, I knew a while before it happened that things were going downhill fast, and it was like watching a runaway train, I just couldn't do anything to stop it. I went to a Doctor, who turned me away and said they didn't have time to talk about things like this, they were busy treating 'real' illnesses. My thoughts turned to suicide, and I lay in bed for weeks not eating or drinking. Eventually I was taken to hospital with exhaustion etc.
Things picked up a bit after that, life ran more smoothly for a while, although I was still generally unhappy. Last year (when I was 24) the same things began to happen again, I went to another Doctor and was basically told the same thing as last time "just go to the community centre, you can talk with people there". I didn't want to talk to people about my life, I just wanted to feel better. Well, events repeated themselves, I got into trouble at work for falling behind and then a few days later was taken into hospital with exhaustion an dehydration. I knew it was coming a while before it actually did. After this I filed a complaint at work and managed to have my working hours reduced to 3 days a week in order to help me to manage better.
Today I'm 26. Things have been bad for a couple of weeks, although I didn't want to end up in hospital again and have been trying my best to remain physically healthy (e.g. forcing myself to eat and drink in order to avoid the same problems). I feel as though I'm plodding on through my life making one mistake after another. Before it all started I had a beautiful girlfriend, who has recently popped back into my mind. I feel intense regret for losing her, for the mistakes I made with her, and I have not dated or even been out socially at all since then. My depression was not in any way caused when I broke up with her, but when I had her I felt able to manage it because I had someone who was a perfect match for me, and I knew she was always there to help. I never experienced any really low times in those days, it was only when I had no-one to rely on.
I do have very obsessive tendencies, which I did not even realise until I was in my early twenties. I can't help the way my mind works, but by becoming aware of this 'abnormal' behaviour I can at least put on an act in certain situations. It's hard work doing things like this but I suppose I'm at least attempting to better myself by limiting my obsessiveness.
Anyway, during my low points in the past couple of weeks I've made a decision to try my utmost to become a better person. I wrote down my feelings regarding the past few years, and I've found that it does help to unburden my heart and mind a little, as well as passing some time. I'm trying to turn my negativity around, and to give myself goals at certain points in the year in order to manage things one day at a time. It's hard, every day is like a test
Thanks for listening.
