Depression ruining my dream

[tryingmybest]

Where to start???

I'm 37 and have suffered depression since I was about 22 (at least that's when I first noticed it). I'm not quite sure what initially sparked the depression but I did have a couple of breakups that hit me hard, a few family members passed away and I've constantly battled with my parents about almost everything I do. I'm a very determined person and despite this I managed to get a bachelors degree and build up a very good career in computer programming.

From the ages 28-33, I slipped into a heavy bout of alcoholism and was going out every night. Obviously, I fell really behind in my work and hit rock bottom. I ended up having to leave work and this was the wake up call I needed. In the years since then, I've seen doctors, counsellors and tried antidepressants. The only thing that seemed to work for me though was running. So from that point, I've really turned things around. I overcome the alcohol problems, ran my own business for a year, travelled around the UK coast for a year, run a marathon, and now have gone back to university to study for a masters degree as what I've always wanted to do is move to Los Angeles to work.

Due to this unorthodox lifestyle, I don't have any friends anymore (they've all settled down), I haven't spoke to my parents in  a long time (they constantly run me down, so I had to get away from that) and as I'm doing a research degree, I spend all of my time alone. I'm not too concerned about this, it's just that I'm really struggling with mental blocks when trying to study lately and am feeling my depression creeping back. The more I find out what I need to learn to get the job I want, the more I'm realising how far behind I am. I suppose my ultimate fear is running out of money, losing the dream of moving abroad, and knowing that my parents would be saying told you so. I'm also really concerned that I'm never going to meet a partner as I've tried dating sites a couple of times but don't get any responses and I'm feeling that I'm getting too old to meet anyone. I think the mental blocks may be coming from having to study areas that are nothing to do with what I'll finally be doing in a job (and thus interested in), but are a necessary evil to get through the interview process.

Am I worrying too much? Am I chasing this dream too hard? Should I just be taking the pressure off and going after an easier job to get? If I do settle for another job in the UK, I feel that would be the end to the US dream as it's increasingly harder to get my type of job after 40 (whatever the law says). Should I not be concerned about being totally isolated at the moment and never being in a situation to meet a partner? I know exactly what I have to study to go after the dream. I just find myself staring at the screen and becoming depressed and upset and i don't know why.

I guess it would be good just to get other peoples thoughts on whether I'm doing things glaringly wrong and can't see the woods for the trees before I start the slippery slope back into depression.

[Flea]

The fact that something lights you up, and you have the energy to pursue your dream is a positive in my opinion - I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, so I admire you :-). Can you stay as you are?  Would you beat yourself up for not trying?  Are you doing it to prove your parents wrong, or to prove something to yourself?

[tryingmybest]

I know what you mean, I was like that in my dark days. I fear I'm slipping back to that state of mind though. I know worry is counter-productive but I'm worrying about not being able to get a job and always being alone. I do tend to be hard on myself but I so much don't want to let my chances slip by as I've already made so many mistakes in the past. I guess I'm just getting very lonely and thinking about things in the past. I don't necessarily want to prove my parents wrong, I just don't want what they predicted (for me to lose everything) to come true. On paper, it's all planned out. Learn XYZ, go for interviews until a job offer comes along and start new life. If only I could switch off my destructive and hurtful thoughts.

[Mr DM]

sounds like the reverse of me i think. i ran forever, literally physically and mentally.  running is addictive, but dont worry about that as long as it keep you buoyant.  i recovered i think from lifelong depression after having clinical depression twice in 2 yrs, most recently 2yrs ago at 33, then seized a job overseas 2009 and now im stuck as im in a world of negativity and scared &$%+eless as ive been on meds for 2.5yrs too and since i know what its all about but feared it reemerging and i think i over-thought about my over self awareness and feared stress and results of that are entrapment and vicious fricking cycles,  now im looking to return back to UK back to the parents home where it all began.  deja vue beyond.

the advice i have is dont look for one achievement or one aspect so that once youve reached it then you'll be ok.  it seems basically keep having something to work towards, idle minds etc.  keeping yourself hived up in the computer room is not likely to get you amongst people to find a partner.  Keep on the running and grafting, i hope i can rekindle something.  cheers