Hi everyone I just joined this forum because I have suffered from recurring depression for about 10 years now (I'm 21) and I think I am sort of on the way to recovery, although I'm starting to think that having a completely 'normal' life and state of mind is probably unlikely. But I'm not going to feel bad about 'having depression' anymore, it's part of who I am and yes to quote a cliche, I think it has made me a stronger person.
I'm not sure why I have depression, who knows really whether it is a physical or psychological thing or a combination of both. I think I was always a sensitive child but still quite a happy one but when I was about nine or ten I got singled out at school, along with my small group of friends and was bullied by some of the other kids. I don't think there was any reason for it, it seems like we were just unlucky and these children were looking for people to put down, for whatever reason. Anyway, it wasn't so bad whilst my small group of friend were still together but then a couple of the girls left the school and I drifted apart from a couple of the others and was left with no one to really spend time with at school. My one best friend who I met around this time (and who I am still very close to) had never been singled out like me and my other friends and was one of the 'popular' kids so I didn't get to spend much time with her at school. I was very lonely at school as I was by myself a lot and I became very self conscious and although I know now that there was no reason why I should have been bullied and isolated like I was, the feelings of self-consciousness and of low self esteem that I got from these days have stayed with me since then and had a really detrimental effect on my life. Whilst I was still at university (I have 'dropped out' now) I went to see a counsellor who helped me to realise that the feelings that still effect my life started at this point in my life but actually have no place in my life anymore. I know that there is no reason to feel the way I do a lot of the time (self-conscious, empty, worried, awkward, useless, alone) but it's difficult to shake these feelings as I'm sure a lot of you know!!
My family have been supportive generally although when I was having trouble at university (I was at the lowest I've probably ever been, not getting dressed in days, sleeping all the time and not socialising) and I told my parents and my dad sort of freaked out at me when I said I wanted to leave. He accused me of being lazy and not having any direction in life, he asked if I was taking drugs and kept pushing for reasons for 'why' I was depressed and wouldn't just accept how I was feeling and support me. This was quite hurtful, especially since when I was younger I was always very close to my dad and now I feel like I can't really trust him anymore. Luckily whilst all this was going on I had an amazingly supportive boyfriend (unfortunately we have split up now as my depression had put far too much stress on out relationship and I don't think he could take the strain anymore). I will always be thankful to him for supporting me the way he did and putting up with everything and I really hope that sometime in the future there will be another chance for us (we don't speak at the moment and he has a new girlfriend).
To cut a long story short I left university after two years (during which I struggled with the academic and social aspects) and I'm living at home with my mum and have just started an Open University module in design. I'm not quite sure where my life is going but I know that I never want to let myself get so low as I have done before. But it's hard to find the happy medium between staying strong for myself and just pretending that everything is fine. I think that maybe I will always have those dark thoughts but I don't want to let them take over anymore. I have spent half my life so far experiencing these awful lows at least once or twice a year and I feel like I owe it to myself to keep things positive as much as I can.
I'm here on this forum because although I have had friends and family who are supportive and do understand sometimes I realised that I have never opened up to anyone who really knows how it feels to hate yourself, your life and not even want to get out of bed for days on end and you can't even put a finger on what it is exactly that makes you feel so unhappy.
Thank you for reading and I hope that I will be able to get some support from this forum and hopefully be able to give some support in return.
