Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: overcastrainbow on October 02, 2011, 10:59:10 PM
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Hello
My names Rebecca. Iv suffered with Depression since i was 16, and im now 25.
My last real breakdown was in 2006 and lasted for three and a half years, I was in a very bad way. I was on citalpahram 60 mg, and had three real suicide attempts.
After a long battle, lots of meds, will power and CBT i thought id finally got rid of it for good.
A month and a half ago i realized this was not the case. Iv fallen, and i cant get back up again. Iv taken action by going to the doctors again which was difficult because i feel
like a failure. Im back on citalaphram on a low dose , been on it for a month and haven't noticed much difference so going back for a larger dose next week.
This time around im in a relationship, with someone who says they will be there for me, but when iv succumbed to the illness he cant handle it, gets and angry and wont speak to me
for days.
This as you can imagine fuels the negative voices and i fall even faster. I try to hide it but i simply cant all the time as i live with him. I suspect he may suffer from depression himself,
but he would never admit to it.
My depression is all inwards, i don't get angry, i just get very very sad.
The logical part of my brain recognizes all this and can understand it, but when i get the "Cloud" i retreat inside totally. My boyfriend moans that im miserable, and that im not allowed to
burden him with my emotions. But he claims hes there for me. I feel he wants to help but just cant.
Im frightened, as although im slowing the descent with my actions, im still descending. And knowing my self destructive behavior, i may well sabotage these efforts. And i cant afford to
now. I work part time in a stressful admin job and study full time at university.
I don't really know why im posting this, i suppose im asking for help. But theres nothing anyone else can do.
Apologies for my negativity, my boyfreind is currently sleeping in another room tonight to "get away from me" When iv tried my up most all day to be positive, i only moaned at him once
for not helping me with the housework. im feeling very vulnerable tonight. I don't cut but i do burn, So im sleeping on the couch with my trusty lighter next to me
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hey and welcome
i was dubious about asking for help on forums, but this place is a huge life saver for me, im sure you will find help, guidance and friendship like i have.
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I cant speak about it to most people, my family would worry, and my friends although they are helpful in there own way, don't truly understand. Plus i have a lot of hangups about being a burden to people.
I feel if i don't make this physical and let some people see im suffering, il just fade away........which frankly sounds like a good idea if i could figure out how to do it
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you can speak to us about it, we understand, i feel like a burden a lot of the time and im sure others here feel the same.
the physical thing, thats not something you really want to get into, now im not trying to give you any ideas or condone this but mine is shown physically though self harm, its really not a nice thing, if i had a choice of being able to go back and not do it then i would, yes people may notice it but you wont want them to, i used to feel extremly ashamed of it and when people see it they treat you very diffrently and not in a way that you want.
the only option i see for showing this illness with no bad effect might be one of those illness aware rubber bracelet thingeys or a medical bracelet, i was advised to wear one of those due to the other illness and the controlled medication im on (i dont due to a huge phobia of jewelery, i dont even own a watch ::) ), but i have a medical id card instead in my wallet, well i did till i lost it ::)
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Welcome
A lot of what you say is familiar to me re the cloud feeling.
Your partner I can understand because it is almost impossible to help each other when you are both depressed or stressed ( i know from my own experience) hard for you though - all the extra worry.
Maybe you need a higher dose, me just up from 30 to 40 Citalopram ( some days I 'm ok :) and others not "£"
It is v hard for others to understand - I don't really tell people about it. You can on here though :)
I get anxious and frightened too.
You did very well before so hoping this is just a glitch and you will be back on track soon. Wonderful that you are doing a job AND full time at uni.
Don't despair, the people on here are helpful,understanding and understand some of what you are going through.
Take Care
D XX
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Hows things Cornish, Night I'm off to bed now ( slept for 4 hours already today - Oh well)
DXX
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Hows things Cornish, Night I'm off to bed now ( slept for 4 hours already today - Oh well)
DXX
not too good at the moment :(
im still wide away and my new alarm clock (after destroying my old one, luckily i keep a spare :P ) is set for 5am and i havnet slept since well i dunno really ::)
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Hi Rebecca and welcome
My depression comes back from time to time too, its good you recognised the symptoms and went to your doctor, I am on citralopram too, my GP said I needed to start on a lower dose then increase it slowly as it can apparently make us nauseus if we go on the higher dose first.
You are not a failure, these days its recognised that on many occasions its very strong people that suffer from it ( it might be worth googling "depressive illness the curse of the strong" and you are taking on a lot with a stressful job, full time study and, presumably, doing a fair bit around your home.
This place is a lifeline for me, I can pour out my woes, share my better days and I know no one will judge me because they all understand how this horrible illness affects us. I hope you find it as helpful xx
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Thank you for all your kind words.
I do have a history of self harm, but for me it wasnt for the pain it was for the scar. i wanted to see each time i failed to hold myself together. I have so far avoided doing this, except once these past few months.
I do do alot, but i find if im not busy i fall apart. Unfortunately i push myself forward when i need to rest as well, And then fall apart anyway.
Im goign to the doctor on friday to get a higher dose.
This morning i feel terrible, i have to leave for work shortly. I slept for a few hours on the sofa last night and my boyfriend isn't speaking to me still. So im trying to stop the spiral this morning.
Knowing i have to organize
work is making me feel sick. So i better be off otherwise i wont go.
Thank you again for your kind words and il be on here later
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Rebecca, would it be possible for you to leave work or find a less stressful job? I know that would be stressful in itself but in the long run it might be better for you.
I'm not sure what to advise about your boyfriend but there are others that probably can help there
xx
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Hope you have a good day Rainbow
Spk later
D XX
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Hello Rebecca. All your symptoms and the way your other half is reacting to them are entirely normal. It is very important that you both understand how depression manifests and what it is capable of so that you can attribute (and particularly so that your partner can) your feelings and reactions to this very real illness which can help to minimise the frustration and confusion it causes. Please education yourself and ask your partner to read the same things you do so that you both understand as much as you can.
In here, we understand that already! So we're not going to judge you, we may not know exactly how you feel but we have all been through similar things and will help you where ever we can. Don't shy away from asking any questions you might want to because 9.9/10 we have asked the same questions ourselves!!!! You will be amazed how almost identical everyones feeling are, even if their circumstances are different.
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Hya , an update for the day - work sent me home after I received a text from my boyfriend telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me as the relationship is feeling as though its based on pity. I couldn't work so I wandered around aimlessly for a few hours until a friend picked me up. I'm at hers now, feel very low and drained, its the first time this time around, that iv felt it would be easier to step out in front of a car. I'm at my friends, trying to get the energy to leave. It's not the arguments with my boyfriend which has caused the depression this time. But its really not helping ... unfortunatly I have to work to afford university and not that many jobs are as flexible or pay as well as mine does.
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Sorry your day didn't go well Rebecca,
Hopefully when your tablets start working you will feel more able to cope.
Could you see your doctor earlier than Fri?
What subject are you doing at uni?
Look after yourself &*(
D XX
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Rebecca, if the feelings of not wanting to go on persist please either phone the samaritans, a good friend or even 999.
Sorry to hear about your boyfriend, some people simply dont seem to be able to cope with us when we get depressed :(
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I'm studying a joint honors of English literature and creative writing.
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Hi, That sounds great, you are strong coping with all that.
Sorry, tired and about to go to bed.Night XX Sleep well
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i dont feel strong anymore. I have had my meds doubled, and iv got an appointment with the CBT lady in two months time.
going to have to skip university today as im not doing well today. I think i need a few days of rest after the last few days. Im no longer getting nasty things said by my boyfriend but he still doesnt understand.
Going to sleep now as im just so exhausted.
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Hi Rebecca
Yes best to have a break and rest, prob takes time for your meds to take effect, also 2 months is a long time to wait isn't it re CBT ? They don't exactly rush with these things do they!! >:(
Sorry you are so exhausted, these things take it out of you. Don't rush things.Hope you feel stronger very soon.
XXX
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Thank you for your support. Iv taken another day off of everything to rest up. I feel better but listless. Need to tidy up as the house is a mess but i just cant face it, yet the mess is causing me stress.
Im meant to be going shopping today as we need a new laundry basket, but i dont think i can leave the house today. Want to hide from the world for awhile.
Boyfriend is now talking to me, after a talk. But it just boiled down to the fact that he needs to look after himself before hel support me and he cant do that when im so negative.... So of course things seems unlikely to be settled. This especially as i hide it from him, so the negativity i have shown is minimal to what im actually feeling. Hes now distant, and offish. Not sure what i can do really, which makes me feel illogically responsible.
But how things have been the last few days, im in better place today. Still tired but not as bad. Im making xmas gifts to keep me busy and focused, I dont usually have the patience for cross stitch but i seem to be doing ok with this one.
I hope everyone feels better soon xxxx ^&^
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you do definitely need to rest if you're tired but if the mess is causing you stress break each task down into tiny bits and have a reward in between, I do something then allow myself to watch tv for a bit and then do something else during the commercial break, or read a set amount of a book in between the work sessions, someone in here suggested chocolate as their reward!
Hopefully things will improve with your boyfriend but you definitely are not responsible, you are ill!
good to hear things are a bit better today :)
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Thank you Zaff. rewardign in between sounds like a good plan. Appetite is terrible so chocolate wont be the way forward, but i think il do some housework then do some more crafting and film watching in slots.
I know it sounds silly but my cats help, especially as they are so affectionate. I think i shall become a full time cat lady ^&^
Right washing and bed changing here i come.....this is said with great enthusiasm.......clearly...... ;)
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I cant take the credit for the idea, my GP recommended it when I had my first mega breakdown but it works for me and Ive used it for many years when I need to do something but dont have the energy or inclination.
My dogs help too :)
just a little at a time then rewards, dont overdo it and exhaust yourself :)
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Abother bad day, Spent a few hours walking around university untill it got dark, eventually went home . Finding it so hard to keep a normal face, boyfreind cant cope with it, feel terrible im failing holding together, makign him feel &$%+. I started cuttign again today.
All a bit &$%+.
Disasociating right now, so my hands arnt mine anymore, nor is my face.
I HATE being like this!!
HATE it.
Just want to crawl into a warm dark hole and stay there.
I dont want to keep sayign in fine when im not. Im tired, im exhausted and im just so f***ign sad.
The kind of sad that eats away at you untill all thatss inside is grief. I cant even cry today
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sorry you are having such a bad time,it is extremely tiring pretending you are fine, sometimes I can't manage it and I want to hide from everyone. Is there anyone you can talk to there at the university that isn't as close as your boyfriend if you know what i mean?
Sending you Hugs and thinking of you &*(
Wish so much that I knew more and could help.
Take care
XXXXXXXXX
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Thats ok, thankyou for your concern though.
I can talk but it dosnt help, just makes me even sadder.
iv never found councilling any good for me, CBT was better but iv got another 2 months to wait for that. Part of me really thinks i should leave my boyfreind, he makes me worse. He's quite selfish and only considers how he feels. And isnt supportive. He says being patient and being with me is his support. The being mean and leaving me to cry alone as im gettign him down and denying affection when i most need it , is just his reaction to my negativity (ie getting upset)
Sorry typing is all over the shop, strange typing with someoneelses hands.
But if i leave my boyfreind it will be another relationship undermined by my illness. Whol love me like this? a useless emotional lump who gets nervous about answerign the door sometimes. Who finds brushign their teeth such a f***ign effort .
I hate being so ineffectial!!
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Awww huge &*( to you my dear
I disassociate a bit and I actually enjoy it a tiny bit as I feel a like all the bad things aren't on me there on the me I'm watching, Hmm that really doesnt make sense to me now lol
I don't thing he should treat you like that but :(
As for who would want you well I'm sure many People would, your a beautiful intelligent and VERY talent young lady that deserves some one who accepts yo for who you are and is understanding of your illness
I can't even open the door to anyone or answer the house phone and the teeth brushing thing is the same for me, it's one of the last things I do before I leave work and it's he'll as I know the sadness, angry, fear and self hate are just going to get worse. Afew times I've even been so anxious that I couldn't stop brushing and was doing it for at least 20 mins and there was blood everywhere ooops
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It does make sense the relief, but im not in those stages yet, im fighting against it. When really i need to accept it. But due to my environment i cant afford to give in. So im just trying to hold it together, untill my body ceases to function. its already happening but im pushing on.
I know what im doign is unhealthy and i also know that how im feeling is not logical. But i cant stop how im feeling.
Thankyou though for your kind words. I hope you all get better xx i wouldnt wish this illness on my worst enemy xxx
Have a good day Cornish x
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Fighting symptoms never seems to help me in the long run, try not to burn your self out, I do it regularly and it's horrible.
I know how you feel, it like you know it's wrong but just go along with it anyway
No problem at all and I hope you have a good day too
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If you love your boyfriend have you told him in exact and simple englich what he can actually do that would support you? SOmetimes people think they're diong the right thing and when they find out they're not thay just can't think of what to do? Everybody's different, one person might need to be left alone whilst another comforted in a very specific way. Be as specific as you can and if he steps up to the mark then you know it's right to stay. I hope you find the support you need. You are going through a very difficult time and your feelings are very distressing. You articulate them very well (even with some one elses hands) and you can see that you are not alone with these harrowing feelings. You are exhausted with the pretence and I hope you find some relief in not having to pretend here.
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Hi Rebecca
I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling low and your boyfriend isn't helping the situation. I find that when I'm feeling catatonic and numb. I just use my energy to get up and hug my mother as hard as I can to connect with someone. She always says something like 'that was nice, what have I done to deserve that' and it lifts my mood. Have you got anyone who is your emotional bedrock? Sometimes when I struggle to have a face to face convo I leave a note or send a text where it the message doesn't get lost in the haze. It doesn't sound as if you're boyfriend is supportive enough. Leave it amicable and once you've picked us the pieces you never know. Thats if you truly love him.
All the best mate xxx
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Hi Rebecca and welcome, you have come to the right place!! the people here are incredibly supportive :) x
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Another terrible night and morning.First time this time around i lost control and cried so hard for hours. Im exhausted, i had to wake my boyfriend and ask him to hold me becasue i was in such an absolute state. i knew he wouldnt talk to me today becasue of it. True enough hes ignored me, and left without saying good bye. I just cant cope.
I have uni today and i have to go. But i look terrible and i don't want people to see me vulnerable like this.
I just wish i wouldnt get punished everytime i fall apart, it just makes the descent more rapid.
I know this may all sound just like a big moan about my boyfreind, but its not, i promise. Im conflicted and lost. And i just want to be found again
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awww thats terrible that he reacted that way :( but i can see why he did, i think he cant cope with it and he's just trying to hide from it
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I think cornish may be right, some people react that way with depression, and sometimes terminal illness
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Another terrible night and morning.First time this time around i lost control and cried so hard for hours. Im exhausted, i had to wake my boyfriend and ask him to hold me becasue i was in such an absolute state. i knew he wouldnt talk to me today becasue of it. True enough hes ignored me, and left without saying good bye. I just cant cope.
I have uni today and i have to go. But i look terrible and i don't want people to see me vulnerable like this.
I just wish i wouldnt get punished everytime i fall apart, it just makes the descent more rapid.
I know this may all sound just like a big moan about my boyfreind, but its not, i promise. Im conflicted and lost. And i just want to be found again
some people dont understand, im sorry he is acting this way.
i have had this exact same response from a couple of my ex partners, be strong and hang in there, dont let someone elses misunderstanding of what your going through dwell on your mind too much.
do you go to see a therapist?? maybe some gentle education will help your partner understand.... you should take him along to the doctors or therapist with you so he can see this is a medical illness and he could also get pointers to help you through this.
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Sorry for my late response.
I had to spend the weekend away due to the state i was in. I stayed at my parents who are very supportive. Also spent money i didn't have on shopping, so have lots of new clothes.
I stayed away as my partner on friday nigh informed me that hed black listed my number so i couldnt text him in the day. I just cant understand this as i dont send loads of emotional textx. I think he juat wants to ignore me.
Spoke to him yesterday just to say that i wasnt sure when id be home, possibly tonight. He seemed down, i felt bad. But i just dont know what he wants anymore.
The self harming has now become routine as once before, and the citalaphram is makign me feel rough as well. Feel like a faliure.
I am on the waiting list for therapy, i have a two month wait. Going back to the doctor to get some time off of work as im not coping. I would my partner along but he would never come. One becasue hes not interested in my illness and two becasue he would never take time off of work for me.
im at work now but i really dotn want to be. Had awful dreams last night of beign a little girl being murdered and then turning into a ghost. It was horrible. Its such a beautiful day and im so frustrated that i cant enjoy it, everythign looks grey and everything tastes like ash