Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Alstare1974 on August 19, 2011, 07:37:00 PM
-
Hi guys.
Been doing it pretty rough recently. Been suggesting from depression for last 8 years but only been diagnosed for 2. Before that I just dealt with life how I thought everyone did not realising that actually I was sick. It all started when I had to leave the forces and then my best friend was killed in action. For last 2 years I've been suffering with depression and anxiety and the fact I haven't dealt with stuff before.
3 months ago my marriage broke down and in turn I've lost my house and am living with my parents. I'm off work sick as I just can't concentrate or deal with people. I'm feel like I'm also on the verge of losing my job as I've already had a warning about my sick leave (due to depression).
Things have been pretty dark and am struggling to see a way forward. I hate night time because my brain won't turn off and I lie in bed thinking of everything that's gone wrong. In turn I end up sleeping in very late as I'm tired but I also can't find any real reason to get up. I've also started to think everyone would be better off without me, I have my method of suicide all planned out just can't bring myself to do it cos of my parents. (I'm 37 btw). I am pretty addicted to visiting suicide forums everyday which doesn't help but I can't shake my curiosities.
I don't know why I'm posting this or what I hope to achieve. I guess I just wanted to write something down.
I've been referred to my local mental health team but it seems to be taking forever to get seen by the referred therapies that I am waiting for. I'm on venlafaxine, flupenthixol and zopiclone. Feel like I should rattle when I walk. I also feel like I'm going out of my mind half the time.
Cheers for reading.
-
Hi Alstare and welcome,
I'm sure you realise most of are going to tell you to keep away from those suicide forums if you possibly can, although if you browse around the forum you'll see many of us have planned how and where, I certainly have but the thing that stops me is knowing how badly it will affect my friends and family (I lost a close work colleague from suicide and it affected me dreadfully).
It can be frustrating while the medics get things sorted out and I know how desperate I have felt when nothing seemed to be helping me.
Two things cross my mind, one is wondering if there are any support groups for ex service personnel and the other is to say that if you are dismissed for a genuine illness its possible to take your employer to court for unfair dismissal if you have worked there for over a certain length of time. I'm surprised your doctor hasnt signed you off sick, if not could you tell him/her how you feel and ask for a sick note? I know how difficult it is dealing with things like that, at my worst I shake and feel sick when I have to see the doc, thats if my panic attacks and agorophobia dont prevent me actually getting there.
Everyone here will help as much as they are able, talking about this horrible illness can also help a lot too
Zaf xx
-
Thanks
All my sickness has been covered by doctors certification but I'm still on an informal warning :-(
Can't be sacked but can be medically retired for ill health.
-
They have to go through more stages before they can sack you, and it can be classed as discrimination if they do because you are ill.
I'm not sure about being retired because of ill health but these days there are a lot of rules and regs about getting rid of an employee because they are ill, is there a union where you work that could advise you?
I only know a bit about tis because I've done a little HR work and I know the law is pretty heavily weighed on the side of the employee these days.
Insomnia and tiredness are classical signs of depression and its one of the things I find really hard to deal with, I try to nap whenever I feel the need and have a chance, I'm still working part time but when I'm not at work I try to catch up on my sleep, rest is very important for depressive people.
-
Went to a friends wedding on Saturday on my own and felt really really lonely. First thing I've done like that since I split with my wife. Ended up in tears at one point. Hardly knew anyone there but the bride ( my best friend) and her sister were really supportive.
Been suffering quite badly since. Ended up staying over which I hadn't planned but didn't take my sleeping pills with me so had a terrible night of insomnia. Yesterday was hell as I had a major crash in mood and was really tired with lack of sleep. Got really down and suicidal. Am still feeling rough today :-(.
Am really fed up of feeling like this, fed up of feeling like there's no point to life. If it wasnt for my folks I'd do it and I really really wish I could.
-
Alstare, your meds wont have started working properly yet so you need to give them a chance, but it might be worth going back to your doctor to tell him how you feel. Its not surprising you got very emotional at the wedding, its a big thing to go to even when you're well
If you do get to the point of suicide please call the samaritans or 999, but I hope the thoughts of your family will stop you getting that far.
Dont forget everyone here will help if they are able &*(
-
I've been on all my meds for a long time. Venlafaxine for 18 months, flupentixol and sleeping pills for 3 months this time. They just about make some days bareable. I'm waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist for a med review as GP feels he can't prescribe anything else. I usually talk to my mum when I'm feeling suicidal. Got my first appt with mind on wed, hopefully that'll be some help.
-
I hope both will help, its really awful feeling like that, do you have any idea how long you'll have to wait for the psychiatrist's appointment?
-
Months i think.
I have an appt with forces support group at end of sep and am waiting for appt with university's mood disorder centre.
-
thats a dreadfully long time to wait but at least you know you do have the one with the forces support group thats already sorted. I wonder if you go back to your GP and tell him how bad you feel he could speed up the appointment for you?
-
Unfortunately GP is kind of out of the loop as everything but forces stuff being dealt with by local mental health team and I've been dead honest about how bad I am. Just all seems to take a long time :-(
-
I think many of us have found the same :(
Hang in there, we'll give you all the support and help we can
-
I have wondered if I'd be better off in hospital but I don't really know what being sectioned is about and the idea does scare me quite a lot. Parents are doing good job of looking after me it's just the boredom that's killing me. Don't have tge enthusiasm to do anything but sleep. My dear old mum is getting some support herself now and has a careers support meeting with one of the mental health team tomorrow.
-
I'm not sure if you can go into hospital voluntarily if you feel the need but I'd guess the boredom in a ward would be worse than at home. Its a nightmare not having the energy to do anything but going mad with boredom at the same time, I've tried allsorts but at my worst I cant even manage to read a page let alone a chapter so I tend to watch TV but most of that is rubbish and nearly as bad as doing nothing :(
Its really good to hear that your mum is getting some support, so often carers get forgotten when there is illness in a family
-
Really feel for you Alstare, I am glad that you are getting good advice on this forum from people who know just how you are feeling. Lovely you have support from your family. Hang in there, thinking of you Hugs
-
Thanks Depina (and Zaf). I have to admit I'm really struggling. Really do wish I could just not exist.
-
Hang in there mate, it does get better eventually
-
Hi Alstare,
Please try not to think like that, your lovely mum/family would be devastated, you have been through so much maybe you need the sleep to help you recover from all the stress.I know we are all different but if I feel like a sleep in the afternoon I do. I used to feel guilty but not now. I think it can take a long time to get on the right tablets. So hang on in there. Thinking of you. XX
-
My folks are only thing that stop me doing it but I know it breaks my mums heart when she has me crying telling her I wish I was dead :-(
-
I agree with Depina, I used to feel so guilty thst I wanted to sleep most of the time but your body must need it or you wouldnt be so tired.
Just keep believing it wii improve, it does take time and sometimes it feels you'll never be better, but eventually you will.
-
Hi Alstare
Having 2 grown up sons myself It would break my heart. I would rather have the condition myself than seeing them go through it. I could not bear it. Keep going and as Zaf says - it will get better, give your body time, try and relax, keep talking, don't bottle things up,you will enjoy life again. Thinking of you. Don't be hard on yourself, don't feel useless etc. You are a special person. Hugs XX
-
Hey
So just been to the gym and had a good work out although my mood did crash afterwards for some reason. Thanks for all messages of support.
-
Great to hear you've been out to the gym, a sudden mood crash may because you overdid it a bit but its a major achievement getting there imo :)
-
Didn't get up until 1430 today though.
-
Alstare, crushing tiredness is very usual with depression and you need to listen to your body when it tells you to sleep or even curl up under the duvet and hibernate, I know how guilty I feel when I do, despite knowing its necessary to rest to get better, the tiredness and guilty feelings are, at least for me, one of the worst aspects of this illness :(
-
Thanks Zaf. I feel bit more reassured. I spend a lot of time hibernating in my bed. It feels safe in the day but scary at night.
-
Went to MIND today, they recommended some things I am going to try. This includes going to a night class in art or something similar and reflexology.
Still feeling a bit surreal. Don't know if I ever want to go back to my job, certainly can't see me working for a good few months. :-(.
-
That sound very positive Alstaire :)
In the past I had to have months off sick away from my job, I had to go back when my GP told me to and I dreaded it but I couldnt afford not to work or get sick pay, but he knew when the time was right and after a few wobbly days I was OK.
Take things a bit at a time if you can, worrying too much about the future isnt the best thing to do
-
I've also just got a date through for my psychiatrist appointment through for 12th September. Really hope he changes my drugs for something stronger (if there is such a thing).
-
If you are as honest as you can be about how you feel that will help him/her adjust your meds if necessary.
I was only thinking this morning how nice it would be if there was something available that when we took it there was an instant improvement, it always seems such a long time for the ADs to start to really work.
-
Just been crying my eyes out on my poor old mum for an hour. Feel so scared of the future and how messed up everything is. Everything feels so bleak and dark and when I'm like this o just feel the world would be much better with me not in it. That inevitably leads to her telling me that they couldn't cope if I did anything and it would kill them and then I feel like my emotions are ripping me in two with both sides of the argument. Am sure if I wasn't living with my folks right now I'd definitely be gone.
Sorry had to get that out and am crying as I write.
-
never be sorry, its fine, we understand.
she has a valid point, think of them before you do anything. but ultimately it is your decision and its a very hard decision to make and ive made it a few times now and was stopped once and failed the second and third time, both failures were horrifically painful. please think very carefully before you act.
you probably shouldn't listen to me though.
i agree with zaf, if you feel like you need a higher dosage then just ask, im on a very high dosage and every time i have a dosage change the side effects kick back in :(
-
Thanks Cornish.
Dying painfully scares me
-
its no problem at all, but as i said its probably best not to listen to me as im have been very down for a while now and i dont think im thinking straight, your better off waiting for some one else to come along
it scares me too and i dont think i would attempt again, ive heard people say its the cowards way out but i believe it takes a lot more strength to do it than they know, its the hardest and most permanent decision you will ever make and as ive failed before im haunted by it. ive been told many times i will get over this by munchroom and i am starting to believe her, you will beat this cruel illness, just keep on fighting it
-
Feeling really rough again tonight
Can't believe I'm back living with my parents again. I feel such a failure. My marriage failed and in stuck in limbo. I'm really struggling to cope.
I wish my parents would just say it's ok for me to die. I'm so ready I just can't do it cos of them. I can't even get that right.
I miss being married and having my own house. I miss my dog and my cat.
-
Alstare, in my book not committing suicide because of your parents is not a failure at all, its a sign of your strength imo.
Its very natural to miss the things you do please dont hold that against yourself. Please believe me that things do get better eventually xx
-
Alstare thanks for posting I'm so sorry you feel this way. You are not a failure. Things didn't work out the way you had planned but that is not a reflection on your success as an individual. Coping is a struggle at the moment. You're parents do not want you to die because they know that you can be happy again. I understand that you feel like you want to die. You want the situation and the way you feel to come to an end. It will end. It takes time but it will end and change will occur. It wont always be like this, it will change. Please hang on in there. You are very important to your parents and you will be happy again.
-
I'm not sure how much more pain I can deal with.
-
The pain is difficult for you and you don't know how much more of it you can take. Asltare you will surprise youself. You can deal with a lot. You have dealt with a lot. Acknowledge the pain you feel and let it out here.
-
Pleasr Alstare keep talking to us, whatever you need to say, if you start to feel really on the edge phone the samaritans or even 999, we'll all do what we can to help, please believe there really is light at the end of the tunnel xx
-
I just hate everything that's going on.
I don't have everything I need to do it so don't worry too much.
-
You hate everything at the moment Alstare. We will still worry because it doesn't matter when you would do it it would still be too soon and awful, just awful. I feel so sad when you talk about suicide. You can and will be happy again. This is a temporary state that you can recover from. It will change and it will be better.
-
Alstare, I have been suicidal several times in the past and I know things can get better and it is possible to recover and see things in a different light but it does take time; having so very recently lost someone I knew from suicide and the devastation felt by her friends, not to say anything about her family who must be totally bereft, I can only tell you that a lot more people care for you than you think.
-
You are affecting people positively ever day Alstare
-
Sorry if I am upsetting you Zaf.
-
I'm not sure how much more pain I can deal with.
i feel like that virtually every day, if you do have P.T.S.D. then this part of it. im not going to lie to you it doesn't get any easier but you will learn to cope with it and after the first session on wednesday with a really good P.T.S.D. specialist i know that getting help is possible, just a nice relaxing session of talking mostly crap to her and getting advice from her really helped.
when i talked about suicide she was really good about it. basically saying right you have the suicide card and you can keep hold of it and play it if you ever really think you feel like you need to but try not to play it yet, just give me a chance and keep hold of that card till we have had a few sessions, then think about what to do then.
so its ok to think about it and want to do it but try and hold off for a little while and give some one the chance to help you, it may not be the first person you see but please try.
we care about you and what happens to you and want to help.
also try joining a P.T.S.D. forum for a bit of advice and help. i very rarely use them as i stay with here as i feel its more warm and welcomeing.
I just hate everything that's going on.
I don't have everything I need to do it so don't worry too much.
we will still worry as its a very hard decision for you to make, firstly its not a cowards way out, its extremly hard to do and requires a lot of strength, but its also far easier to do than you think but most importantly its a final decision, theres no going back. i have had a few failed attempts and its horrific, as soon as you start, you get a tiny bit of relief but that lasts seconds, then panic and fear set in, the things that are important to you in your life that you cant think of now will come to you in what could be your final moments and you will wish you hadnt made the wrong decision.
im not trying to suger coat anything and give you the parts that will put you off. my second attempt was compleatly diffrent, its sick but i enjoyed it and was happy about everything ending. then i failed again, i felt worse than ever after that, like a HUGE failure, i failed at life and failed at ending it.
some people might read that and think it might be the wrong thing to say as it did show a slightly pro for suicide but i believe its something you need to know and hopefully it will make you think a lot more.
:'( been pretty upsetting posting this, its not a thing i really like talking about but if it helps some one else then its definitely worth it
my thoughts are with you and im only a pm away, i dont know how much help i can be as im in a pretty bad way to. the advice ive given or am likely to give may not be the best but i have good intentions and really do hope i can help.
-
Cornish
Thanks for your post I do really appreciate it and it was all good sound stuff. Sorry it upset you writing it.
I forgot to say I spoke to my cpn about PTSD and she doesn't think I have it. I wasn't surprised I guess just cos someone had suggested it I did wonder.
Thanks for saying your only a pm away I'll bear it in mind.
Nick
-
Cornish that is one of the most fantastic posts I think I've ever read. It was so powerful and thought provoking. It is SO important to talk about things like this. If we shy away from the subject of suicide and make it taboo in a place like this it will always be misunderstood and more likely to happen. You have given an insight into it that most of us have never known and education is always power.
I'm sorry it was upsetting for you to write that. It is a tribute to you that you found the strength for some one else in their time of need. You are remarkable.
-
when did all of this start for you, was it after the incident ? do you think you have it ?? it might be worth asking to see a P.T.S.D. if you feel like it could have any impact on the way you feel.
a car accident caused mine and i dont really associate it with my P.T.S.D. but i have no memory of it being traumatic, but it is the cause (along with the other illnesses) of how i feel.
-
It all started for me 9 years ago when I had to leave the navy and then shortly after my best friend and some others I knew were killed in Iraq. I also lost a friend to a house fire in 1999. It's all very complicated and inter woven.
-
well i would say those are traumatic events and i think you should mention them, if u haven't to your cpn.
no need to be sorry about it upsetting me, it was my choice to post it, if a bit of suffering can help some one else then its worth going though.
i was worried i would get the opposite reaction but im glad some one has found it useful
-
Have mentioned it all to my cpn and team. :-(
-
Ok so it's 1am and I'm wide awake. Probably not helped by me being in bed til 5 pm. Think I must be spending about 16 hours a day in bed. I'm just too scared of the world to get up. Its safe in my dreams under my duvet. Solicitors and divorce doesn't exist under my duvet. But then it gets to night time and im not tired and my head is just whirring with all the negatives. Why can't my head be clear like it is when I'm in bed during the day.
-
please dont worry about that Alstare, in a way it helps me to talk about it but mostly I am very concerned for you xx
-
Oh and I'm incredibly sorry zaf if any of these post have been a trigger for you
-
Please dont worry cornish, its made me sad to think someone else may be on the brink but on the whole I think these things are better aired so please dont hold back putting you feelings down guys
-
Hi Alstare and Cornish
Keep holding you heads up high, you have so much to give, your posts show that you have been through SO much, no wonder your brains do strange things sometimes --me too, and I have'nt had the sort of experiences you have had. I wish I understood these feelings. I just want to say that I know you are precious and valuable people, please don't be too hard on yourselves. We need understanding, comfort, peace in our hearts and love.
Thinking of you
*(*
-
I bought some stuff to help with final journey should I choose to so it. Feel guilty now.
-
I've had mine here for years Alstare, know where and how I'd do it too but thankfully I've so far not gone down that route, the thing that has always stopped me is how my friends and family would feel if I did.
If you ever get near to using whatever you've got please phone the samaritans or 999
-
I feel so very alone.
-
dont feel guilty, just re read my earlier post, u have that suicide card if you wish to play it but please try getting help first and give that a chance, then make a choice, i know its far easier said than done but please just consider getting more or different help.
your not alone were here for you
-
Alistare
You may feel alone but there are people that care,tomorrow there could be a small light, a glimmer of hope for the future. Where there is life there is hope.
I am sad that you feel so alone, have you anyone at the end of the phone that you could talk to?
^&^
-
Alstare you are not alone. We are here for you. You have control. Please go to your GP and explain how dispairing you feel. Keep talking to your parents and talking to us. Hold on. You will beat this and you will be happy again.
-
We are all here Alstare, lol is right, you ought to see your GP and tell him how you feel if you possibly can, it is possible to overcome depression, please do keep believing that &*(
-
Alstare how are you feeling today? Could you manage to get out and get some fresh air? Do you have somewhere near you that is nice for a short walk? some water maybe? Somewhere different and tharaputic to help you to think? Maybe take a journal with you and get some thoughts down/ or just a newspaper? Do your parents or a nieghbour have a dog that you could walk? I know that you miss your pets terribly. Would it be possible for you to have a dog at your parents house?
-
My parents have two dogs which I do walk most days. It's not the same though as they're not as affectionate as my dog was and he used to sleep on my bed but they're not able to get to the room I sleep in. Wife won't let me have my dog.
-
thats a real shame Alstare, would it be possible to take your own dog out for walks occasionally do you think?
-
Nope my parents address is 60 miles from the house we're selling and I'm pretty sure she's taken the dog up to tge midlands. I doubt I'll ever see him again.
-
Thats such a shame, do you think your parents would let you get one of your own?
-
Yeah they would if I was going to live here forever. Don't know where I'll end up living so it wouldn't be fair just in case.
-
Thats very true and caring of you, I know it wouldnt be the same but perhaps you could volunteer to walk dogs for one of the rescues?
-
I miss him on my bed at night. Ive always got my folks dogs to walk.
-
Thats a difficult one Alstare, I would miss my dogs too :(
-
Less than 12 hours until I see combat stress. Eek.
-
As I suspected, nothing they can really do for me. Their centres are designed for PTSD which I don't have.
-
I'm sorry that didn't work out for your Alstare. could you take anything away from the session? It is very likely given what you have been through, that even if you don't have diagnosed ptsd, those events did affect you traumatically and they are obviously on your mind. Are there things they can suggest that might help you anyway? It seems awfully odd that the notion of ptsd has been dismissed given your circumstances, but I know it is very complex and not something I could possibly understand fully.
How are you feeling today. Are there any support groups in your area or any social groups at all that you could join to feel a little less isolated? Maybe your local doctors or hospital can put you in touch with people in a simelar situation?
-
Feel really pathetic for being tearful so much and for feeling so scared. Also feel guilty for breakdown of my marriage. Basically feel like crap.
-
Being tearful and scared is normal when we are depressed Alstare, its nothing to be ashamed of, would you feel ashamed if you couldnt walk because you had a broken leg?
What makes you think it was your fault for the breakdown of your marriage that you need to feel guilty about?
-
Feel pathetic because I sometimes have to wake my mum up in the night to talk and cry, I'm a grown man for christs sake.
My loss of libido was a big part of the break up and I feel utterly guilty because of it.
-
I understand. You feel you should not be tearful and scared and that you were to blame for the breakdown of your marriage. I think that being tearful in times of grief is a very normal reaction. You are grieving. You are feeling grief for the tragedy you have witnessed in war, grief for the loss of your friends in an accident, and grief for the loss of your wife and family life. Tearfulness is a very normal and very necessary functional process of grief and frankly mate, if you weren't doing it, I would be asking why. It is no wonder, that in this amount of grief, you question the world and are scared about it. You have been a very strong person and are used to being a strong person. At the moment your body is in a crisis and has temporarily disabled you from being strong because it knows that if you carry on that way you will explode. Your body has emergency stopped you so that you can recover from what has happened so far. Your mind doesn't agree, but its tough toenails. Remember that what you are going through is a process. It will stop. Change will occur, healing is happening, and you will start to feel the affect of that one day.
-
Its not a sign of weakness Alstare, its the illness making you feel the way you do, it really isnt possible for us to "pull ourselves together", i'm fortunate that the medication I'm on works well once it kicks in but I still feel tearful or desperately tired, or have a panic attack for no apparent reason.
It must be hard for partners to understand that the loss of feelings and libido are a direct cause of the illness but they are and again, its not your fault you are ill, I understand how easy it is to feel guilty about the way our illness affects us and others but it is an illness, not a deliberate act to treat them as we do
-
Instead of feeling pathetic, try to see it as unlike you. You are living in an emergency state, you will find that things become emergent at any time of the day and night. You are a grown man. It is necessary for you to seek attention to your emergency situation whenever it occurs so that you can tackle it and try to get on top of it. Emergency doesn't care what time it is. Your mum will understand. If you were living in a house with strangers you would probably be waking up one of them and doing the same. You wont always feel you need to wake some one up. With time, you will be able to journalise your thoughts and wait until morning. But in an emergency this is not possible, you would be less in control if you did not deal with your urgent needs when they occur. If you don't want to call your mum, you could call the samaritains on 08457 909090. How much are you sleeping during the day?
-
Trying to cut down the sleeping in the day bit I don't sleep well at night. (I'm living with my parents at the minute).
-
Are you eating?
-
Yes
-
Weird sleeping patterns are difficult to cope with, especially if you share the house with others, I often wake in the early hours and end up on the sofa watching TV then need to sleep in the afternoon, I'm reluctant to ask for sleeping tablets but I may eventually have to just to get my sleeping patterns back to some sort of normality.
Have you told your doctor you're having these problems?
-
Is there a meal that makes you feel sleepy? usually a high carbohydrate meal which also contains protein. Dairy, wholemeal bread and bananas have been reported to be good at this. Such foods are soporific and make us inclined to sleep. If you do respond in this way it might be worth trying one of these foods 45 minutes before bed. Do consider sleeping aids though, nytol can help, but your GP may be able to prescribe you something to help as sleep is essential for healing. Is your room nice and dark? do you have a sleep timer on your television and can go to sleep to the sound of something instead of silence which can let thoughts in. oxygenate your room during the day. If you can get to sleep, these tips may help you to stay asleep?
-
I've been on sleeping pills since June. There're not very effective any more. I have a mask to help black out tge room when it gets light and I have window open all the time.
-
OK Alstare. you are doing what you can. If you have to seek the comfort of another in the middle of the night then that is absoluteley what you must continue to do until such a time as you don't need to any more. Your mother absolutely understands. You can assure her that it wont always be like this, because it wont. This is a temporary state, but one that is most distressing for you. As you cry, and explore your feelings through talking and thinking, you will continue through this process and change will occur. It will stop. You will begin to feel diffferent and you will be happy again.
-
Hugs alastare can relate to alot of what you are feeling. I feel like a failure alot if the time too. I highly tecomend the Samaritans. If you don't want to talk you can email them. It really helped me when I felt close to suicide. You can keep in contact for as long as you want. As for the sleeping as you can see from the time of this post I have trouble with it too. It's part of this horrible illness. I get really anxious and wake up really early. Anxious about a gp visit later today. Big hugs alastare
-
Hi Alistare
I think you need to do what you need to do- I mean if you can, like sleep if you are tired, talk and cry if you need to. etc Don't feel guilty- I know I do, but I try not to as it really isn't our fault, You have been through so much, we can only take so much.
Don't know what else to say but you must be strong for all you have done.
Its early days, you will be happy again
Hugs
XXX
-
Doc prescribed me amitryptelene yesterday instead of the zopiclone to help me sleep. Actually managed to get to sleep before 1130 last night rather than my usual 2am. Been up doing stuff since 1030 this morning and going to try and stay up all day if I can. Hope I can carry this on.
-
Alstare this is brilliant! Ride the good times and acknowledge them whilst you can. Think about any way you feel better and really try to make a memory out of it so that if things get more difficult again you can remember that things can and do start to feel better and they will again. I'm really pleased at the difference you are feeling. Well done. Concentrate on the better feeling and whilst doing that stick your tongue out to depression.
-
Thats great Alstare :)
-
Well crisis team have been. As I thought there's nothing they can do to help. On plus side my cpn has recommended tamazepam to my doctor for a sleeping aid. Just hope I can get doctor to call me back before chemist closes. Doubt it somehow. Was supposed to be on the amitryptelene but concussion between cpn and doc meant all sleeping meds were totally withdrawn :-(
-
Hope you get your meds sorted by tonight Alstare, its horrible not being able to sleep :(
-
Alstare I hope you have some meds by now. I'm sorry to hear the crisis team wasn't the best experience. What did they do and talk about? Did nothing good come of it at all?
-
They're very concerned about my suicidal thoughts and that I have a really good grasp on a working plan to end it. One of them did say they admired me for carrying on with everything I have going on. They ruled out hospital as being too traumatic on a psych ward. They said there wasn't much else they could offer.
-
OK I see. Alstare, if you've got nothing to loose would you like to spill ALL the beans and see if we can help you through this?
-
I've told you everything that's going on.
-
OK. Sorry I thought I had seen you had said something about not having told us the whole story in an earlier post. My mistake. Sorry.
-
No I jus said I hadn't previously mentioned I was currently in trouble with the police and that I had a traumatic day yesterday because of it. It's adding heavily to my reason for wanting to end it all. But I don't need to go into the details of why I'm in trouble, surely that's not what this place is about. I will say I haven't hurt anyone!
-
I think most people that have suicidal thoughts have a plan how to do it, I certainly knew where and how and had the means to do it (I still have actually, but not sure why) but now after many years of suffering from depression I really do feel I can more or less control it and have made a lot of progress this episode on understanding the illness and how I can help myself not to keep on the never ending cycle.
There is light at the end of the tunnel Alstare, its just a damned long tunnel :(
-
Sorry Alstare I didn't realise you were in trouble with the police, I didn't mean to pry I just thought it was something else you were having trouble tackling that maybe you needed to get off your chest. But no worries, just leave it there I didn't mean to cause you to feel uncomfortable or that you had to explain yourself. My apologies.
Please see Zaf of testament that it can be done.
-
Lol
That's ok. Thanks for caring.
-
Even a minor incident can have a huge impact on how we feel Alstare, a few weeks ago I backed into someone in the supermarket car park (very minor bump at very low speed) but it really set me back badly for a few days mentally; having a traumatic day yesterday will have affected your state of mind badly :(
-
Yeah I was in bits last night and had a huge emotional breakdown. I wanted to end it all. I now have to wait for court case too etc. :-(. Thanks Zaf.
-
Take it a day at a time Alstare, or even an hour at a time if you have to, there have been occasions in the past I have had to get through very difficult times 15 minutes at a time. I wonder if it would it be possible to delay the court case if your doctor was to send a letter saying you werent up to it or would that just be prolonging the agony?
Lean on us here as much as you need to, we will help as much as we can xx
-
Ithink I'd rather just just get it over and done with. Thanks for support.
-
Probably best to get it over and done with if you feel you can tackle it, I tend to be a wimp and put off things I dont think I can hande :(
-
Hi Alstare.
I have just read through this thread. I really feel for you mate. Something I have been holding onto for a while is the idea that I am not the only one. I have felt pretty much the way you have recently, I have wanted to kill myself and wanted to die, but couldn't because of my parents. I've spents hours upon hours feeling such low, dark depressing horrible thoughts, and I have also received little help from NHS. I have felt like the only one in this situation, and when I have met other people with depression I look at them and think, well..you have a wife, you still have love. I know how it is to feel so alone, but I promise you, you are not...and I am sure with time that you will get better and feel happier again. Just hold on in there and be strong, and you will come out the other side. There is a good future at the end of all this
Steve
-
Ok so I probably couldn't feel much worse than I feel right now. So I went to the house to see what the score is and what I'll need to pack up on Saturday to find that bitch has taken all our joint stuff (furniture etc) worth over £3k plus my fridge freezer, my large flat screen tv and my xbox. She left all the cable for the xbox so that was all just pure spite. I feel numb. I'm so far past upset it's not true.
-
I'm sorry Alstare that sounds horrible. What are you going to do?
-
Its horrible when someone is that spiteful :(
-
I'm sorry Alstare that sounds horrible. What are you going to do?
Tell my solicitor and see what he says I guess
-
Really sorry, that's terrible, I feel for u Alstare.
Love and Hugs
Di XXXXXXXXXXXX
-
Seeing my solicitor tomorrow so we'll see what happens tomorrow.
I'm being passed from one care team to another at tge moment so I'll be without a care coordinator for a few weeks :-(.
-
It would be good to put this in the hands of a solicitor wouldn't it? The relief to be able to let it go and still know it is being dealt with will be great.
It is awful that you should have to wait any length of time for a hand over to take place between your care teams. How frustrating. Gaps in care should never happen but they do so often don't they! You feel stranded in limbo.
-
Am fed up. Life has absolutely no joy for me at the moment. I'm a worry and a burden for my parents. I just don't want to be here.
-
It will pass, hope you can sleep well,relax, and wake up feeling better.
Love Di XX
-
lol is right, let the solicitor sort it and take it out of your hands, things will get better, please hold onto that thought xxx