Is this the end?

[Beetzart]

Had an argument with my wife earlier where she quite clearly made what her true feelings were towards me.  That she hates me.  She is right I don't do much, I have no energy, no life, no spark, nothing.  I'll either sit here on the PC or lie in bed.  At the moment I am listening to Rachmaninov's Isle of the Dead as it matchs my mood.  I'm too scared to leave the house, and when I do I feel anxious and overwhelmed.  The thing is I have spent years trying so hard to do the right thing, work, be pleasent and honestly only speak when I am spoken to.  But I've had enough, I've worked in &$%+ jobs with &$%+ people for 15 years, always paid the bills even if that meant getting into 30k of debt.  She and our children have never gone without, I have always provided on top of having recurrent depression since I was 18.  f***, what does it take for people to realise I'm not well?  I expect I'll get a mouthful of my dad tomorrow when I visit, as he is like the wife, things build up then all of a sudden any sympathy they had disappears and they roar at me about how lazy and useless I am.

Well what to do?  I think I might slice my arms to ribbons later.  Maybe I will get the train to the nearest A and E and try and commit myself.  Or I could walk upstairs and swallow a dozen lithium tablets.  I see no other option, this f***ing disease has won, it has finally stripped me open and sucked the lifeout of me once and for all.  You should see me, I look in the mirror and I look awful; unshaven, dryskin all over my face, messy hair, I wear the same clothes for days on end etc.  

Then there are you people, the nicest, most sincere, genuine people I have come ever across.  Sorry if this sounds bad but I have no where else to turn.

[Zaf]

People who have never suffered from depression have no idea how badly it affects us and that we simply cant do the things that are expected of us any it hits us badly. 

My advice would be to go to A&E or your out of hours doctor and tell them you are in danger of harming yourself

Z xxx

[KateG]

Hey Beetzart, if it's any consolation, I look awful too. And I was always such a girly girl. Now I am seriously in danger of turning into Waynetta Slob.

You're not lazy or useless, you're just ill. It's rough on our nearest and dearest because they don't understand what goes on inside our heads, that we're scared to leave the house most of the time. But then again it's really really rough on us. And when they snap, which is inevitable, we can't cope at all. My OH is brilliant most of the time, but occasionally if he says "Kate, I can't cope with this right now" then I lose it completely.

Hang in there, please try not to self harm or take anything. Do you have the crisis team's number, or the Samaritans just in case?

Xx

[Sweetpea]

Oh Beetzart, thats awful for you.  Zaf is right people that have not suffered with depression do not know whats its like to live with it.

You really must get help from either A & E or dr.

We are here to support you.

S x x x

[Beetzart]

Thank you so much for your replies.

The thing is I tried to fight back when she was laying into me and afterwards I didn't feel anger, just guilt.  Guilt as if how dare I feel like this.  It's hard for them to get their heads around this situation, obviously.  I have been suicidal many times before, off work sick, hospital, even turned to alcohol for long periods (don't drink anymore though) even attempted suicide on several occasions.  This isn't something I have looked up on the net a couple of months ago and thought 'ah, that looks like something I can pretend to have to get a few weeks off work'.  I got bullied at work, I snapped, got signed off, waiting for the grievance procedure to begin, but now I am getting bullied to go back to the situation that created the problem in the first place.  Some people think that depression can be cured by forcing yourself to do things you don't feel you can do.  I'm afraid I don't agree with that, the brain needs time to heal so things have to be done in small steps, slowly.  Trouble is that makes you look lazy, and people tire of seeing you always miserable.  I was in a situation where I got told this at work everyday, but going home wasn't a relief because I got told it at there as well.  I told my GP the other day that some people tell me to stop taking my meds, he looked at me very sternly and said 'no, don't, you musn't do that, some people always think they know better, but don't do it, please!'.  I assured him I wouldn't.

Anyway, I have calmed down a bit now, that maybe the mirtazapine I have taken (only 1 pill) though.  I have a telephone appointment with a psychologist on tuesday and they sent me a form to fill in, one where you score how you have been lately, mine will be quite high!

Can I just say thank you all again for replying, you have probably saved me from doing something stupid.

[Zaf]

When we have depression we need to rest and we need to keep away from situations that are a trigger for us, I believe that doing so is vital to help us recover. 

Hang in there till your appointment on Tuesday but if you get near the edge again before then do consider medical help or the samaritans

Z xxx

[KateG]

&*(

[Sweetpea]

Depression cannot be helped by forcing us to do things, just makes things so much worse for us.

Thank goodness you are ok.  I hope you get the help you need from your telephone appointment on Tuesday.

 &*( &*(

S x x x

[Johann]

My heart is crying out for you Beetzart. We all know how you feel. My wife too has on a few occasions cracked up and even threatened to harm herself. It is very difficult for the people living with you too even if they do understand,or not, what you are going through.

Have you had blood tests done to rule out any underlying conditions such as anemia or an underactive thyroid?

May I suggest a nice long warm bath with about 2 cap-fulls of Detol in. Wash your hair, shave and get a fresh set of clothing on, even if this takes 2 or 3 hours to do. If possible take a short walk outside or at least just get some fresh outside air into your body. Try and do small chores around the house like washing a few cups or tidying-up your garage/shed or brewing a pot of tea. When you lie or sit back, listen to some peacefull classical music while letting your whole body relax totaly and concentrate on the music. I have gone back to work and find that keeping busy, albeit difficult sometimes, is better than sitting at home although I am not out of the woods yet. My staff support me tremendously which helps a lot. But, saying all this, I do understand fully how you feel and how difficult it is .................  trying to keep up appearances is not easy; I know!!

Well, this is what sort of works for me. My GP and psychiatrist are working on changing my medication next week.

Best wishes to you Beetzart, we are all there to support you and each other.   

JT

[Beetzart]

Thanks again for your comments  :)

Johann, I took some of your advice, and had a shave!  Face feels much better now.  I do though listen to classical music for most of the day. Do you have a favourite?

B

[Zaf]

Well done with that shave, it may seem a small thing for 'normal' people but it was a big step or you :)

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

Glad that you managed the shave.  Its a positive step.

Take care

S x x

[Johann]

Well done Beetzart, you're a star!! From experience I can say that I feel a lot better after a warm bath and a good clean-up, even if it takes much effort. Being up also makes me feel better than staying in bed, even if I'm just slumped into a chair.
As far as the classical music goes, I go for the big symphony orchestras and spesifically music by Andre Rieu. The BBC also has a radio station dedicated to classical music.

I've heard that working/connecting with animals also has a very therapeutic affect. Maybe you could try to do a small bit of voluntary help at a nearby animal rescue centre or RSPCA or even just walk or cuddle a friend's dog?? ..........easier said than done, I know, but try to get outside even if it is just for a few minutes a day.

Another thing is eating. I have had occasions where I couldn't even get half a slice of bread into my body. Not eating also deteriorates the body and makes one feel weak. I have found a nice cup of thick creamy soup (chicken soup) with a slice of full grain bread the easiest and nutritious or a cup of warm Milo. I think GPs quite often overlook the nutrition, or rather the lack there of, side of depression and it is important to also look after the well being of that aspect. I think it is easier getting a nutritional drink in than solid food. Funny thing is that late evening I feel at my best and it is then that I raid the fridge and stuff myself to compensate for not eating the next day ...LOL.

Wishing you well and all the strength that you can find.

JT