Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Jess on December 14, 2010, 08:20:02 PM
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Hiya, yep its me again,
I suppose its just one of those weeks, everyday i think of suicide or at least causing some serious self harm, at the moment i have managed to fight off these feelings but honestly im so trired of doing that. The things i would do just to escape for a little while ( i don't mean drugs ).
I know my depression is getting worse because i have found myself judging how i look as so if i did decide to kill myself, i would not look messy or dirty. Somedays i think 'yes today is fine, if i was to die today that would be fine' others i think 'better wash my hair if i want to slit my throat'. I know i need help, i know i do but some little part of me just wants to pretend that this is just a phase and that it will all work out.
I deliberatly didn't take any medication for two days last week, just to see how long any effects would be, i came to my senses and took my injections, although i did pay the price for my lapse of sanity. I felt so stupid that i couldn't go through with it, maybe if i was alone then i may have but seen as i was surrounded by people 24/7, im pretty sure they would notice if i just collapsed on the floor.
Some days i don't feel like dying some i just wish i was in a coma - just some sort of release from life, that may sound stupid or even a little inappropriate but honestly i can't help what my mind desires.
Thanks for reading, Jess xx
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Hi Jess good to hear from you hun sorry you are unwell at the moment, but you know you are such a wee Jem (should call u that lol) and so wise with your words helping other on the forum. This time of year can be such a trial with all the so called merriment and pressure, have had a horrible time over the past fews with the addition of chest pain. Take care
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Jess, you're coming here and being honest which is giving me a kick up the backside. Should really be posting but I have a bad habit of withdrawing into myself and completely avoid situations that will help ::) .... I've been waking up for about the past 2 or 3 weeks wishing I could just curl up and die. Been to see the dr today who has prescribed me meds. Fortunately I have a doctor whohas a great sense of human and knows how to deal with me so I came out feeling better without starting on the meds &^%
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Hi Jess, I too have the same thoughts as you are having im always trying to find a reason not to harm myself like I couldnt do anything now as its almost christmas and if I did noone that cares would be happy on christmas. Maybe you too need to find yourself a reason also? Anyway hope you feel better.
Junior
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Hi Jess (and Lightenup and Ezel and Junior)
So sorry to hear you're all having a tough time. I know it's so hard but please don't give up. What else can I say? Thinking of you all.
bel
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Thank you all for your replies, the shear juxtaposition of my emotions at this time of year seems pitiful, anyway I hope you all feel better :) speak soon xx
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Hi jess, I always find that around October November December and January and some of february are prime months for me to feel absolutely desolate and suicidal. These are the months that I usually end up back at the Doctor and increasing my AD. Perhaps in the lack of sunlight, the dull weather. I know it doesn't help.