The Nothing

[Sallas]

I can feel the nothing starting to seep in again. Thursday i ended up on the floor in my hallway crying so hard I couldnt move, that should have been the first sign, huh? :) All i see is endless days and endless nights ahead. Each and everyone of the more lonely than the next. I do have people around but not ones that could truly understand the dark places Ive been to. Dont you hate the line 'Everyone has problems', 'Everyone gets depressed' its so belittling, surely if everyone felt this way people would pay attention to each other more. I get it, everyone does have problems but is it wrong to think that those of us here seem to have bigger ones or at least they effect us more. I dont know how this week is going to go, Ive been here before, its like looking at at the sea seeing the clouds darken overhead, I know whats coming and ive survived but I never take that for granted, I know I may not see the daybreak and Im ok with that. Hmm Isnt calm depressed more scary than crying screaming depressed? I know i have more potential to hurt myself when im this calm, almost rational. Anyway Im just rambling. Im kinda lost tonight, too many thoughts not enough hope.

[Micky]

I'm with you too. I fear the medication I'm taking making me not care instead of the pain I feel. I've wasted a chunk of my life not caring. At least when you're hurting you know you're alive. I have friends who have been through similar depression to me and maybe worse but I still feel alone. It's natural to feel this way regardless of what you're friends and family think.

[Sallas]

Yeah Mikey, at when ur crying you feel better ehen u stop. When i cant cry i dont know how to vent.

[CharleysAngel']

Sallas, I can relate to some of the things you are going through. No one in my family or my friends really understand what I am going through, and it makes me feel really lonely. A lot of people say ' everyone has problems' and that upsets me because like you said, yes everyone has problems but some are far more affected by those problems, people with depression are especially vulnerable and the slightest things can affect them. But unless someone had experienced depression they cannot understand that.

Have you thought about maybe going to see your GP, they might be able to help you so that things don't get really bad for you and try and stop this from happening again. If not then you have all of us here to support you xx

[Micky]

I welcome the crying episodes because afterwards for a while you feel calm. You can vent just by talking on here. Rambling and talking about anything. Doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you but often you'll find that it makes sense to someone else on here.

[Sallas]

Yeah ive done the GP, tabs thing for me it only made my life more
complicated. Im fine once i can close the curtains and keep away from people when it hits. Not the best way to deal i
know but i cant afford to rock the boat as such, it took my an age to get a job i like, a place on my own, i need to keep these things if ive to stand half a chance at a life. Tabs effect me too much. Id love to try counsilling but i cant afford it and i know the waiting lists the other way are too long, as well i know beggers cant be choosers and all that but i dont think i could talk to someone younger that me. It would take everything i have to talk to someone as it is and someone younger, i just wouldnt turn up. I know I wouldnt.

Thanks for you comments guys, i really appreciate them. It's nice to see people dont say stop moaning straight away.

[Micky]

How old are you??

It's not moaning. It's venting. Letting the bad stuff out to someone, anyone.

[Sweetpea]

Have you considered getting advice and counselling through MIND?  I have just completed my counselling through them. The cost is £35 but if on benefit or low income its much lower or maybe free.  I have found MIND to be such a help to me over the years I have suffered.

S x x 

[Sallas]

Its going to be a long night, brain is on overdrive.

[mamalou]

I'm with you. Isolation is the word of the day. Surrounded by people but not connecting with anyone. It's grim.

Oh and I agree calm depressed is much more dangerous than loud and screaming depressed. ( for me that is - everyone is different)