I really need help

[Jess]

Hello everyone; it's me again.

For those of you who do not know who I am; my name is Jess and I am 16years old. I have been depressed since the age of around 6. For the past 10 years I have been battleing with Type 1 Diabetes a kidney disease since 18months old and multiple other ailments. I have recently started my AS levels which are beginning to take their toll on my mental stability. Due to the stress and depression I am currently failing my Chemistry; I have no motivation to work as all I can think of is my demise. I am finding the stress very difficult to cope with and it's affects on my depression are anything but savory.

However the main issue is much more serious than stress; since June 2011 til present (december 2011) I have neglected to taking my medication in the correct doses; I am required for adaquate health to administer four daily injection yet alas I have only been able to find the strength to take one of these each day. I am already experiencing the side-effects to this mascohism - loss of circulation, hair loss, insomnia, blurred vision and a general ill sensation. I have tried on multiple occasions to take the correct dose or at least more of my medication however I am struggling in moral to do so. I have told my very close friend that I am no longer taking the correct medication however this was shrugged off as a joke now referenced on a weekly basis as a form of entertainment in which I begrudgingly play along with.

I am constantly contemplating suicide as all that I would have to do is not take the one injection; I told myself to hold on until christmas as to not cause offence to my family and friends but now that it is over I cannot find reason to carry on. In March 2012 I am meant to be going to Vienna with my college yet all I can think about is how I can end my life whilst on the trip. I find myself looking at trees in which would be suitable to hang myself from; times in which I could drown myself without arousing suspicion even looking in the family medicine cabinet for drugs in which I could take without being noticed (my mother whom is disabled is prescribed extremaly potent medications to manage her chronic pain).

I wish I had the strength to talk to a doctor or proffesional but I feel as if my parents would not understand my depression as my younger sister is currently being treated for it. I know that I put on a mask upon awakening and only remove it when it's weight is too much to bear.

I'm so tired of crying on my own.

I apologise if this is incoheriant; I am writing in a flurry of tears upon less than 2hours sleep and I am supposed to be meeting with friends in a matter of hours; where once again I will have to adorn myself in falsified joy and happiness.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you yourself are doing alright.

King regards, Jess xx

[Zaf]

Jess, somehow you need to see a doctor, at the very least phone the samaritans xx

[Glen53]

I agree with Zaf, Jess.

It sounds like you are beyond what you can cope with alone and you need to seek some support for yourself.

You are not alone on here. You can talk to us anytime, but I fear all we can do is offer you moral support. I too have felt like ending it all, especially recently. I struggle to see the point everyday as things seem to be getting worse and worse. Im talking to my wife about things but all that seems to do is upset her. I will keep fighting though as this will end eventually - it will just take time. I believe with help, you will see things the same way.

[lost rolex]

Hello everyone; it's me again.

For those of you who do not know who I am; my name is Jess and I am 16years old. I have been depressed since the age of around 6. For the past 10 years I have been battleing with Type 1 Diabetes a kidney disease since 18months old and multiple other ailments. I have recently started my AS levels which are beginning to take their toll on my mental stability. Due to the stress and depression I am currently failing my Chemistry; I have no motivation to work as all I can think of is my demise. I am finding the stress very difficult to cope with and it's affects on my depression are anything but savory.

However the main issue is much more serious than stress; since June 2011 til present (december 2011) I have neglected to taking my medication in the correct doses; I am required for adaquate health to administer four daily injection yet alas I have only been able to find the strength to take one of these each day. I am already experiencing the side-effects to this mascohism - loss of circulation, hair loss, insomnia, blurred vision and a general ill sensation. I have tried on multiple occasions to take the correct dose or at least more of my medication however I am struggling in moral to do so. I have told my very close friend that I am no longer taking the correct medication however this was shrugged off as a joke now referenced on a weekly basis as a form of entertainment in which I begrudgingly play along with.

I am constantly contemplating suicide as all that I would have to do is not take the one injection; I told myself to hold on until christmas as to not cause offence to my family and friends but now that it is over I cannot find reason to carry on. In March 2012 I am meant to be going to Vienna with my college yet all I can think about is how I can end my life whilst on the trip. I find myself looking at trees in which would be suitable to hang myself from; times in which I could drown myself without arousing suspicion even looking in the family medicine cabinet for drugs in which I could take without being noticed (my mother whom is disabled is prescribed extremaly potent medications to manage her chronic pain).

I wish I had the strength to talk to a doctor or proffesional but I feel as if my parents would not understand my depression as my younger sister is currently being treated for it. I know that I put on a mask upon awakening and only remove it when it's weight is too much to bear.

I'm so tired of crying on my own.

I apologise if this is incoheriant; I am writing in a flurry of tears upon less than 2hours sleep and I am supposed to be meeting with friends in a matter of hours; where once again I will have to adorn myself in falsified joy and happiness.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you yourself are doing alright.

King regards, Jess xx

HI Jess,


Glad you have come on here to talk about it, it will help. if you read your post you have already reached out to some one inside your self, and told a friend in a diluted way, first take your self off to a DR and show them your post let them read it, just wait for the help if you can. small steps you will do great.

LR

[Got]

Hi Jess,

I am concerned with the frank manner you describe suicide. I know from what you have written, and the way that you have written it, that you are not making it up. I have been there and have had the same thoughts. The thoughts are symtpoms of major depression.

I am worried about you, and think you should go to see your doctor ASAP. The very real truth is, depression makes you see the worst in everything, it is rarely an accurate perception of reality. You are young, and suicide will prevent you from acheiving nice things, and your friends and family would be devestated.

You should not feel guilty for feeling suicidal, as it is not your fault, but you should seek help as your life is worth saving. Even tell your parents if you have to.

Love Steve X

[Jess]

Thank you all for responding; it means a lot to me. I wish I could talk to my parents about my depression but I do not have the strength to do so especially as they are very concerned with my younger sister whom has recently started counselling. I know that suicide will not remedy my emotions but merely remove any chance of achiving anything. Everyday I come up with another reason to postpone suicide whether it be an upcoming event in which I do not wish to damage or simply the worry of causing lifelong upset and distress to friends and family. I have tried talking to my doctor but I always lose the courage when the time comes.

I thank you all for reading and responding; I hope you are all doing well.

Love, Jess xx

[lost rolex]

Thank you all for responding; it means a lot to me. I wish I could talk to my parents about my depression but I do not have the strength to do so especially as they are very concerned with my younger sister whom has recently started counselling. I know that suicide will not remedy my emotions but merely remove any chance of achiving anything. Everyday I come up with another reason to postpone suicide whether it be an upcoming event in which I do not wish to damage or simply the worry of causing lifelong upset and distress to friends and family. I have tried talking to my doctor but I always lose the courage when the time comes.

I thank you all for reading and responding; I hope you are all doing well.

Love, Jess xx

Jess in that case follow my advice and print off what you have posted in your OP and let a DR you trust read it. Your courage and strength  is there for all to see, be stronge and go for it.

LR

[Glen53]

Agreed. Write it down and give it in to the doctor. You could put it in an envelope with the drs name on it and hand it to the receptionist - you need not actually see him if you cant face it. Simply leave a number he can contact you on and he should do the rest.

Good luck and all the best Jess.