Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Nissa on February 23, 2011, 08:12:25 AM
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Hello!
Found this forum yesterday. Not sure what I hope to achieve by posting here but just needed to talk I guess?
I had Post Natal Depression 7 years ago with my first baby, quite badly. As a result I've only just started to properly bond. I was on and off meds coz I didnt take them. Anyway it was a hairy time but I had a second baby 3 years later. I felt so fantastic, but was shocked to find I had pnd with the second one too! I refused meds completely and I thought I felt totally normal. About a year or so later my friend made me go back to the doc who was less than helpful. I dealt myself and felt better eventually but had another few very bad episodes over the next few years. The only help I've had is 2 weeks off a job I had, signed off with stress and anxiety. I've since made and cancelled appts. Not sure why.
Anyway, in the last year I've been particularly bad. Each episode is lasting a few months and the relief in between is light. I'm completely exhausted. I'm bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. The second the children dont listen to me I just feel anger building inside and have to leave the room and scream into a pillow, or cry, again! Was having a good day yesterday till my husband took something the wrong way and bam, I spent the rest the day in tears. I sleep for ages and still wake up tired. I look forward to little things but once its over i'm back to square 1. I just wanna get out of here and run away and if I didnt have the children, I think I might, or worse.
I don't know if its still pnd, it feels slightly different, or if its general. I think its possible I suffered before I had children. I've booked another appt for next week, but I'm dreading it.
Sorry for the essay! :-)
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Having just reread my essay it doesnt sound half as bad as I feel. I wish I could better explain myself. Have read other posts here and struggle to get through them without tears. My stomach is in knots as I type and I feel physically sick with nerves. Not sure whether to laugh or cry?
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Hi Nissa. !"£
Depression is hard to explain. Don't worry, I know how it feels, 'cos I've been there (although not pnd), and so have most people on the forum. I guess pnd may have more to do with hormones than other sorts of depression, but whether it's pnd or some other sort of depression may not matter. The point is that you need help to get through it. Joining the forum is a good start, you can say anything on here, rant or whatever, people will listen and understand and try to help. You've also made a good step in making an appointment; keep it if you can, what have you got to lose? If your doctor isn't very helpful, try and find a different one, or ask to get referred to someone who deals with mental/emotional problems.
Meantime, try to be gentle with yourself. Depression can be physically and mentally exhausting (never mind having 2 children!) so don't worry about feeling tired, just do the best you can.
Best wishes, bel
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Hi Nissa a warm !"£ to the forum, all gret advice from Bel. Sometimes when I am so low and have a rant on here or makes notes for my CBT when I go back and read over the things I wonder if it is a different person has written them ::) unfortunately this is part of the depression. Take care and as Bel says be kind to yourself
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Than you both :-)
I'm not sure why I cancel the appts. Frightened they'l think theres nothing wrong with me, frightened they'll think I'm round the twist? No idea.
Another bad day today. I'm totally drained. Its the first day I've managed to say more than a few words about it to my husband. He just doesn't understand! Who can blame him? Neither do I! He asks why and I say I dont know, it winds him up. He always tries to find an excuse, he hates the D word, I cant even find it myself to say it to him anymore, but I think for the first time he is accepting it could be. I thpught I'd feel better but I dont!? I feel more knotted up than ever! I think he's quite upset by it which upsets me. I'm scared he's a bit cross. But even worse I think he's worried about the kids being with me. If it weren't for them I think I'd have completely lost my head a long time ago, they keep me sane whilst driving me crazy, maybe coz I know I have to cope coz I have no one to help me. I still habe a week until my appointment. But this is the first day I've felt frightened.
While telling my husband I started laughing!? Nerves? Embarrassment? Not sure! But he just looked at me and asked what I was laughing at and I immediately burst into tears. He must think I'm totally crazy. And I don't blame him. I just wisj I could run away, but in reply to his question, I dont know where to and I dont know what from. Sorry
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Nissa nothing to apologise on here. You are bewildered and your husband is bewildered, but your behaviour is nothing new to most of us on here. I was the big decision maker the shoulder to cry on the one who could handle all situations my husband finds its difficult to accept the "other" person I have become. Its all about breaking the cycle of depression and I understand the logistics of it and its putting into practise. Assure your husband he has nothing to worry about and how much love him and the kids and how the kids are giving you the stability. Also don't be afraid of going to your appointment and asking for help. Also try and have a little me time like doing something you enjoy, even its something like a long soak in the bath and listening to music, take care.
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Thank you. :-)
Think he feels he's walking on eggshells at the moment. So am I a little.
Just have to hold out for my appt next week.
Thank you again.
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It's a tough time for both of you. My husband is a very strong and capable person but had a hard time dealing with my depression; I think he felt very frustrated because he couldn't understand and couldn't make it better.
So try to be gentle with yourselves.
Best wishes x