Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Got on October 19, 2011, 11:03:29 PM
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Hello.
I have been through a terrible time recently and now I want to get better. I came out of a relationship two years ago, and since then I have been very unhappy. I wasn't properly happy before the relationship breakup, but that was because of work problems. I was very sick in hospital one year ago with a virus. It tool me a while to get over it but I started to get my strength back and started to feel a bit happier, and I started a new relationship.
Things went badly wrong with my carreer through no fault of my own, and one of my best freinds died. I became more and more stressed and stopped sleeping. I began drinking whiskey to help me sleep, and for some reason I just kept on drinking. I was so completly drunk that i threw my girlfriend over, and now I have lost her. She had become my best friend and I love her very much, I would never dream of hurting her in a million years, and I do not know why I did it..I had lost control. I feel very guilty at how I have hurt her. Now I am very unhappy and depressed. I became suicidal, although fortunatly that has passed.
I am devestated I have lost my relationship and I feel depressed everyday. I know psycologically I need to look to the furture, but I am struggling to see that I can ever be happy. I really do feel as if I have lost everything, but I will try to fight this every single day, until I can one day feel positive again and the pain dissapears.
Steve X
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I should also add, I have been suffering from anxiety and OCD as well, and I have been in a very horrible mental state for a few months now....but I hope to get better.
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Stevie you must read what you have written.
You will see just how strong you are by already saying you will beat this.
Try and stop the whisky it aint no good trust me.....its my weakness and the liver needs rest.
to the doc and tell him and ask for a full set of blood tests to make sure the scotch hasnt caused too much damage and you can start on some meds to get sorted asap.
Get
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Thank you. I don't drink at all anymore. I am on 45 mg of mirtazapine. I am very upset that I have become so ill that I have lost someone who I loved...for me this is a very big loss and it causes me much pain. I feel very bad how I have let her down.
I know I can get through this with a lot of hard work, but I am now worried when I will collapse again, as I have had repeated collapses of this kind, and each time the depression gets deeper. I know that I cannot go through life like this, I just want to be able to acheive the things I work towards, and not to keep loosing them as a result of mental illness.
Hopefully this time I will get things right. I hope that I can use this to make me stronger in the long run, and I hope that I can help other people when life gets too much...
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Hi Stevie
You've been through a huge amount of upset and stress and I'm not surprised you are ill. Its great your girlfriend is still your friend and I can understand how guilty you must feel but she must care for you a lot to still be your friend and almost certainly doesnt blame you for what has happened.
Its very common to have relapses from time to time, I can only tell you that this time counselling has helped me immensely to understand what causes the depressive episodes, I wonder if you have considered counselling, its often advised in conjunction with medication - the other thing I would say to you is that rest is very important, and I also know how guilty we feel not being able to do things that we feel we ought to.
Your attitude to this horrible illness is fantastic, determination to beat it is a great asset and I know you'll get a huge amount of help from everyone here :)
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Thank you,
Unfortunatly she is not my friend, but I am hers. She hates me now, and has told me I am a horrible person, and that she never wants to see me again. I completly understand this response, as she is very angry with me. I hope with time she can understand I have been ill, but at the moment she isn't interested. I feel this is the major obstacle for me towards overcoming the depression. I am someone who cannot bear to upset people or fall out with my friends.
I wake up every night getting upset about this, and I have a feeling that I am going to be doing so for a long time. Because Iam a big strong bloke on the outside, people don't realise that I am suffering on the inside.
I will just have to try my best to keep what I have left of my life on track, and hopefully with time I will get better.
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I'm sorry I misunderstood what you said about still being friends :( hopefully she will realise that your illness was the cause of everything going wrong.
You are naturally grieving your loss, and guilt is often part of grieving. Its not your fault you're ill, do you think you would feel so guilty if you had a heart condition or diabetes?
Putting a big brave face on is very common for all of us that suffer from depression and its often why we get depressed. Everyone here will understand and help without any judgement, we have all been there or are still there and have the tee shirt to prove it.....
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I didn't forgive myself at first, but I do now. It upsets me that I know she likes the person who I am, but she thinks I am someone else. I will just have to give her time, and hopefully we can be friends one day.
In the mean time, I am eating healthily, going to the gym, and I am joining meditation classes. I want this to be the last time I go through a dangerously low depressive patch....but I am worried that this may be impossible.
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Welcome Stevie
You have had a lot of difficulties. It sounds like you are doing the right things, it will take time but you will get through this I'm sure
Take Care
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Stevie you have been through an awful lot and for a very long time. Not only are you suffering with the tortures of depression and OCD, but you are also coming to terms with the loss of your career, the death of a friend, the loss of your girlfriend and guilt. This is overload.
It is very important that you tell you GP how you feel. All the stresses of your life may have contributed to a chemical imbalance which may need correction with medication. I hope you will also consider counselling, which may help you to come to terms with the actions you have made due to the consequences of these stresses.
We will all support you as much as we can. Well done for these first posts.
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I didn't forgive myself at first, but I do now. It upsets me that I know she likes the person who I am, but she thinks I am someone else. I will just have to give her time, and hopefully we can be friends one day.
In the mean time, I am eating healthily, going to the gym, and I am joining meditation classes. I want this to be the last time I go through a dangerously low depressive patch....but I am worried that this may be impossible.
Its great you have the strength to fight the depression, try also to allow yourself to just rest from time to time as thats important too. I have found that gaining an understanding how the illness affects us physically and with tne aid of counselling working out what triggers my episodes has been a great help this time and am sure it will help me fight off further episodes before I manage to slide down to the bottom of the big black hole of depression in the future.
I hope you can become friends again, perhaps if she comes to realise its an illness things will improve in the way she feels
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Thank you for the kind words of support. It does genuinly help knowing that some people understand.
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I think the only people that can really understand how it feels to be depressed are those that have suffered themselves.
I found his place a lifeline a few months ago and I know everyone's help and support have helped me enormously :)
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I agree totally. Although my wife is a diamond i'm not sure she fully understands things but thats maybe my fault because I hide so much in a bid to be strong for her and the family. I even suspect that the way I am or have been has placed so much pressure on her that I now see her showing signs of depression and this in turn makes me want to try and help her.
Basically what I'm saying is that this place (which she doesnt know I use for varying reasons) is a lifeline at times as its the only place where I can open up. Yes a diary is good but this place offers answers and support and really helps.
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I realise that it must be hard for partners of people with depression. The highs and lows must be hard to cope with, my up and down moods must have an effect on my husband. I feel quite guilty for that. I just don't seem to be able to cope with things very well. Wish I could just go through life like some people who seem to sail through problems easily. I wish I knew the answer. My mind goes over and over things and I can't stop it, or I can feel anxious for no reason. It must be part of me, I don't think I will ever change. I think it is part of my 'make up'. Now my husband has found out about this site and seen my posts as he registered I can't really say too much in case it is upsetting for him, but I do need the release on here and maybe however small help someone else.
Take Care,sorry this post is quite miserable and I am having a good day !!! Ha Ha
I like the fact that however we feel we still tell jokes on here. Cornish, thanks for your jokes, also Zaf and Lol and loads of others-THANKS !£?
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Is your mind churning over things that have happened or things that might happen in the future Depina?
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Both I'm afraid, I still get upset about things in the past, like losing my mum and dad a few years ago. they had had a good life, but I miss them so much, even my grandchildren, I miss them too, and my sons, I see one 2 or 3 times a year and the other every 2 or 3 months, as we do not live near. It is silly but I can't help it. Doesn't seem much but I am over sensitive. Also the future, our financial situation is bad, my husband won't like this when he sees it either ! another worry as I need to open up about it really. My Mum used to say there is no point in worrying about something you can't do anything about. but I still do.
Anyway thanks for asking
Hope you are feeling better today.
&*(
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Its very natural to feel upset about losing people you love Depina and to miss both them and your sons and grandchildren, I certainly dont think its silly but if its affecting your health its worth trying to find a way of coping with it in a better way. I think to start with you could try working out in your mind what you miss most about each of them and why (I hope that makes sense?) then when you've worked that out it may be possible to find ways of coping better with your feelings.
Your mum was so right, but its easier said than done! I used to spend hours worrying about things that might happen (or might not happen) only to find that something else had happened and all the scenarios I played out in my head and worried about were totally irrelevent. Now every time I get the 'what ifs' I tell myself firmly that there is no point thinking about things in the future - sometimes I have to tell myself the same thing several times a minute but if you truly believe that the future will happen whether you worry about it or not it is possible to reduce the amount you worry about he future.
I'm not sure if his too garbled to follw, I do hope not!
xxx
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Thanks Zaf
Sounds sensible to me - I will try that ;D
XX
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Depina, a lot is weighing on your mind. I hope your husband can understand that you need to get it out. that you need the release. One of the great things about a forum is the annonymity it provides. If he is worried about airing your dirty laundery in public then he need not because we don't know who you are!!
Does your husband have people he can talk to? Maybe you could both sit down with a cup of tea and post together? It sounds difficult for both of you.
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Stevie,
Halve the battle is actually admitting that you are depressed and you've admitted that. Now you can move forward to deal with depression. It's not easy as I know myself as I was finally diagnosed with severe depression in 2005 aged 43 years old. I have suffered with it most of my life but for many years I was accused of being moody and attention seeking by my family so I withdrew into myself. Subsequently I became a self harmer and suicidal which did result in me being hospitalised on one occasion. Self harming was the only I could let emotional pain out. Now if my mood gets that low I will see my GP who is very good at talking with me.
Pip
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Thank you,
but be honest I hate it. Every day I have to wake up and fight it, and it doesnt seem to get any easier. Even when my life is going well, I don't feel good, but when it goes wrong, it takes me to all new lows. It doesnt seem to matter what people say to me to challenge my thinking, even though I know they are right, even though I know if I can think possitive good things will happen and life will et easier, I just cant seem to do it.
XX
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That is the problem with depression. You can not just think yourself out of it. It is ultimately a game of patience, whilst at the same time learning to understand yourself and how it manisfests. It is very difficult and is such a struggle. Do consider going to your GP and letting him/her know how you are feeling and what seems to be happening. There is help. You will feel better.
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lol is right Stevie, and sometimes the more you struggle the lower you become :(
You do need to go and tell your GP xx
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I went to my GP three months ago. They refered me to a psychiatrist as my depression is persistant. Before the referal I have had numerous GP visits. After a two month wait I got the refered appoitment, only to find out it was not a psychiatrist, but a councilor. She said my depression was too persistant for her to be of anyhelp, and then she made me a referal to the hospital for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was told I would be given an assessment via the post and then they would arrange an appointment. However, I got a phone call, and they said the next available appointment is in two months. Thats a five month wait since I asked for the orriginal referal, and by the time this appointment arrives, there is a good chance that I will not be in the country.
I am on 45 mg of mirtzapine which helps, but I still become deeply depressed and I would really like some expert advice, but it is difficult to get. I don't have faith that when I eventually attend an appointment that it will be who it is supposed to be...because the above is a simpified story of what has happened, and I have been passes backwards and forwards repeatedly with each group of people denying that they can help.
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It appalls me how the NHS treats people with depression when it comes to referrals >:D you do need to go back to your GP to tell him how things currently are and if possible voice your concerns how you have been treated and the long wait, its possible he doesnt realise and could help to speed thingsup
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I've been back. They have told me I need to wait. I don't beleive that the doctors can help me anyway, they have given me tablets but I'm still very depressed, and getting an appointment is proving close to impossible. They can't change my situtation even if they do try.
I have to do hold on and put up with this horrible depression until one day it goes away. I am already resigned to the fact that I am going to be very unhappy and quite ill for sometime yet, because my life has gone badly wrong, and the efforts I have put in to getting my life on track have ended in ruin. I would like to be happy again one day, but I am 28 years old and I have proven to myself that I cannot get the things I've wanted. During times of tempoary strength I have tried to lead a happy successful life but I have failed, and women who have loved me have now rejected me, so that proves to me that I have no aptitude for a decent life because I let people down and have made mistakes that are unforgivable. The best predictor for future behaviour is past behaviour, and I have no faith in my own abilities to live a normal happy life. Even if I get better I will ruin what I have worked for like I have so many times before.
I am not looking for attention here at all, its just a description of how my mind is at the moment. I can see all the errors in what I have just said, and I know what I would say to someone if they told me the same, but unfortunatly, in my current state of mind it is a firm belief. I am tired of fighting it and trying to force myself to think possitively, the effort is making me feel physically ill.
There is no quick fix to this, I will have to keep working and keep being strong, and hopefully at somepoint I will see sense. I am acutely aware of how this negative thinking isn't helpful, but it is the way I am.
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We all make mistakes Stevie, its part of life :( we need to treat the mistakes as an opportunity to learn and to chanGe the way we go forward. Being depressed takes our confidence away and somehow makes us lose faith in ourselves, once you get all the medical help you need and deserve I hope you will begin to see there is light at he end of the tunnel xx
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Thanks Lol for your help,it really makes sense
Love Di XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX