The roots of my depression start from my early teens and soon after my sister was pressured into aborting her baby when she was 15. Whatever I did was never good enough, I was moody, I was compared with my sister who was ‘perfect’ and clever, I was a liar, you name it I got it chucked at me. It was such a stupid situation that I tested out a theory that if I lied to my parents they would believe me but if I was honest I would be accused of lying. Sadly my theory proved right hence the reason I constantly got accused of lying.
What made my depression severe was being coerced into surrendering my son in 1981. I fell pregnant when I was 19 years old and worked for the civil service at the end of a bad relationship. I kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into surrendering but when my parents found out they decided my baby was being adopted no matter what. I refused to agree to this so refused to discuss the matter. My parents arranged everything so the first time I saw anybody from the adoption agency was after he was born and I still refused to agree to him being adopted. Not once did I agree to him being adopted, I didn’t know my rights, I didn’t see the paper work and I didn’t sign anything yet the adoption still went through. I didn’t even know I couldn’t consent to surrender until my son was 6 weeks old. It took 23 years and reunion for me to find out the extent of the lies.
Adoption is the most painful experience I have ever gone through and it is an invisible amputation. It is gut wrenchingly painful and I have never got over it. I believe I was going mad as I was expected to get on with my life and forget about my son. Yet I was hurting inside and the pain was a real pain but nobody would have believed me if I tried to explain it. For many years I went through a cycle of self harming and trying to commit suicide by overdosing. I would use knives and scissors to cut myself, usually round my stomach, sometimes my arms so nobody would ask questions. The suicide attempts obviously didn’t work although I did end up in hospital overnight and on a heart monitor back in 1998. That was one of the scariest nights of my life and when I hear of people who have near death experiences I believe them as I went through that on that night.
I need to stop now and give myself a break.
