I feel like such a failure

[Karriegem]

Hi,  I’m sorry if this is long, I just to get my thoughts organised I think.  I am 26 years old and I feel like my life is such a mess, I just don’t know what to do anymore.  A few years ago I gave up my job to go to uni because I decided that I wanted to be a teacher, I knew that this would be difficult money wise but at the time I thought it was worth it.  I graduated last year and started my first job in September but I had been feeling increasingly low and unwell for sometime and this got worse and after my grandmother died a few weeks into my knew job I just fell apart, I wasn’t enjoying my job even though I had enjoyed teaching during my training (although I don’t know how much of that was due to how ill and depressed I was feeling).  In November I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and depression and was signed off work and I am still off work.  I have been on various anti-depressants since then but none of them have worked and I am now on a waiting list for CBT.

I just feel like such a failure.  All my friends are engaged or married, and are having children, and have great jobs and their own houses, but I’m still at home, which I hate, because I have no money.  I have only ever had one relationship and that ended several years ago and I have been on my own since, I hate the way I look, I am overweight and feel like no one will ever want me.  Now I feel like I have messed up my career as well because my contract comes to an end soon and I can’t see anyone wanting to employ with this illness and absence on my record, especially in my first job.  I just don’t know what to do, every day I think tomorrow will be a new start but I feel so low, I just don’t know how to change things, how to motivate myself to make things better when I feel so tired and run downed and depressed all the time.  Every time I think about going back to work I feel sick and panicy but at the same time, the longer I am off surely the harder it will be to get another job. 

I am unhappy in just about every aspect of my life, I feel like I am trapped in a life I don’t want but I don’t know how to change it.  I don’t want to feel like this forever, but I just feel hopeless. 

K x

[Aimez]

Hi K,

I am the same age as you and well done for having the guts to go to uni and becoming a teacher don't forget what an achievement that is! I I know it will have been said but the only way you can get back to work is try and stop worrying about it and get a bit better then start working again. Can you not do some part time teaching even volunteer just to keep your mind busy? I have not been signed off work for my depression and I find keeping busy can sometimes help.
I don't know what CBT is but can you not chase your GP about this?
I know exactly how you fell about people around you moving on and everything I have only really had one proper relationship and I messed that up and can't get over it after 2 years. I get frustrated about people moving on and the way I look and trusting men and friends.
I guess we all know on here that the only way to help ourselves is change even if it is scary. But being scared is sometimes a good thing as it can lead to happiness. I have made little changes slowly not there yet still a  long way off but just telling a couple of people has lifted a weight.
Not sure if any of this help but I don't want to be a hypocrite!

[Karriegem]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.  It's good to know I'm not alone although obviously I wouldn't wish feeling like this on anyone.  I know what you mean about relationships, I feel like I messed mine up really too, although there were problems on both sides, and even though it was about four years ago now, I'm still not really over him which makes me really cross with myself coz it was so long ago!  I think it doesn't help that I kind of feel lonely a lot of the time, all my friends are busy with children and husbands etc and when I do get invited out I often make excuses not to go because I feel so rubbish at the moment. 

CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I'm not sure whether it will work or not but I'm willing to try.  I chased it up with my GP this week but apparently there is an 8 week waiting list so it could still be a while.  I have been thinking about asking my head if maybe I could start going into school just to hear children read or help out groups or something, but I'm not sure and get panicy everytime I think about it.  I hoped that by now maybe the medication would have started to work or I would have started CBT so that I was starting to feel a bit better, hopefully making it a bit easier.  The fact that my contract runs out at the end of the summer term puts the pressure on a bit, I feel like if I don't go back soon, theres no way I'll get a decent reference and then whats going to happen when I try and get another job?! 

Anyway, it's good to talk, any advice is always appreciated and hearing about other peoples experiences is really helpful. K x

[Aimez]

I know I very rarely get asked out as they never see me and when they do ask I make an excuse as I get scared about going. I am on a waiting to list for a counsellor it is frustrating because of my work hours the only time I can go is Saturdays so think it will be a long wait.
Definitely ask the head for you to come in and help, they will want you back and want to help and what have you got to lose by asking really. You don't want tog et stuck in a rut staying home all the time. Good luck and you obviously have some real strength as you want to get better and want to go back to work so things are not so bad if you fell that way.