Im not really sure where to begin really..
Im 23, nearly 24, and have suffered from depression since I was about 15. Anxiety is a fairly new thing for me. It took a while for my doctor to decide that thats what it is. Was sent off for loads of blood tests and what not, but they all came back fine. I am on several different meds, Sertraline, Amytriptaline, and Propranalol (sp?). Ive on them for a while now, the Propranalol only for a month or two, but I cant really tell if they're doing anything. I assume they must be? Also being sent to Talking Therapy. As much as I absolutely hate talking about things, especially how Im feeling, I hope it works. I have a bad habit of laughing my depression off and joking about it to hide the fact that Im dead inside, lol.
Ive had alot going on for the last month or so. Had some kind of break down and moved out of my boyfriends house back into my parents. Not really sure if that was a good idea, but its not like I can change my mind now. Would just be messing alot of people around really.
My friends know about my depression, well, as much as I am willing to let them know. I pretend Im fine, they buy it. The fact that I am furious all the time is like an ongoing joke between us.
Ive never been one for drink and drugs. Saying that though, since Ive been back home, I have gotten drunk alot. I know its bad for a depressive, and it only makes me feel worse, but if Im being forced to go out and spend time in public places, I find being balls-out drunk helps. At least that way when I make a fool out of myself or do something stupid, I don't remember it.
Work is a bit of an issue for me. I work nights, and only 3 a week, and even thats a struggle. Ive only been at this place since October, and have already been of like, 4 or 5 times? It might be more. My memory isnt very good. Anyway, my manager knows about my meds, and that there is something wrong with me, but doesnt really know any specifics. I overheard him bitching about his mother-in-law and how she has ocd, and how he just thinks shes crazy and should just get over it, so kind of terrified to mention anything about me, since he will just think im crazy too. He says he has to take further action regarding my absences, so I asked him straight up if it meant I was getting fired, he said no, just that they would have to look at ways of making work better for me, and I might have to see the company doctor. Not looking forward to that, I can barely even talk to mine, lol. I hate work. I hate that I have to work. I hate knowing that I will have to work til Im dead.
I didnt go in last night, was sick a few times during the day, and just genuinely cant get up. Ive been in bed for like, 30 hours. For no reason. Not even sleeping. And my manager texted me to say about my absences, and to tell me if I felt better I would have to come in. Which confused me a bit, cuz I work at a supermarket with food and stuff, I am sure in my contract it says were not alowed to work for 48 if theres been any vomiting or diarrhoea
I dont just feel down all the time, I feel physically unwell. Im tired, but cant seem to sleep for more than a few hours. I feel sick a lot, and often have an upset tummy. I dont get up or dressed unless I NEED to. I have no life goals. Theres nothing I want to do with my life, nothing I want to be 'when I grow up'. My family, friends and boyfriend are all there for me, and I know it, but I still feel like the loneliest person alive.
I think this would all be easier if I actually looked unwell ya know?
