Hi. Im new to the forum and immediately im thinking why this should be my first post but im in a dilemna and struggling to know what to do. i guess everyone is ultimately.
Long story short, but will probably turn out longer than i hoped is. I recovered from clinical depression more or less after diagnosis in oct 07 through therapy in priory at end of jan 08. my depression orginally came from dad down the generations, agressive stubborn and negative beyond. though i struggled with return to work and know i was fragile but i was battling away, then was made redundant in dec 08 and hadnt really got into the flow of working as i broke my leg in june and was off another 3 months. i had a break from work and was doing fine then got a job overseas and moved away from friends and family in mid Oct 2009. i arrived all excited and at at beginning of dec 2009 i bombed and seemed realy down and lonely.
over christmas i went away with my flatmate on holiday locally overseas as he was down as he split from his girlfriend. I didnt want to drink as i thought i shouldnt as i was feeling edgy and needed to relax, couldnt relax because i thought i ought to be focussing on work and preparing to make that work and coudnt really work as i was battling negative feelings and exhaustion and that i ought to be able to relax - my general thoughts tended to circle around, youre losing it again arent you. and then i started to doubt and fear about what id taken on and started to recognise negative thinking, but wasnt sure what to do about it and then my head raced and reflected on the fact id not worked for 2.5 yrs and the job was commission based and some selling practices i wasnt happy with as it was unethical and then i began to struggle to function at work as underneath i wasnt going to be dishonest - financial advisers have got a terrible reputatio out here and that was getting me down - would i become one of them.- and wasnt talking to anyone about it and things snowballed to the extent i wasnt concentrating and just wanted to break down in tears but couldnt and my thoughts hit extreme negativity i.e. the s word, but i know its not that bad so. right well i knew i had to leave work last week, as i was really exhausted, but now im lost.
im at a good friends flat, but we been out of touch for 10 yrs, hes great but im slightly uncomfortable and unsure how to be, act, etc, ive not really made friends in the far east as theres not been time and ive been withdrawn. at times i feel like im really fine but others when my heads wondering how i get out of this situation. i like it here and want to be here but i think i may need to return to parents to recover slowly rather than forcing. ah its doing me head in as i feel ah. Im in the lucky situation that i can go to a yoga retreat or visit a friend in a neighbouring country or sit on a beach for a bit, but i seem to feel as though any of these might be just a short break before i need to either try for a new job out here or go home to recover or attempt finding something new in blighty which is less appealing. im been on mirtazapine 45mgs for 2.5yrs and a pschchistrist gave me zypraza 2.5 at night briefly which ive stopped and escitopram 10mgs during day which im weaning off after 2 wks. can anyone relate and suggest anything. thanks a lot
