Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: smirfy21 on May 04, 2011, 11:03:30 PM
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Hi I am new to this forum and I guess I am looking for some kind of help or advice or maybe just a place to unload when the going gets tough.
I have suffered for almost 6 years with the effects of Clinical Depression and have spent the best part of 6 years isolating myself from society and hiding my condition from my family and what little friends I have left; I have tried to live a normal life but I am now at the point of realisation that I need help so I have arranged to see a psychiatrist in two weeks who I am hoping is going to carry out an assessment and be able to give me a diagnosis and then treat me accordingly.
I know that many people would tell me not to self diagnose for obvious reasons but I am pretty sure that I am suffering from Bipolar disorder as it runs in the family and my symptoms all lead towards it so it is more a case of getting the diagnosis so I can get the help I am desperate for so I can get my life back on track.
Life is all pretty rocky at the moment and I am about to finish my final year of my foundation degree however I have got so many extended deadlines that it all seems impossible so I am pretty stressed which is always dangerous as this can trigger an episode.
It feels like I have no control over my own life anymore, I dont have any interests or hobbies anymore, I lie to everyone I know to cover up my condition and my university work is massively being affected as all my creativety has just gone. I dont know what to do anymore and have no one to turn to. I am sick of living like this and just want it all to end I have never been suicidal but can feel it creeping up on me and It scares the hell out of me!!!
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Hello. Good to hear from you. Dont dispair there is always a resolution to everything. I have suffered from depression/eating disorder for 15 years and only got diagnosed recently with borderline personality disorder. Not saying it will take you this long to get sorted but you need to stay strong and believe there is a end in sight. U can always to message me back and I can give you my advice although I am blonde and female!!! Not going to say keep your chin up but the fact you are communicating is a good thing and believe me I have been there with meds and bad experiences so I do understand :)
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hey there, and welcome. you have taken the first steps by asking for help and talking about it. It is a scary thing to be going through, i have felt scared of it myself at times, i think thats a natural reaction really. Uni must be really difficult right now, would you be able to talk to the tutors or the medical team and explain whats going on? it might be you can get some help there too, but if they dont know whats happening they cant help you. My uni was really good on that.
Your asking for help and thats the first step, so dont be so hard on yourself, little steps make all the difference!
all the best, Ali
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A warm welcome to the forum, as the others have said it is a big step asking for help, but a good one. Again I'm sure the uni has some sort of care service that can be offered. It is all very bewildering and scary but you have done the right thing take care.
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Hi thanks for the swift replies it is really good to have people that I know have been through what I am going through, unfortunately my university are incredibly unhelpful and judgemental my personal tutor described me as a PROBLEM case today and told me I wouldnt get far in life which I resent. My university have councilors but not a medical team which is rubbish so I am struggling on alone and without any support from the staff. I was so angry that I am not being supported that I have been to see the head of my department who seems to hold pretty similar views to my tutor but has said that he can extend one of my assignment deadlines so I can finish it during the summer which is going to see me failing if I do that.
I am so sick of the judgment at uni and the judgment at home its like I have nowhere to go, enough is enough and I am going to prove them all wrong about me so hopefuly my new psychiatrist wont be judgmental aswell I dont think that she knows that I am appointing her my saviour yet lol.
Im feeling pretty mad at the moment so really trying to stay calm as I really cant be doing with being manic and having an episode aswell particuarly as I dont take any medication.
I am incredibly worried about myself at the moment which I know is self endulgent but I dont have anyone there to do it for me so thank you thank you thank you for listening to me rant and rave you are all stars.
I would really like to hear about your experiances with mental health if you dont mind sharing them with me that would be really great.
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Hi!
Just wondered what you are studying. I remember that it is very stressful doing all those exams and papers. Hope it goes well with the Psychiatrist.
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Well luckily I dont have to sit any exams as I am a fine art student however I do have assesments at the end of the year and presentations and an exhibition which I will need to think about.
After two days of complete depression I have had a high day. everything has gone really well and I feel more than motivated %^& this is how I feel kind of manic and energetic so I am hoping that this will last for a couple of days so I can get on with some art work while I have the creativity and energy.
thank you for your support and I am going to welcome therapy with open arms next week but I have to say I am rather anxious about the first assesment that is going to be carried out to see if I actualy do have bipolar disorder or some other form of mental illness.
I feel like I have been quite self absorbed over the past couple of days and I realise I know very little about you guys and why it is you have chosen to use this forum, fill me in if you like and let me know how you are getting on. *&^
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Hello Smirfy,
I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when i was at University. I couldn't understand why, as I didn't think that I was 'depressed', however 13 years later, I can see how the upheaval of such a major change in life/lifestyle can have thrown me off balance.
I found the best thing was to be honest with my tutor and family. My tutor was great as were my family, even though I felt ashamed of the situation. I'm so sorry for you that you are not getting the same support.
You mention that you do arts, and I understand how this can affect you (I did a music degree). Occasionally though, the low feelings actually expressed themselves well through my art, and that helped me, not only to feel a little better about myself, but also to release some of the feelings. Hope that makes sense? Maybe, just maybe, you could do the same?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/7084883.stm (this is a positive article :) )
I would definitely be careful about self-diagnosis, so I'm glad you are seeing a psychiatrist. If you are suffering from depression, you can convince yourself that things are much worse than they are, very easily!!
Be careful about placing too much reliance on the psychiatrist. I'm sure that they will be able to help you, but remember that stablising yourself from depression (or bipolar disorder if that's what you are diagnosed with) takes time. But you will get there ultimately.
I'm glad you've found this forum, as it sounds like you really need people to talk to, who are most definitely not going to judge! Don't feel like you have anything to prove to anyone, and try not to let your family and tutors bring you down further. Some people are just not in a position to understand.
F
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thanks for your reply I read that article and found it very interesting, however it makes me sad because I was once able to put my heart into my art and now I dont even feel creative I quite literally find it hard to put anything down on canvas because I just feel numb and empty. Dont get me wrong I love art and desperatally want to live the life of an artist which is why I am forcing myself to seek help and recover from this crippling depression.
tomorrow is the day I have my psychiactric assesment which scares the hell out of me but I know that in the long run this is going to do me the world of good.
thank you for your support and I will definetally be careful about relying to much on my psychiatrist to just take away these feelings I guess its going to be a lengthy process but one that will change my life for the better and maybe I will find the courage to tell my family and there exceptance.
I hope that all is good with you
smirfy21 ^-^
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I had my first psychiactric assesment this morning however it was not quite what I was expecting, It turns out that today was just a meeting with a psychologist to find out what it is I want from the GP and the mental health team and to find out about me, my family and my past.
I feel like I have talked my guts out today and it has brought up things that I didn't even know were on my mind or having problems with. it also brought up things from my past that I wanted to leave behind so I have asked to carry on with CBT aswell as starting back on the medications, however the mental health team are going to have a meeting to figure out how to proceed with treatment and to find a diagnosis which all seems like guess work to me as one person tells me its one thing and one tells me its another so how they come to a diagnosis I dont know.
anyways hope you are all doing ok and I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your support and advice I really appreciate it!!!
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hey Smirfy:) glad youve had your assessment, at least its a step in the right direction. i completely poo pood counselling when i first went but as the weeks went on it just helped me realise why i am this way. I cant say its helped to improve my depression at the moment but at least i can see why im like this.
Its a shame about uni but some of them are still the old ''institutions'' and are not very good at this sort of thing, i guess i was lucky. Uni is stressful enough so just hang in there. I know its really hard to focus and to find any interest and motivation in things, but thats part of the depression, just do what you can manage each day and dont be so hard on yourself.
It all seems a pointless process with assessments and waiting for the next step sometimes, but eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it may help you figure out what to do next, so keep with it. whatever you do dont give up on it, and take any help that is offered to you, because something no matter how small it may be, might help you, so anything is worth a go!
let us know how its going:) Ali )-_
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Thank you Ali
yes the assesment did seem like a step in the right direction, however I feel like this is going to be a much lengthier process than I origianly thought but if it means that I am dealing with my condition and understanding why I am the way I am then Its got to be a good thing.
How come you did not get along with conselling or was it just not for you?
It all seems like a pointless process all this being sent from one person to another and I have to say that Im still not sure that its going to lead to any diagnosis just help which is fine but I would really like to know one way or another If I have bipolar disorder or not just for my own sanity.
I am deffinetally going to take any help given and stop saying no to things because I cant go into my final year of uni like this.
Smirfy
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Hi Smify and welcome :)
I too am quite a creative person. I'm not at uni, but up until last August when my depression really took over, I was going to be a writer! (I hope one day I still will be, but I have to actually WRITE something new!!) I used to draw a lot too and then I completely lost interest in everything - my motivation has gone out of the window! I did go through a stage of drawing a few months ago and did some stuff that I'm really quite proud of - but now that motivation has gone again...
A good friend who has also suffered with depression said to me a few months ago that when you are a naturally creative person you must get it out in some way because otherwise you start to be a bit like a pressure cooker!! Even if you don't feel like it, you have to get what's inside your head out. I have had to find different ways of expressing it - mainly cooking! (which is ironic as my anxiety has massively affected my appetite...) But I have been able to come up with some pretty odd cake recipes!! Which have gone down quite well :)
I also have at times wondered if I am bipolar as I will have days (and nights) when I am SO up I can do anything at all I can be sociable, I am ok to leave the house on my own, I still don't eat but then I don't mind because I feel I'm so full of energy, it doesn't matter, almost like I don't need the food to give me energy - the same with sleep, although I am now on sleeping medication so my boyfriend tends to make sure I take two pills instead of one when I am bouncing off the walls!! But then, within half an hour that feeling can go, in the click of the fingers and I am as low as low can be - theres no middle ground and that is truly terrifying. My care co-ordinator and doctor don't seem to think it is bipolar though so I'm under the depression/anxiety umbrella! I think sometimes its quite hard for a professional to diagnose what exactly going on when they only see you for a set amount of time... Not that I'm disputing or disagreeing with what they say, I would be pretty lost without them! But I tend to rely on myself (and my boyfriend when I'm not able to) and I've learnt to really listen to what my body is trying to tell me and act on it.
I know at times it can feel like you are being dragged from pillar to post - but I guess one way of looking at it is you will, hopefully, end up with the correct people and/or medication and you will be on the right path to getting better :)
Good luck with it and remember even on he toughest days, keep going! You aren't alone in this x
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things have been really tough for so long and I have experianced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but I feel like its not me that has been experiancing all these emotions and that I have been trapped inside somebody else watching out on theire life but now I feel like I am finaly escaping and that there are people finaly hearing my screams for help!
Admitadly I am far from recovered and free from suffering however bit by bit I am being dragged from the depths of hell and helped along the way through the recovery.
I have decided to focus my efforts on photographing the hell of depression and the struggle of mental health descrimination which I hope will help me find my old passion for fine art and photography.
smirfy peace out for now ;)
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Hi Smirfy
Focusing your efforts like that sounds really positive, I know that it's beneficial for me to keep my mind busy. The less time for it to go the wrong way the better I suppose.
Keep us posted on how it goes, eh ;)
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heya Smirfy,
glad to see your accepting all the help offered, they will diagnose you eventually its just it can take time between referrals and appointments etc and just seems to drag out for ages!!
i found my counselling ok, it helped me see why i am like this but so far hasnt really helped in progressing towards feeling any better. But im hopeful it will, if i think otherwise id probably just stay under my duvet the rest of my life! i have more counselling and group therapy coming up so im going to see how that goes.
That is such a great idea with your photography, let me know how that goes and maybe youll let me see some of your work. I think photography is such an expressive art, you can read so much from a picture, its amazing. Really pleased for you there m8:)
Keep going and keep positive if you can, i know its hard sometimes but dont give up!!
Ali &^%
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Thanks Ali
I received a letter threw the post this morning from the mental health lady that spoke to me last week explaining that she has arranged for me to see a psychiatrist and that she believed I had a MOOD DISORDER and filled a whole envelope full of leaflets and information on bipolar disorder which I thought was strange especialy as she did not state that she thought I had bipolar disorder. I am very confused by this!!
I know that this is going to take time and that they cant just click their fingers and make everything alright but I have to wate until the 27th of june for my appointment by which point I could have gone through several episodes and I dont know if they just expect me keep on struggling un medicated until then. they have not asked me to come in or offered any support for me whilst I wate and this to seems strange.
I am so very confused and worried about what could happen in between now and then but I am trying to stay possitive and help myself through my art work a sourt of art therapy if you like but this letter has thrown me and I dont know how to react to it or how im suppost to react to it.
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hey smirfy,
dont panic about it, there are apparently two groups of mood disorder that are widely recognised, one being clinical depression and the other being bi polar, so i would imagine thats why they have sent you those leaflets as there are similarities, and until you see your psychiatrist i guess the leaflets are just for you to have a look and see where abouts you ''fit in'' before you get to the appointment and get a firm diagnosis. They leaflets might just help you make a bit of sense as to what your feeling.
it is difficult not having any support in between appointments, unfortunately thats the state of the nhs for you. try to stay positive, i know its hard, your doing great keeping occupied with your art, keep it up and try not to worry too much.
Ali :)
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"£$ being stuck behind a wall of depression is not fun and I guess I would have thought that the NHS would have actions in place to provide support for people like me in between appointments.
I guess that patience is something that I need to learn and get used to and stop being so desperate for things to change. I am just so desperate to be able to live a normal life.
!"! thats all I have to say for tonight because I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall a bit but all the support that everyone has given me on this forum has been brilliant and incredibly helpful.
smirfy !"!
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Sorry did not reply earlier. I am actually not totally sure whether I am using this site correctly (notifications etc.).
I think you are great!!! anyone who is creative, will be more sensitive!
I agree, it doesn't really matter what you are diagnosed with, because all of emotional and mental problems are interlinked. Of course if you are on medication, that is a different story.
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Well it has been quite some time since posting on hear and I feel like lots has happened in the past couple of months including a fairly recent diagnosis of Bipolar 2 disorder and now that I know whats making me the way I am I can finaly take all the necessary actions to treat it.
Its strange I thought I would feel something towards being diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I dont feel anything not even angry I just feel numb and I keep expecting to wake up one day and for it to suddenly hit me but other than the usual symptoms of my condition there has been nothing and I don't know if this is normal. I guess its probably because I knew for a long time that I was bipolar so I have already excepted it and the diagnosis was just putting something on a piece of paper nothing has really changed.
I have spent the past week researching my condition and finding out the facts and what kind of help is available but I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not because I keep expecting to go into complete melt down mode or freak out and end up doing something completely stupid and out of character. I guess that this is all something I can disguss with my new psychiatrist though. she has given me a week to get my head round everything and figure out where I want to go from hear as I wasn't too keen on rushing into things.
I genuinely dont know how to react or act now its like this odd sense of faulse reality almost like im dreaming and I dont know what to do with myself.
any advice would be appreciated and I would also like to hear other peoples bipolar stories if you dont mind sharing them.
smirfy
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:)
Dear Smirfy,
Feels strange to call you Smirfy, when I am Cinderella. I suppose we all are here to learn to deal with our emotions, some on a deeper level and others more on the surface. For me it it clear that depression comes from years of suppressing feelings.
It sounds as if getting the diagnosis hasn't really made such an impact on you. I really hope that the medication and seeing the psychiatrist will get you to understand yourself and your feelings a bit more.
I am not quite sure how old you are and it seems so impersonal to write here, but I am in my early 40s and one of the things that I think are responsible for my depression is that I feel I don't have much left to work towards.
I am not sure what it is in your case, but I guess it is about changing your circumstances.
;)
M.
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don't know why the clock in this system is sooooooooooo wrong???
It is not 2 am in the morning, when I am writing this. It is actually 10.22 in the morning and I am at work!!!
lol
M.
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Smirfy just felt fitting as smirfs are blue and thats how I fealt when setting up my account.
I am 23 and have been told that I am a rapid cycler and that I am prone to much more frequent mood swings so I find it hard to pinpoint the areas in my life that set off a low or high episode as I can turn very quickly for no apparent reason. However things like the weather can set me off or things around me that are irritating me like a sound or something visual.
I have changed my circumstances twice and both times doubled how badly I was suffering. I have realised that running or starting again doesn't get me anywhere unfortunately as I am one of those people that doesn't like to stay in one place for more than two years it makes not feeling the need to change my circumstances very very tricky.
I have absolutaly no idea at present what sets me off or even really how this bipolar disorder effects me I just know it is making my life a living hell and I want out, I want something to make tick, I want something that interests me but at the moment I have no interest in anything, no happiness just a deep dark pit of depression that just seems to be getting deeper and the manic episodes seem a lot more appealing.
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Ah, funny because to me the Smirfy chracters are really funny and cheerful....very sweet. But of course I can see the blue/blues association.
To me it all boils down to care and love and how much these are responsible for good emotional and mental health. Once you have experienced deep depression, it is - like your title says - a struggle because of the 'fear' of depression. The fear of being alone and unloved becomes the fear of depression.
Do you mean 'rapid cycler' as in that you like cycling? Excersise is good!
Changing your circumstances/surroundings at your age is a normal thing. There is a lot of change in your early 20s and then it sort of slows down by 28. That is when I had my first sort of depressive episode, because I thought, well, I am not achieving enough.
why does the suffering double? because you tell yourself you made bad choices? Don't! you only have yourself and your life and your choices!
I do hope you can lift yourself out. It is important to know THAT YOU ARE LOVED and that you have to keep reminding yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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its rapic cycling bipolar disorder and people with it spend most theire time depressed than manic or hypomanic and are often misdiagnosed with clinical depression which I was for years. I am also told that because I am a rapid cycler I wont always be able to recognise a hypomanic state in myself and that I am more likely to end up in hospital or try and commit suicide.
I still dont know a lot about my condition which is why I am having to do a lot of reading around it and talking to people that also suffer from Bipolar 2.
I feel like I have a long way to go and im still hovering at the start line at the moment but my life is about to change dramatically again in three months as I am about to move and go back to university so I need to get my bipolar under control before I do.
thank you for all your comments its really nice talking to everyone on hear and I feel like I have your support.
smirfy ;D
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thanks , I hadn't heard of this term 'rapic cycling' before.
I think you have a lot to look forward to, going back to University.
:)
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I have, well I really hope so!!
the first time I tried to go back to univeristy I struggled like hell but I guess I was trying to do it alone and unmedicated.
I have just been sent a letter through the post telling me that I will have to wait three weeks for another appointment with my psychiatrist which I am very angry about as she told me she was giving me a week to figure everything out and then she would bring me back in to talk about medication and treatment, she never said anything about a three week wait especially as its already been a week and a half. What is she thinking, if I have to wait three moor weeks I am only likely to get worse and sink into a much deeper depression!! I really don't know what the hell is going through her head is she stupid or what.
I am going to demand an appointment next week I cannot believe she thinks leaving me to go at it alone for another three weeks is a good idea.
sorry ranting a bit now but I am sooooo angry and amazed at this.
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Typical NHS ::) don't understand the mentality excuse the pun. Sometimes it is difficult to comprehend. Take care.
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this week I have been having this same re-occuring dream basically it starts off with me and my dad having a huge argument and me throwing a nife at his face and me telling him that I am leaving which I do, I then end up with no money and nowhere to sleep so I go and sit in a pub and after a few days this women and three men appear and the women comes up behind me puts her hands on my shoulders and says 'I think we need to talk' I then tell her 'I dont want to talk and I have nothing to say' she then says 'It's not a request and not to struggle it will only make things worse' then the three men restrain me and drug me out of the pub and I wake up in a psych ward restrained to a bed. The same woman walks up to the bed and tells me 'not to struggle, its for my own good and that I need medical help' the dream then ends and I wake up screaming.
this dream is really hard to get out of and feels so real, how do I stop this re-occuring dream and why am I dreaming about this, what does it mean?
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It starts off with an argument between you and your father. That is what the psychiatrist needs to concentrate on, I think.
;)
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its a really strange concept dreaming, I have always had a very close relationship with my dad but he doesn't really understand my bipolar disorder and I think thats what is at the heart of this. I guess dreams bring up un-dealt with issues.
thanks for your reply and I think that next time I see my shrink I will bring this up in the mean time I will try and find ways to stop the dreams.
smirfy ;)
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you can't really control your dreams, that would defeat their purpose. :-[
what is between you and your dad is Oedipal and actually a natural emotion. I am also bugged down with not accepting my emotions and that is when they become a masochistic thing, which causes depression.
:-\
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oh goodness please dont tell me that I am screwed up enough without you telling me I secretly want to sleep with my father and be abused thats some pretty sick stuff. I get that you probably didn't mean it that way but it couldn't be further from the truth.
please dont stop posting because I like talking to you but please dont start telling me things like that, it really makes me feel bad
smirfy.
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obviously I didn't say that.
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:o oh goodness please dont think I am having a go at you. I think that maybe I dont understand what an Oedipal Complex is because according to wikipedia it is a boys desire to sleep with his mother and kill his father. please explain because I think I may have got the wrong end of the stick and managed to affend you which I hate the thought of.
smirfy
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No, you haven't offended me at all. It is exactly as you said it. The Oedipus complex is about a boy wanting to claim his mother and get rid of the father. But because there are other loving emotions towards the father too, it is those different emotions that are in conflict with each other.
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the dreams have stopped, thank god!!
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I am glad.
Sorry for my short replies, but I find it too impersonal and not very rewarding.
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It doesn't matter how short the reply it doesn't bother me because its just nice to know that somebody is listening. I know it sounds silly but I dont tend to have much support with my condition so when I am able to just say what I am feeling and not have some smart arse giving me some psychobable about how I only have myself to blame and that only I can change it. trust me even a one line reply is refreshing.
I have to say I feel like I haven't asked you much about yourself and how you are feeling and these forums work both ways. how are you feeling today?
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I know what you mean, although it is sort of public.
I am ok today. My daughter had top results in her SATs yesterday, which makes me very proud.
My problem is that I am scared of antidepressants. 2 years ago I went to my GP and got some prescribed. I took them for 10 days but felt that my whole personality was affected by it. Now that I have the same issue again I got them in the draw, but only take 1/2 dose.
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I know what you mean about the antidepressants. I have an appointment on thursday with my psychiatrist to talk to her about my options and which medications to take and this makes me nervous because she wants me to take a mood stabalizer, an antidepressant and some kind of medication alongside the two to help with the side effects.
I have to say that I am very very concerned about the medications because it seems to be a huge amount to be taking and the side effects of most of the suggested medications for bipolar disorder really scares me, especialy as I will be hiding the fact that I am taking medication from my family because they are very anti medication and mental health.
I know that in the long run the medication will help to level things out and make my life better but at the moment I am feeling very negative towards taking any medication at all and I dont know if I should tell my psychiatrist this or not.
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first of all many of the meds you will get prescribed wont work for a few weeks and for those few weeks you may even feel worse but they will start to work and dont worry too much about the side effects as they die down a lot after a few weeks. so at least stick with them for a few weeks unless you feel a lot worse then go back to your doctor asap
i was hugely anti drug but im converted, i dont actually think i would still be here without all the meds i take
it may seem like a huge amount to take but i take between 7 and 15 pills a day and ive kept that hidden from everyone other than my mother who i told, due to my memory problems so she could help remind me to take the important ones.
im my opinion i think u should tell your psychiatrist everything, its the only way they can help you effectively,
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:)
thank you for your replys and encouragements. Obviously Cornish you have a different outlook and you Smirfy are a bit like me. We are all different and cope in the best way we can.
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I agree with Cornish - You must tell your psychiatrist everything, that is what they are there for and they will not judge you.
Also - medication isn't meant as a magic 'cure'. Anti-depressants are there to make everything feel a little bit more manageable.
Before all of this, I was the sort of person that wouldn't even take paracetamol for a headache! Now I feel sometimes its a wonder I dont rattle ::) At the end of the day, AD's are altering the chemicals in your brain, so chances are there will be side effects with all of them. Its down to personal opinion what is manageable and what is not - I know, for example, that Venlafaxine does tend to lift my mood and get me out of bed in the morning, so the night sweats, vivid dreams & lack of libido are just something I ned to tolerate for a while, all of them together don't make me feel as bad as not taking any medication!! So in a way, it's worth it! Mitrazapine though... a big fat NO. They increased my appetite... pretty good for a borderline anorexic (at the time) but I had no control over what I was eating and then it made me anxious that I would start to put on weight...
If there are side effects that you expereince that cause you massive distress or if the tablets start to make you feel 'numb' then your doctor is there to help you find something else that will work. But you have to be 100% upfront and honest with the people that are trying to help you. I know it is far from easy to admit to SI or worse... but these people understand you are ill - they are not expecting logical answers for what you do or why you do it, they are there to help!
I'm so sorry that your family are anti medication and don't seem to understand mental health. it must be very hard to deal with all of this whilst effectivley keeping it a secret from those closest to you. Sometimes it feels like me must be wearing it in neon lights across our forehead!! I hardly told anyone when I was at my worst last year - really it was only my family and closest closest friends that knew - mind you, I hardly went out of the house! But now I am getting back into work and seeing people I know again, they are genuinely stunned that I suffer with mental health issues - so that's re-assuring in a way, it doesn't define us!
Take care Smirfy - you can always pm me if you need to let of steam or just need to chat. But please I can't re-iterate this enough, tell health professionals everything they are there to help, let them!
xx
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Thank you Munchroom, I am actually a qualified counsellor/psychotherapist and am still seeing my psychotherapist, who I had while I was training. She knows everything about me..... no psychiatrist.
I know all the stuff about side effects and how you have to take AD for at least 6 weeks until they settle. What does SI stand for ? Never heard of that.
;)
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Ah... SI is Self Injury/Self Harm... I know its not really touched much upon on these boards. Never sure how much to post or what not to post, the last thing I would ever want to do it post something that could potentially be triggering for someone else.
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thanks. Don't worry!
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wow what encouragemant I am getting it truly is brilliant :o
I have spent the morning researching all the different lists of medication and their side effects and it seems to be that everyone suggests to avoid both Lithium because it just makes you completely numb of emotion and also mirtazipine because of the massive weight gain which I am already aware of due to the fact that I spent six months on it and gained two stone which just made me more depressed.
I cant help but feel that tomorrow is going to be another big life change for me and that the next six months are going to interesting to say the least. I am going to keep posting on hear as it seems to be helping me just get things out of my head and if you fancy just popping in and leaving constructive critasism then you are all more than welcome.
I hope that you are all well
smirfy :P
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so glad you are full of energy!!!!!! ^-^
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Pleased to hear it Smirfy :) Really hope tomorrow goes well for you xx
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Just got back from the psychiatrist and I am feeling extremely drained, its strange it wasn't even a particuarly hard couple of hours but when I got home I fealt like I needed to puke my guts out and scream which was really odd.
We chated about how I had been feeling since we last met and medication options and how I fealt about side effects etc. she was really pushing for me to start a course of lithium alongside other meds and I kept telling her that I was really reluctant towards the meds that make you gain weight and drain you of all emotion so she suggested different medications and has perscribed risperidone, fluoxetine and some other drug.
I am actualy really confused about why she has perscribed risperidone now because I have just researched it and apparently the weight gain on this drug is massive and so is the numbing effect, I told her these were side effects that I wanted to avoid and she has just perscribed the drug with the most amount of side effects.
I am now feeling very undecided about weather or not going to the psychiatrist was a good idea as she seems to have got this totally wrong and seems to be leaving me for long periods of time to deal with this alone. she also doesn't actualy seem to be suggesting any other treatments like CBT or counceling or any other kind of treatment alongside the medication so what exactly is she there for I could have been perscribed all of these meds by my GP.
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:'(
I know how you are feeling. I wouldn't make a decision today. As you are said you are drained from not being able to make a decision.
I am though, the last person who can advise you, all I can say is that I know how hard it is.
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I agree with Cinderella, you have been through enough today without having to make a big decision about your meds.
Are you able to ring the psychologist, just to ask why you have been prescribed a drug that have the side effects you specifically said you didn't want?
I'm not surprised you feel drained though - I have just been out for an hour and a half with my parents and feel I could sleep all evening! It takes a lot to open yourself up to a stranger - albeit in a professional capacity, so be proud of what you have done today and put off thinking about anything important until tomorrow.
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Thanks cinderella I dont think I will be making any massive decisions until monday.
I can't ring my psychiatrist and ask her why she prescribed medication with side effects that I was very specific about not wanting because when we were talking she just made them sound really reliable and brilliant and it wasn't until I got home and did the research that I realised that they would give me massive side effects and quite possibly make my life a living hell.
don't get me wrong my psychiatrist is the nicest person you could ever hope to meet but I think that I need to be clearer about what it is I want from her and how I would like her to help me otherwise we are just going to keep having this problem and my recovery is going to take much longer.
how was your time with your parents?
smirfy :)
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Yeah... I think if you are able to be clear and vocalise what it is you feel you need then go for it! Unfortunately, all AD's seem to come with a truckload of side effects - which you are more than aware of!
Time with my parent's is good thanks :) I'm very lucky that they are very understanding people, I do find around people I tend to get more tired more quickly though and sometimes I just crave some time on my own or just some space to think.
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ok so its been a couple of days since I posted on hear, sorry about that I have just been so low this weekend and have spent a good proportion of it in bed however I am now feeling a lot more stable and will be trying to be more productive with my week.
how is everyone this week and what are your plans, mine are to focus my efforts on doing some art work, keeping track of my weight as I am trying to lose two stone before christmas and also going to talk to my GP about my medication options and how he can help me with my weight loss whilst taking the cocktail of drugs for my condition.
I am also thinking about putting together some kind of ideas and concept board on my wall so that I can organise and take control of my life a bit better than I have been doing as I think that in the long run this would do me the world of good and perhaps reduce my bipolar a bit aswell.
keep posting guys
smirfy ;)
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I've had a really bad day today, I'd have liked to hibernate in bed but have at least managed to sit in front of the tv all day and at one point washed up from yesterday, I feel so pathetic when I'm like this but I know if I keep trying to do things I'll get worse. To cap it all I've got a cold coming and my credit card fraud department just phoned and somehow someone's spent £500 at online betting shops with it :(
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at least you managed to get something done, dont feel pathetic just try and remember its an illness causing it.
hopefully that gets sorted soon
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Hi there...hey you are not alone ;)...so feel free to rant all you like Im sure most of us around here do the same at some point...I certainly do :D One good thing is that you are taking steps in the right direction...seeing a doctor and talking about it is all positive stuff...although if you starting to feel suicidal thoughts creeping up on you I would suggest you see your GP asap... I did try to end my life and luckly didnt succeed but its very scary...please seek help. Feel free to talk...talk is good even if sometimes we just talk rubish lol. Speak soon :)
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Its unusual for me but this time I dont feel suicidal, during other episodes of depression I have seriously considered ending it all, I suppose thats a good sign despite this seems a very deep depression.
I hate seeing everything untidy around me and not feeling capable of tidying up, and not being able to function properly. It really is such a horrible illness :(
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Hi zaf this is something that recently I to have experianced. I have never been a tidy or organised kind of person but for some reason keeping the house clean seems important and god forbid someone leaves something lying around I practically have a panic attack its that bad. my psychiatrist tryed to pin OCD tendancies on me but I know its not OCD its just a phase.
I have also really struggled with my bulimia over the past couple of weeks and I think it might just be a way for me to keep my mind occupied and away from food.
I really hope that you come out the other end of all of this and that life begins to get easier because I know its not easy when you are in a state of depression but if you ever feel the need to end it all please think about what you are doing. suicide is Never the answer!!
please keep posting we are all hear for each other
smirfy :)
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Thanks smirfy :)
Its strange the way our minds do such weird things during depression, during my first complete breakdown I became terrified of car parks, something I've never got over completely and still feel anxious about parking 20 odd years later.
I normally love the garden and being outdoors but this episode of depression i've been hit with agorophobia, at first I couldn't even bear to open the door to look outside and its still a struggle not to have a panic attack at the thought of open spaces.
I'm determined to beat this damned illness but I know its going to be a long and bumpy road ahead.
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Zaf I know what you mean about loving being in the garden and the great outdoors its so peaceful and easy to escape from everyday life so I can understand that suffering from agorophobia must be absolute hell.
Never having suffered from this myself I couldn't even begin to think what it must be like and I am sorry this is happening to you but I think it is brilliant that you have the determination to beat your illness. I think that once you get to that point you become much stronger and willing to get up the energy to beat the depression and not let it take over your life.
People keep telling me that I have to hit rock bottom to start building my life back up and this terrifies me as I know that so far I havn't hit rock bottom or had a break down and I guess what I would really like to know if you dont mind talking about it is how you stop yourself from hitting rock bottom and having a breakdown because Im not exactly stable and could quite easily hit rock bottom.
keep fighting and dont let the illness overtake you
smirfy
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I'm not sure that you have to hit rock bottom before you can start rebuilding your life smirfy, and whats rock bottom for some people may be different from another. I can tell you of my experience but it may well be different from other people here, perhaps they can tell you after I recount my experience.
My big breakdown came as a huge shock, although looking back now I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner, I had been under huge stress for over 2 years at work, the whole workplace had and I since have realised that at least 4 of my close colleagues had been treated for depression (one so bad he had to be kept in hospital), my line manager committed suicide a month or two she and I had an argument, none of us were offered counselling, not even the young typist that found her and her dog in the car 2 days after she had done it. I partly blamed myself for her death, which was probably unjustified. I'd been feeling very tired and sort of isolated for a few weeks then one day when I'd had a normal and fairly good day and suddenly it was like a fuse had blown, I'd just got back from a local cross country event and suddenly I was in tears, wouldnt (or couldn't?) get out of the vehicle, wouldnt let my husband near me, he phoned a close friend who got me indoors somehow and I went to bed, the following morning I was having panic attacks at the thought of getting up and couldn't bear the curtains open. My OH had to get the doc out as I couldn't get out of bed and I was diagnosed and started getting treatment. I think it was about 2 months before I went outside and then not on my own, I had about 6 months off work and it was a slow process feeling anything like normal, I hated being on the medication and I now realised I took myself off it much much too soon.
I'm convinced if I hadn't ignored or misinterpreted the symptoms leading up to my breakdown it could have been prevented, I didnt realise I was depressed and I'm sure if I had gone and got treatment earlier the breakdown wouldn't have happened. I've heard so many times from different sources that "only the strong get depression" because apparently strong people battle on and on where weaker people give up, perhaps there's something in that, I don't know. But you may have noticed I, along with several others, encourage everyone that comes on here to see their GP to get their treatment started as soon as they possibly can.
Since then I have been able to recognise the symptoms creeping up - mostly lethargy, short temper, unexplained tiredness, anxiety, disrupted sleeping and eating patterns and apathy - and go to my GP as soon as I realise what is happening (my symptoms are usually triggered by a period of prolonged stress). This time I realised I needed to go to the doc and made an appointment for the following week but for some reason everything suddenly got worse much more quickly than usual and I had a sort of mini-breakdown which thankfully has been fairly short lived and I am now 'only' very badly clinically depressed.
I hope all that has helped, if you want to know anything else please dont hesitate to ask and I will answer best I can, sharing experiences hopefully can help us all, I've certainly learned a few helpful things in the short time I've been a member here.
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Hi zaf
thanks for your reply I really appreciate your honesty and advice.
Im not really up for writing loads tonight but I would like to get back to you on the subject when I am clearer minded
until then
smirfy
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When you are ready smirfy I'll be glad to help in any way I can.
Z
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Wow Zaf... you really have been through it! I really think there is something about the 'Only the strong get depression' - I read the article you recommended the other day and could really see the links. I have often felt like a bit of a 'perfectionist' - if its worth doing, you do it well, everything I do, I put 110% into and I can tell from reading your posts you are very similar - also that desire to just want to help everyone, its a good personality trait to have, but evidently, it takes its toll....
Thankyou again so much for sharing - its hard when we are so low to realise how we are helping others, but I can assure you, you really are :) I hope you continue to get stronger and that the worst of this depression has been and gone &*( xx
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I've just had a very positive counselling session exploring my feelings and ways I can say "no" to people asking me to do things and why I feel it impossible to delegate tasks, both of which of course add to my stress and leads to my episodes of depression when I get so overloaded I sort of blow a fuse.
I'm gladI i'm able to help, I certainly get loads of help here and its nice to be able to give something back :)
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Hi zaf
sorry I wasn't massivly up for writing lots the other day I have been really tired over the past couple of days.
I think that you are really strong and it must have been really hard having a break down I couldn't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. I think that there is deffinetally something in what you said 'that only the strong get depression' if you research people that have suffered from depression and bipolar disorder lots of them are amzing artists, musicians, writers etc I think it has lots to do with the amount of stress that we put ourselves under in life trying to succeed.
I to fource myself to make everything perfect I am a complete perfectionist when it comes to my art work or when I am being creative. I cannot stand mess or something not looking right it drives me insane and it is very time consuming.
I wanted to thank you for talking about your breakdown and not ignoring the symptoms of your condition because I think that this is something I do especialy when I am at uni and stressed out. The amount of times I have nearly hit breaking point whilst at uni because I have ignored my body telling me to slow down is unbelievable which is why I am amazed that I have managed to avoid ending up in hospital or having a mass breakdown.
I have decided that once I go back to uni in september I am going to start taking all the medication that my psychiatrist can perscribe and see somebody on a weekly basis so that I dont get to breaking point and fail my last year of uni.
thank you because you have done me a huge favour talking about your breakdown
smirfy
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smirfy I can relate so well with what you say about wanting everything to be perfect because its the same with me.
It sounds you have taken a big step towards beating this horrible illness which shows how strong you can be
I'm so pleased that I have been able to help :)
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:'( I feel so crap, im so tired but can't sleep, I am possibly going to face the loss of my nan this year which I am very very sad about as we are extremely close.
I am going off to uni in six weeks which I am petrafied about because its a new place, new city, away from my family and I am going to have to start a new life and make new friends.
I have felt so so low for nearly two weeks and it feels like I am never going to come out the other side. I just want to die!!
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Is it all possible to delay going to uni till you feel better smirfy? It seems a lot to cope with on top of depression and the possibility of losing your gran :'(
It might be a good idea going back to your doc if you feel so desperately low and cant sleep
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I am staying with family at the moment but I go back home next weekend and I am going to try and get an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist.
I have been so anti medication since my psychiatrist reccomended them but I have realised that I need to stop fighting it and go on the meds for a while otherwise I am just going to keep sinking especialy if I do end up losing my nan which will near enough kill me.
ughhh I need to be strong for my family at the moment God knows there is enough going on without me adding to it.
I wish I could delay going back to uni but I cannot start on a negative I need to start with everyone else so that I do not fall behind like I did last time but I am going to talk to uni services and see what they can offer in the way of mental health support because I am deffinetally going to need it.
thanks for listening to me ramble
smirfy
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I think you're right to get on medication, I hated the thought to begin with but I do know that when they find the right ones for you they will help, just remember they often take 4-6 weeks to kick in and then they may well adjust the dose for you after that. Apart from very vivid dreams (none of which have ever been unpleasant) I have never had any side effects so hopefully that will reassure you a bit.
&*(
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Hey smirfy.... Medication is scary, but I am so pleased you are going to give it a go. This is such a huge thing, its too big to fight off on your own - also, you have so much going on. In my opinion, once you find the right ones they just help to make things a bit more bearable and manageable. Yes, side effects are scary - but they should pass within the first few weeks.
I really admire you for still going ahead with uni - its something I never managed to do, even when I was well!
Please be assured, we are all here to help when and where we can, even if its 'just' listening &*(
Take care, please remember (and I know its so hard to think like this...) your first priority has to be YOU xx
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:'( I dont want to live like this anymore, I just want to die.
please please somebody help me how do I go to my psychiatrist and tell her that in two weeks I have managed to become completely suicidal and want to die without her having me sectioned under the mental health act. which she keeps threatening??
oh god this is hopeless :'( :'(
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hi smirfy. we all go through periods where we feel suicidal. i can be fine one day and the next i.m plotting my demise. your psychiatrist sounds like a throwback to the dark ages. threatening you with being sectioned isnt going to help ypu at all,just make you more anxious. it is usually the very last resort to be sectioned,if thats a help for you, because the wards of the psychiatiric units are full to bursting. how long have you been on your meds ? they might need changing or the dosage upping . where theres life, there is always hope ;)
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smirfy, go straight back to your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling, dont wait two weeks to tell the psychiatrist.
See if there are any support groups in your area if you can, or phone/email the samaritans.
You can beat this, we all can but sometimes it just doesnt seem like we can :'(
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Smirfy you need help now - not in two weeks. As Zaf says, go to your doctors, phone the Samaritans or even call an ambulance/go to A&E. It is awful when we go down so quickly and I'm sure the threat of being sectioned is not helping matters - i've always thought of it as a real last resort. You are under great stress with your nan and uni starting soon, so don't beat yourself up too much, it would be a stressful time for anyone - nevermind someone fighting depression as well. &*(
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I have only been seeing my psychiatrist for a couple of months now and one of the first things she told me was that if I came in and told her that I wanted to commit suicide she would consider having me hospitalised under the mental health act as I hadn't told anybody else other than her how I was feeling or about my condition and she was concerned that it would be to easy for me to kill myself.
I should probably mention that I havn't started any of the suggested meds as I have been really anxious about the side effects that they would produce but I realised last night that I cannot go any longer without them as things are getting far too dangerous for me.
I still feel incredibly low and suicidal and it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders at the moment but It will pass once I am back home and seeing my GP and psychiatrist. I have decided to go home this weekend which is much earlier that I had expected as I have been staying with family whilst visiting my nan.
thank you for all your comments
smirfy
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You really do need those meds smirfy, you need them to start to improve, if you possibly can you should tell your doc how you feel (and that you havent been taking your meds).
I'm sorry if it seems that we are nagging but its only because we have your welfare at heart &*(
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Zaf you are a star
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I just came across the perfect quote for me.
“Insanity comes in two basic varieties: slow and fast... Viscosity and Velocity are opposites, yet they can look the same. Viscosity causes the stillness of disinclination; velocity causes the stillness of fascination. An observer can’t tell if a person is silent and still because inner life has stalled, or because inner life is fascinatingly busy.â€
smirfy21
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Thanks for sharing that smirfy, I like it too :)
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Very true Smirfy - thanks for sharing :)
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aww Smirfy- PLEASE take the meds and go back to the doctors..............you don't have to feel like this and we are here if you need to talk/vent
xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thanks Janey. I think I will be going to the GP next week and getting a perscription filled.
I cannot carry on living my life like this and now that things are very slowly beginning to get easier I think that I need to go down the medication root.
smirfy
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So glad that things are getting easier- hang on in there! XX
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I think you've taken a step in the right direction smirfy, depression is a chemical inbalance and you do need the right meds to get on the road to recovery.
Dont forget everyone will help and support you as much as we can &*(
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thanks
still got to talk to my family when they get back and decide what im doing as my psychiatrist is keen for me to spend some time in hospital as she seems to think that I need the help and I can't help but think that at some point she is just going to take matters into her own hands and have me sectioned under the mental health act which is why I try bloody hard to seem as sane as possible when I go to my appointments.
anyway I appreciate everyones kind words and all of your support and I will let you know how things go and what choice I make
smirfy :)
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Telling my family this morning was extremely frustrating. dad just made a joke out of everything and then got angry, mom already new about the depression so it didn't come as much as a surprise but when my psychiatrist told her that she felt I needed to be in hospital as I had told her I wanted to die and was refusing to take any medication that was when she got angry and made it personal but my shrink was brilliant and managed to make her see that my life is unstable and that I desperately need medical help before it ends my life.
I told mom I thought it was a good idea for me to spend some time in hospital because I can't see myself getting any better or willing to take the meds on a daily basis, that I felt I couldn't control my bulimia any more and that it is making me extremely ill and that I wanted to take some time out from uni in order to deal with my health.
dad left and I havn't seen him all morning.
The outcome of all this is that I am going to become an outpatient on the psych ward so that meds can be overlooked, I have to take part in group therapy and I have to go to the bulimia clinics on a weakly basis which I desperately need but dread.
everything is going to get better one day
smirfy :-\
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It sounds perhaps as though your dad didnt realy know how to handle the news, I hope given time he'll come to undstand and accept your situation. Mental health problems still have a huge stigma attached to them, my parents acted completely out of character when I had my first breakdown and my mum still denies I have depression despite the diagnosis.
I'm really glad you seem to have made a firm decision how to tackle things and you have taken the first steps to recovery xx
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Dad really has no idea how to deal with this and its clear that he doesn't know how to act either because he hasn't said a word to me all day.
he has however taken all the knives out of the cutlery draw, all the cleaning products out of the cuboards, taken the lock off my door and removed all the glass from my photo frames, and removed all the meds from the meds cuboard.
As if this whole thing wasn't enough of a nightmare he has to go and make it ten times worse! :( I wish that I could make this easier for him but as I can't even control my own life or emotions I don't know how to help him.
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His actions do seem to show he cares deeply for you smirfy even though he isnt handling things well from your point of view, I would suggest he contacted a depression support group but it sounds that he may not be ready yet, if you have the energy you could perhaps find out if there is such a group in your area and leave the details somewhere he could find them in his own time.
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trying to get my dad to see someone or talk to a professional really would be like trying to teach a fish to fly. he came in and said good night to me last night so thats a start at least but everything is going to take time.
mom has been good this week but I do feel a bit like a prisoner in my own home however I guess that if I had been sectioned things wouldn't be much different I probably wouldn't have been able to leave there either.
smirfy
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Its really hard when our parents get so badly affected by our illness :( but as you say he has started speaking to you and being at home has got to be better than in a hospital.
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My local mental health team has a carer support person who my mum now sees every two weeks. It's odd to think of her as my carer as I'm 37 but hey ho.
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Oh gawwd I never thought about it like that. I went to a boarding school so my folks have never really been in a position where they are having to look after me so its pretty odd them doing it now.
the whole carer thing scares the hell out of me I never want to put anyone into that position.
smify
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Sorry smirfy didn't mean to freak you out. Am sure your parents want to be as helpful and supportive as they can be. I don't really think of my mum as my carer but without her I'd be lost at the moment. I know I don't talk about my dad much but he's in his 80s and a bit deaf so isn't able to be quite as supportive. Plus he's a generation that really just doesn't get it.