Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: FootieFan87 on October 13, 2011, 01:52:10 PM
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I'm sending this from the toilets at work during my lunch hour and feel like I'm cracking up. I've been mildly depressed for years and and two years ago it took a turn for the worse. However I got through it. I had a new relationship with a girl I love, was being sociable and had a new job where I got along with everyone on my team but in the last week all my progress has crumbled out of nowhere.
The root cause of my depression is guilt for some of my actions when I was younger. I was a very lonely kid who spent most time on the Internet and listening to music. As most kids of around 14 with a PC in my bedroom I was very into porn. Various forms but on the whole nothing too un-vanilla. I used to use a service called win mx or something to download music/films etc. I was about 16 at the time (I'm now 27). Now anyone who used these services knows that they used to throw up alot of weird and illegal porn. Now at the time I was just ignoring these and downloading normal vids however one time curiosity got the better of me and I started downloading a video titled 'dad sleeps with 14 year old daughter' or something. I didn't think it would really be that but I clicked anyway. I then previewed it when it dl'ed a little bit. It was just normal porn with a clearly of age woman. I deleted it and had a moment of clarity like 'what the f***, that could of been real'. I then forgot about this for YEARS and never tried to dl anything again. Eventually I remembered about 2 years ago and with my moral code fully formed and the memory has put me through guilt hell. This combined with another memory of when I was 10 years old I once exposed my self to my younger sister and put 'it' near her. I didn't even know what or how sex occurred at this age so put it down to childhood curiosity but the two have been chipping away and my self esteem ever since. Now I mist stress that since these instances I have had a normal healthy sex life since my teenage years and find these actions thoroughly repugnant and abhorrent to me now.
However, my mum knows about the younger sis one and scolded me and told me it wasn't appropriate and never mentioned it again. She has no idea that I have depression or about the other incident. My girlfriend knows nothing about the depression or events. The guilt has now brought me to the point that I'm thinking of confessing all and I'm so terrified of losing my girlfriend who I love more than life itself and my family who I love dearly. If they rejected me or my girlfriend left me I seriously don't think the result would be pleasant. I think I could cross into suicide territory. She's such a sweet, loving person who is deeply in love with me but all I can think is if I loved her I would just leave her and let her have the best years of her life with someone who isn't a f*** up. She's 21 but I can't let her go. She's my angel and my reason for living.
I have never had my depression treated.
I'm now sitting at my desk holding back the tears and my coworkers are asking me if I feel alright and I just want to hide and cry so I'm here hiding and crying.
Please be gentle
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Spursfan84 you are dealing with a lot of very difficult emotions which have grown to a magnitude you can no longer cope with. From your post it appears that you have experienced normal curiosity and have since had a normal regret about these actions in retrospect. We have all done things in our childhoods that we wouldn't be proud of now! You are saying that to you now the emotions you feel when looking back at these instances are more than the regret of adult hindsight and have started to harm the way you view yourself now as the adult you have become. I think it might be very beneficial for you to seek the help of a counsellor, who wont juge you on this (this is a common thing don't worry), and help you to come to terms with this in the safety of the sessions instead of unburdening yourself to your girlfriend in a way that might not come accross very well at the moment.
Don't be afraid to talk about this in safety and confidence to a professional who will be able to help you to realise why what could be a very normal period of exploration for a child is now weighing heavily on your mind. You will find a way to deal with this without the need to take any unecessary drastic action with important aspects of your life now.
It would also be a good idea to go to your GP. Even if you can't tell your GP what you have said here, you might start by explaining that something is weighing heavily on your mind and it has started affect the way you feel and function every day (if this is so). You may have a chemical imbalance which is distorting your perspective on this situation and help is readily available for this. Your GP may also be able to recommend a suitable counsellor.
Good Luck Lol
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Thanks for taking the time to get in touch Lol. I am very grateful but can't help but think you're being a tad nonchalant about it? Surely girls you would wanna know this aspect of your partners past? I don't think of it as burdening her. More like loving someone so much that I would let her go and live in utter misery if I knew she would be better off without me. Unfortunately I don't think I could ever straddle my parents with the guilt that they someone were responsible as they have loved and raised me well. They have been faultless other than not being aware of how much evil there is in the world to allow a young man free reign on a PC
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Hi spursfan, firstly I would urge you to go to your doctor as lol suggests, get on some medication and ask for counselling.
I think you need to gain a better perspective of those past events, possibly with the help of counselling, before you tell your girlfriend. I'm sure most of us have done things in our youth that we wish we hadnt done or are ashamed of but I think perhaps you may be dwelling on them too much which has contributed to your depression.
lol's advice is very sound imo, I would implore you not to do anything hasty until you have sought medical help
xx
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Is it something a girlfriend needs to know? Am I deceiving her by not telling her. Im not sure at 21 year old girl who's a tiny bit naive to the world could understand boys and their hormones and will basically just see me as one of the blokes you read about in tue papers and maybe she'd be right too? I mean 16/17 year olds get prison sentences for dl'ing this type of material, no? Why is that if it's such a common event? I don't want to come across like I'm arguing with you all. Just want to counterbalance the argument and want your real opinions. Not tip-toeing round cuz you think I might top myself but just getting this out there has let blow off some steam today so I could grit my teeth through the hardest day in a few years. Like an emotional hangover!
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There is no need to tell her if you dont think its appropriate, from my point of view showing yourself to your sister was simply a child's prank when not knowing what you were doing and investigating porn normal teenage behaviour, your disgust at your actions say to me you have strong morals and realised your mistake, I certainly wouldnt condemn you for one mistake,
However as these incidents are preying on your mind at some time you may feel you want to tell her, I would urge you to get your depression treated and talk to someone about your feelings before you decide whether or not to tell her.
No one tip toes around in here, say what you want and need and you will get nothing but help and support in my experience.
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Thanks zaf :)
If it was of age porn I would agree with you but what I tried to access had a moderate chance of not being that. I just feel like if I am getting the kind of responses I wanted to hear here but feeling like if I dropped this on your average bloke in the pub then they would wanna castrate me if you know what I mean. So you're saying you could accept this of your boyfriend? I truly believe if she heard them and said she forgave me and still loved me that the shackles would be off and there would be no stopping me but I feel like there's 0 chance of this reaction. I think with age she could understand but is it fair to be with her another 2-3 years. What if she then turns round and says she wants nothing to do with me and I shatter the perfect world she lives in. I couldn't do it to her. Should I tell my mum, she loves me unconditionally and I know would bear it but I can't take the idea of going from her little boy to her private shame?
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I'm easily old enough to be your mum Spursfan and if a son of mine confessed to having downloaded what you described out of curiosity and expressed the deep regret you are obviouly feeling my reaction would be that I accept a mistake was made and your remorse has more than made up for that error in judgement. It is, I suppose, possible that someone that has a very strong faith in a religion might take a very different reaction, this is simply my view.
I really do feel very strongly you need to get some counselling on his subject, if you can afford it its possible to go private if he NHS wont sort one for you in a reasonable time, just make sure they have the appropriate qualifications. You do also need to go to your GP to get your depression sorted, very often depression can make a lot of difference how you see things.
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Hi and Welcome Spursfan
Lol and Zaf have expressed it wonderfly - ( I couldn't ) but I do agree with them.
I think your experiences happen a lot and a part of growing up, I know you wouldn't have chosen that path when you were older but teenagers are very inquisitive. There are things I wouldn't tell people that I did when I was young, I am not proud of it but I don't think you should punish yourself so much. I wouldn't tell your girlfriend but that is just my opinion. I don't know enough of your situation, but what is past is past and I don't think it would solve anything to tell her. Sounds like you have a lovely family. Concentrate on that and not what you did years ago when you were young and left at home on your own.
Your depression can be treated and it would help you to explain how you feel to your doctor, you don't have to go into details if you don't want to..
Take Care
XXXXXXX
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Spursfan84 this has been eating you up with no escape for such a long time now that you've blown it right out the water mate. Here's the jig - 1 risquely titled porno does not a pedophile make. If you were getting off to actual underaged porn now in this adult phase of your life you would be looking at some really serious faces. You were giving it some welly with some 'appropriate' porn from a site that was dolling you out appropriate porn - if you could go back to the exact moment when curiosity got the better of you you would probably find yourself thinking 'no, it couldn't be...could it?...no....surely not...'. and having an internal dare to see if this site actually WOULD do that. This my friend is human curiosity. I very much doubt (and if you want to correct me we can talk about this too) that you actually wished to see a 14 year old. Even if you did, you were 16 at the time and probably fancied a couple of 14 year olds at your school anyway. It's a very different thing.
I once, when I was much much younger, had 2.5 pints of beer on an empty belly and drove home. I was drunk. I made it home fine and nothing happened but when I think back about what could have happened I wince and want to turn myself inside out. I wouldn't do it now, it was a mistake of youth. But does it mean that I should go down the local cop shop and turn myself in?
What triggered the memory of this download incident 2 years ago?
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Spursfan84 this has been eating you up with no escape for such a long time now that you've blown it right out the water mate. Here's the jig - 1 risquely titled porno does not a pedophile make. If you were getting off to actual underaged porn now in this adult phase of your life you would be looking at some really serious faces. You were giving it some welly with some 'appropriate' porn from a site that was dolling you out appropriate porn - if you could go back to the exact moment when curiosity got the better of you you would probably find yourself thinking 'no, it couldn't be...could it?...no....surely not...'. and having an internal dare to see if this site actually WOULD do that. This my friend is human curiosity. I very much doubt (and if you want to correct me we can talk about this too) that you actually wished to see a 14 year old. Even if you did, you were 16 at the time and probably fancied a couple of 14 year olds at your school anyway. It's a very different thing.
I once, when I was much much younger, had 2.5 pints of beer on an empty belly and drove home. I was drunk. I made it home fine and nothing happened but when I think back about what could have happened I wince and want to turn myself inside out. I wouldn't do it now, it was a mistake of youth. But does it mean that I should go down the local cop shop and turn myself in?
What triggered the memory of this download incident 2 years ago?
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Hi - thanks for your comments on my post. I have read yours and everybody else's replies - and honestly I agree with everything that has been said so far. I've worked with children/adolescents all my working life - what you have described seems like normal curiosity/inquisitiveness - children/young people are going to push boundaries, experiment, be tempted to try things more rational brains may reject. You did not ask the material to be put on your laptop - and it was understandable you should investigate. I agree with the others who have said it seems more relevant to find out why it is affecting you so much now. I would not suggest talking to your girlfriend about it yet - get yourself in a more settled place. If you were my son, I would accept it was something you did as you were growing up, and it is well past the time you should put it behind you. You are not that youth now - why are you still torturing yourself? I suspect you have serious feelings towards your girlfriend - but don't burden her with this until you get things in perspective. We can't change the past - she definitely can't change the adolescent you, so please don't confuse her. I would definitely agree you should talk to your GP. I have had a lot of support from counselling - though the best counsellors I've come across were psychotherapists I either accessed through a support service for Council employees or privately. Good luck with it all - and stop being so hard on yourself! Looking forward to hearing you've taken steps to sort out the depression... ;D
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Hi and welcome :) I competley agree with Lol and Zaf... We all have moments of curiosity and we all do things that we regret later on. I think Lol is right in saying that a chemical imbalance may be affecting your perspective on this situation - and that you have overthought it so much that it has escalted into becomming something that is actually much bigger than it is. I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 years, he's 27, I'm 26 - if one day he confessed to me that he had done what you had... I certainly wouldn't think any less of him! Look at this in a rational light... 1) You were ignoring the ones that looked dodgy and were watching normal porn 2) You were curious, young and in the 'heat of the moment' that curiosity got the better of you 3) You previewed it - If it was actually what the title said, then I doubt very much going from your posts that you would have actually watched it - as it was, it was fine! You do not get turned on by this sort of thing, you weren't set on looking for that sort of material and you have beaten youself up for so long over one simple, single mistake that its obvious to anyone reading that you are quite rightly replused by this sort of material.
I definetly think you should go to your GP and try and get some treatment for depression sorted out - its up to you whether you tell your girlfriend or not, only you can really judge that, we'll all be here for support and a friendly ear if you need it :) Nay x
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Well you've all made me feel alot better and almost human again.
In response to the question which triggered my first depressed period, I was reading about the inspiration of the film precious and it discussing how her brothers abuse had affected her life and this just pulled out my conscious and brought repressed memories with it. I think the video came from the days when you couldn't get porn for free and had to resort to text sites and the content is horrible and incest very common. What I expected was your average older man/teen video and I guess was morbidly curious if it would be real but yes had it been I couldn't have watched it. I was very much into glossy well produced videos where both parties are enjoying themselves and this wouldve turned my stomach.
If any of you are parents here, please heed my words keep your pc in the family room with a filter until your cherubs are out of their super horny teen stage although with phones nowadays it must be very hard. I was very glad that the gov't recently announced they are blocking adult material unless it is requested. Very happy with that.
I think I will tell my girlfriend but when we are at a more serious stage in our relationship. As for therapy, I'm going to stick around this site and try and talk thru things with you guys.
Knackered now from this emotional rollercoaster. Bedtime! ;D
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Hi and welcome :)
Zaf is right to be honest, i think seeing your doctor and trying some medication to start with would be best
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Hi guys, just checking in. I had an ok weekend. I watched my local football team in league 2 on Saturday who were rubbish! Then went to the cinema with my girlfriends family. Very little depressive thought however I'm not sure if this is just cause I've kept busy (partly out of fear). I can still feel the thoughts lurking in my psyche. Sometimes I wonder if depression is like drug addiction. You expect relapses but just try and make them as short as possible and they become more infrequent? Hope you all had good weekends xxx
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Keeping busy is sometimes the way to go but beware of getting overtired as that can sometimes bring you down with a bump.
Each episode of depression I learn more about it and how to cope better and get over it quicker, Ive had a fantastic counsellor this time who has helped me change the way I think about things a lot which has helped tremendously so hopefully I'll manage to steer clear of another mini breakdown even if I do get periods of being down.
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Hi, are any of you guys still around??
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I am now :)
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Still here. How are things with you?
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Not great. I had a really good couple of months really. I had a great time at christmas buying presents for my family and friends and I went to winter wonderland which was great. In fact, I started the year quite optimistic. This kind of fell apart a couple of weeks ago. I went out with a group of single friends to London and due to my depression have a habit of drinking too much. I drunk to the point where I was unsure of where I even was. I thought I was in my home town and have a rough memory of kissing another woman other than my gf (I consider this cheating). A regular life event I know but it put me back to square 1 emotionally. I felt like I'm already keeping her with me by living a lie and now I can't even treat her with respect. It's so stupid anyway because I don't even want to cheat on my gf ever but my depression means I get black out drunk but then this adds to my shame and the circle continues.
Anyway I was a state and in my desperation I went to buy some st johns wart in a hope it would calm me down. I think it might have helped a little. I'm still in turmoil but still have a calmness. I went 'comatose' at work for about a week and my manager invited me in to a meeting to see if he could 'do anything'. I said no but I'm very happy that I managed to keep going and didn't even have a half day sick.
I guess I've got something else to add to the world on my shoulders!
How are you guys. Keeping on top of things?? Xxxxx
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I was doing pretty well til a flu type bug hit me and have gone downhill a bit but otherwise things were on the up till then :)
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I have decided to mark on a calendar my darker days so I can keep track of how well I've done so in the grander scheme of things I can see I am making overall improvement even in the midst of the abyss. Maybe you could do this to so your blip will be graphically shown to be just that. Thankyou for being here zaf. Last time I came in desperation, this time I think I'll stay :) did anyone see that program on genetic engineering last night? Our suffering might end soon because we'll be able to shut off parts of our brains. Scary.
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Some of us keep a journal on the site - it helps us look back and see the improvements we make. Feel free to start one if you like.
Ive had a tough few months (all in my journal if you want a read) but I think Im coming through the worst.
It sounds like you have had a difficult few weeks, but you are taking steps to keep on top of things.
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I have decided to mark on a calendar my darker days so I can keep track of how well I've done so in the grander scheme of things I can see I am making overall improvement even in the midst of the abyss. Maybe you could do this to so your blip will be graphically shown to be just that. Thankyou for being here zaf. Last time I came in desperation, this time I think I'll stay :) did anyone see that program on genetic engineering last night? Our suffering might end soon because we'll be able to shut off parts of our brains. Scary.
its a good idea to keep a note of how you're feeling day to day, as Glen said a lot of us keep journals and I often actually score out of 10 each day how I'm feeling, I find it helps a lot
No I didnt but it does sound quite scary :o
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Whoa today got alot worse. One of the hardest I've had to endure. Had to use my breathing just to calm down. Felt near panic attack. I've never had one thank god and hope I never do. Should I be forcing myself to interact with ppl at work or is this just more masking and papering over the cracks? X
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Thats a difficult one, you need to interact enough to seem civil and not totally withdrawn but beyond that point I'd say do what you feel you can cope with
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The Interaction you can cope with will vary depending on the condition of your illness. When you are feeling a little low, you will feel more vunerable and will need to limit your exposure to others as much as is realistically possible. If you try to avoid people altogether it will affect day to day living especially your job. It also wont help prepare you for times in the future that you will have to interact. However, if you throw yourself into large groups when you are feeling low, you will only heighten the feelings you have and make yourself feel worse overall.
Basically, its a balance that you need to get used to. Medication can help if you are not already on it but It has a stigma to it taht you need to overcome. It can take the edge off and make things easier if the right dose and meds are prescribed and along with counciling, you can quickly learn where your limits are in these situations. When you start to feel threatened by an envirnonment you can make your excuses and leave as soon as circumstance allows.
I hope this helps.
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I think I'm going to give the sjw two weeks to take effect and if no difference think about seeing a counsellor. Is it really best to go through your gp or through a private company? I really want to see just one person. I don't feel like spilling my guts to all and sundry. Also I'm scared to go local in case my counsellor has some link to me?
Things to feel positive about today. I see my girlfriend on Saturday and just being with her and not having to sleep alone is a good thing. How comes I'm different to other couples on this site? I never reject her? I isolate myself but for her I can break the melancholy every time. She's becoming my reason for getting up in the morning and that's very scary. I feel like ive got from a cheeky chappy to a pathetic puppy that needs affection all the time and needs to be in constant contact with her. Another thing to feel positive about. I'm going to see the football on Sunday with my friends!
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Sometimes we latch on to those close to us because we are scared of being left alone with this illness. I would describe it as being left alone in the darkness with no light or sound - even if you are surrounded by people. Its a terribly lonely feeling.
If you enjoy her company then thats a good thing.
Counculing-wise you can go through GP or go private. I have done both and find the private one is better for me. It costs £40 for a an hour and helps me a lot. Confidentiality will protect you from anyone finding out unless they physically see you standing with the guy wearing a 'councilor badge' so dont worry in that respect.
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I went private this time, it has the advantage of being able to make appointments when you want and to go beyond the initial few appointments if you feel you need it, there is a governing body and you should look for certain letters after a counsellors name which I cant remember at the moment but if someone else doesnt come up with it I'll try to look up for you.
Counselling should be totally private and confidential.
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I have started my counselling through MIND ( which you can find in through Google or whichever you use). Its £35.00 a session I only had to wait just over a week, whereas through my gp on the nhs it would have been over a year. The counsellors are all fully registered. Just a thought you may consider. Also if you do decide to go to your gp for help and he decides he wants you to start medication you will need to tell him you are taking St Johns Wort. So they are aware.
Take care
S x
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I think if you're unwaged MIND will do it cheaper, I think someone said around £15 :)
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Yes Zaf thats right, it is £15 but even that can be wavered I think if you can't afford it.
S x
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Another BAD one today. Feel so much better when I'm home from work. One more day to grind it out then I can relax for a little bit. I can't seem to break the habit of googling everything regarding the issues such 'things I did in my past' 'i downloaded something bad when I was young' 'should I confess' etc ad infinitum and keep reading these horrible stories which certainly don't perk me up. I just wish they're was someone who had the same story as me but there isn't any. I want to just bury this and maybe tell my wife when we're both older/married but I don't know if this is morally right :( :( :( I should also mention that I do have a slight incest turn on(only in fantasy. In real life i find it sickening) as an adult but hate it about myself. I read erotica and roleplayed and stuff up until a few years ago but the incident I mentioned is the only one where i downloaded anything dodgy. I thought I best mention this as its pertinent. I really hope things look brighter tomorrow.
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Please talk this through with me. I'm not quite ready for therapy yet but would appreciate an ear xxx
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I really dont know much about these things but I sense you feel they are morally wrong so wouldnt actually act on them but its probably not healthy to keep googling them :(
Is work your trigger to feeling depressed do you think?
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Just to clarify. I'm not reading these google answers etc for an illicit thrill believe me. It just soothes me to hear that these are not unforgiveable things and that a partner could accept them. No problem, zaf thanks for listening. I understand you're not a trained professional so I will stop acting like you are. Today's got alot more promise than yesterday. I might try and start my day with the mantra... 'these things happened in the past when you were a curious child left to roam the Internet. You cannot change them. You are not sick or a danger to anyone. You can only live your life as it is now to try and be successful and build a good future for me and my girlfriend. By falling into a pit of desperation I'm purely risking losing her now instead of on my own terms years from now.'
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Have a good day out there everyone!!!!! Xxxxx
Especially you zaf. I hope you have some amazing breakthrough today which puts you more at peace. Just now there is someone willing it to happen :)
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Just to clarify. I'm not reading these google answers etc for an illicit thrill believe me. It just soothes me to hear that these are not unforgiveable things and that a partner could accept them. No problem, zaf thanks for listening. I understand you're not a trained professional so I will stop acting like you are. Today's got alot more promise than yesterday. I might try and start my day with the mantra... 'these things happened in the past when you were a curious child left to roam the Internet. You cannot change them. You are not sick or a danger to anyone. You can only live your life as it is now to try and be successful and build a good future for me and my girlfriend. By falling into a pit of desperation I'm purely risking losing her now instead of on my own terms years from now.'
thats a very positive attitude and I dont think things you did in your youth should bother you to be honest, these things seem natural to me, just curiosity.
I'm a touch better today thanks and looking forward to the weekend and hoping a bit more rest will get the horrid cold symptoms a lot better in those couple of days :)
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I think with all moral dilemas its a matter of time to see whether you are able to live with whatever is eating at you.
I think its clearly something that is destroying you from the inside and talking to someone would be a weight off. Im a firm believer in talking to my wife about pretty much everything, but I feel in your case things may be different. If you are trying to do the right thing in facing these daemons and move away from whatever dark action is in your past, it may be better to speak to a proffesional councilor first. Some of these things can shock people beyond what they are willing to accept and this may destroy aspects of your current life. My view is that you clearly regret whatever happened and you are trying to understand and move away from it. In this respect its not right or fair to risk both your future happiness at this stage.
It may help you to tell a stranger if you cant face a councillor. This act in itself may be enough for you to begin to move on from things. I would say that you need to move away from the google aspect of things though. Even if its an innocent action, its clearly one you link with the original 'sin' and this is keeping things very much in the present. I can offer to listen via PM on this forum if it will help you. I realise its a big leap, but you have my word that only I will read what you write and I will delete any such posts after I have done so. I will remain impartial and try to advise you as best I can.
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Hi mate. Thats really decent of you. I will take you up on that offer when I next have some available time. I think what makes this all worse is I have a good life but now I can't enjoy it as much. I have matured into what I feel is a kind, genuine person i think but since I remembered these things, I feel like a fraud. Speak later depression fam x
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No problems,
I will be out most of tomorrow but should be in by early evening. I will check on here then.
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Hi FootieFan, I saw a post of yours on one of the other threads on this website where you asked 'supportme' to read your introduction on the New Members bit because she is the same age as your girlfriend. I was curious because I am also 21 so I came to have a look.
I would like to say with all honesty that if a boyfriend of mine had 'admitted' to this, then I really would not be that bothered by it. And I'm not just saying that because if I really thought there was anything that weird about it I just wouldn't bother posting anything, I would read what you wrote and move on. I think the things that you did that seem so awful to you were probably just curiosity. I think lots of people probably look at these things and just wouldn't tell anyone and I don't think that makes you perverted or anything. So much stuff crops up on the internet all the time and even if you ignore it 99% of the time then curiosity will probably get the better of you now and again. And anything anyone does when they're 10 years old is probably pretty innocent, unless they have serious problems. In your case, I guess it was just you being a bit silly.
I'm not sure why you see what you did as so awful, is it the depression messing with your perception of yourself?
Hope you believe what I have said, you don't know me but I am a pretty honest person and don't really bother with bull&$%+ so please don't think I'm just saying what you want to hear.
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I've jsut been reading the latest posts here and will try to read it from the start today. It does help to 'talk' about things here though.