Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Hanny on December 27, 2013, 10:04:12 AM
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I'm not very good at the whole introducing myself thing tbh.
I guess I could tell you my story but it's long and hard to put into words. The long and short of it is that life hasn't been easy. I suffer from depression, post traumatic stress disorder and dissociation.
I used to have a normal life, I was a successful project manager, I had friends, family and most importantly my 2 boys who were 10 and 8 but I lost everything when I had to flee my home. Now I live hundreds of miles away from that place, nobody back there even knows where I am except for my pathetic excuse for a mother.
So that's me now, alone, socially isolated, penniless, jobless, heart broken and just waiting for the end to come.
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Hi Hanny,
I am sorry you are going through all of this. You are having to deal with so much and deserve support. Are the children with their father?
If I'm reading this correctly your children aren't with you, that must be very hard to deal with.
Pip
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Hi Pip
Yes you're right my children aren't with me, I haven't seen them for 4 months and haven't spoken to them in 3 months. They are with their father and he's more than happy to have me out of the picture, we separated 4 years ago after 7 years of marriage, which in itself was hell on earth, he used underhanded tactics to get the children and so I've only seen them on weekends for the past 4 years.
I had to leave my home to protect my children and those close to me from an abusive ex partner that was persuing me. I question every day whether things could have worked out differently but as hard as it is to live with, I stand by my decision to sacrifice myself so my children can be safe
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I apologise, I don't always make sense, I fled by home 4 months ago. Sometimes my thoughts don't quite connect in the right way and things get jumbled up
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Welcome Hanny :hug:
Being able to use this site when i was in my most recent dark period proved invaluable to me and having people not judge me and support me was an amazing coping mechanism, i couldnt really talk to people close to me about things and still cant because they are part of the problem themselves.
Ill probably be on here more than i have been the past couple of months but just wanted to welcome you and empathise with your story so far.
I know it can be daunting at first but theres alot of good people here. Youve just met one of them.
See you around
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Hi Hanny
So sorry to hear what you are going through, I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you not to see your boys. You have made an amazing sacrifice to ensure they are safe; that must have taken a lot of strength on your part and it is so sad that this has left you alone, feeling isolated and so unhappy.
I hope using this site helps you to feel a little less isolated, it has certainly been a big help to me. People here are friendly, supportive and it helps to talk about how you are feeling without thinking that you are being a 'bother'.
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Thank you pip, Craig and JC. From what I've seen you have a good supportive community here.
I suppose I get some support from the NHS, I have been seeing a psychiatric nurse after I tried to commit suicide 2 months ago but he tells me he doesn't know what to do with me, he's referred me to see I psychiatrist but I see the hopelessness in his eyes when he talks to me because he knows that there's nothing they can do to make things better.
I wouldn't say it took great strength to run away, I think it was just instinct, protect the people you care about. I've spent 4 months running and fighting, struggling to survive and now I'm being thrown back into normal society and that scares me more than anything.
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Hi Hanny, welconr to the forums.
sorry ti se you are having such a bad time, and have had a bad time in the past.
unfortunatly depresion is one of those hidden deiisabilities, and it is only yourself and those you tell or are closest to you know it is there.
have you spoke with your doc about things? there are plenty of medications around, some work better than others, but how well they work can also be difrent for everyone.
Also i would recoment finding out if there is a MIND office in your area, they have some great suppoer workers.
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Hi Stewart
I went to my GP who prescribed me sertraline for anxiety but I overdosed on it a few days later. They've put me back on the sertraline and it does help the anxiety but without the anxiety to focus on my brain goes off on one and the depression and other symptoms have got worse.
I don't want the anxiety back but I don't want to feel like this either. I've been referred to Health in Mind by the psych dept and also referred for EMDR therapy and to see a psychiatrist.
I live in a staffed refuge at the moment so I have a support worker but they're not mental health trained.
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Wanting to keep your sons safe says much about you as a mother who will do what it takes to keep them safe. It doesn't take away the pain of not being able to see them everyday though. That is one issue that professionals won't understand. Society expects mothers to sacrifice everything for their children and also to keep raising them. Professionals don't always 'get it' that sometimes mothers have to walk away from their children. I can only imagine how you feel about that.
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Thanks pip, a lot of people don't seem to understand it, people try and compare it to losing a grandad or an aunt but losing 2 children is so much worse than that. My family don't understand, they seem to think I ran off to have a jolly good time, they seem to understand what I went through after I left or the things I went through that caused me to have to leave.
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Hanny, sometimes I think people try to compare it with losing another relative to try and understand but it's nothing like that. My situation is different to yours yet I can empathise. When I was 19 I went through an extreme form of coercion aka bullying and lying to get me to surrender my son. My mum was the worst offender and used lines like I would lose my job if I kept my son therefore I wouldn't get benefits because I chose my son over my job. My parents would kick me out if I kept my son so I wouldn't get social housing as I chose my son over a roof over my head and I wouldn't be able to afford private rented. Again I wouldn't get any help or support because I chose him over everything else. I would lose my son because I was homeless so I may as well agree to him being adopted. There was more but you get the picture. The adoption agency was almost as bad which was partly because by 1981 when my son was born infant adoption was already dropping due to single mothers knowing they could claim benefits and get social housing. I wasn't told my rights, didn't sign anything, never saw any paperwork, I never agreed to him being adopted, I didn't even know I couldn't consent to relinquish my son until he was at least 6 weeks old. I found out 23 years and post reunion that what happened to me is legally known as a forced adoption and is illegal but social workers get away with it because parents don't know their rights.
The emotions I have been through are very profound and it is like an invisible amputation. It took me a long time to forgive my parents for what they put me through and my mum went to her grave believing what she did was right. Sadly the lies continued as my son found my family when he was 18 and they told him they didn't know where I was. My mum even wrote him a letter which I have since seen telling him to accept I didn't want to be found which my mum knew was a lie. I found him a couple of days after his 23rd birthday. My son's world was blown apart as he finally found out out I had wanted to raise him, my family had known where I was and they hadn't told me they had contact with him.
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I'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through and I can empathise. I don't think anything can compare to losing a child. My family got in the way of me maintaining contact with my children so I can empathise with that. I think it leaves a gaping emptiness that nothing can fill. I've tried to full fill it with alcohol, men, drugs both illegal and prescription but nothing makes you feel better. People expect you to just carry on as though they never existed and I can't do that. Being a mother is all I've known since I was 17 and I don't know how to stop being one.
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People expect you to just carry on as though they never existed and I can't do that.
Yes I was expected to do that, forget about my son, get on with my life and I 'would have more children'. Even though I didn't raise my son I couldn't forget him so how can you do that when you have been a mother to your children. It infuriates me when people think like that. Your children are part of who you are and nothing can destroy that. I have gone through periods when I have drunk too much just to blot out the pain but it was a quick fix and I knew it wouldn't help in the long run.
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It infuriates me when people say you can have more children, I don't everwant any more children, the heart break is too much to bear. drink is never the solution it always ends up making you feel worse he refuge I live in is a dry house so drinking isn't really an option.
I don't think the fact that you didn't get to raise your son makes the pain any less real, it's the knowledge that they're out there somewhere and you don't know if they'll ever know the truth or if they'll end up hating you.
My support workers tell me that I should be going out to meet people and make friends but I find it impossible to get close to people because I find myself lying about my past to avoid people asking questions and they always come to the conclusion that I'm a mental case if I'm honest about who I am and what I've been through. I find it impossible to imagine that I will ever have a "normal" life again. I'm stuck in limbo, I can't go back and I can't move forwards. My head spends all day just reliving the moments of the past, the good memories and the bad ones, sometimes I don't even know where I am or who I am.
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I forgot to add in my last post that I haven't had more children even though we wanted them.
My son is a very angry man which isn't helped by the fact that he found out that I was coerced into surrendering so he grew up believing a lie which was I didn't want to raise him. My family reinforced this by keeping up the lie then my mum in effect rejected him twice first at birth then when he found my family. He did have contact on and off with my dad, my sister and her family. Now he is angry with both natural and adoptive families so has little to do with either family and apparently under his partner's thumb. Last year I found out he has a son now so not only do I not know my grandsons name I don't even know when he was born.
I understand what you mean about not wanting to get close to other people. Once you get hurt by the people you should be able to trust it's hard to get close to anybody else. I;ve been married for 20 years and still find it hard to get close to anybody.
You're definitely not a mental case though. How you feel is absolutely normal but other people don't 'get it' because they haven't lived through your experiences.
I remember when I had counselling through After Adoption I got absolutely no help or understanding from the counsellor. She had had 6 weeks training, hadn't being the job long and was used to elderly ladies who wanted the 'sympathy and tea' help. I was an angry 42 year old so it floored her. She got more out of me than the other way round as I had started getting support from an adoption forums.
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I completely understand why you didn't have any more children. I feel like if I moved on with my life and found happiness again that I'd be cheating my boys, I don't deserve to have a good life after my bad decisions ruined theirs. The hardest part is that they'll never know the truth about what happened and why I left. I know they'll be angry and I can understand your son's anger my family was torn apart when I was a child and I still can't forgive my father for not being there for us or my mother for what happened.
My work sent me to see a councillor at the start of the year because I was signed off sick for 2 and a half months suffering from amnesia, time skips and blackouts, this was before I left and lost my children, she told me she couldn't help me because I was too damaged. If I was too damaged back then then what hope do I have now. I also spoke to a support worker from victim support about the things my ex boyfriend had done to me and she told me that I was emotionally damaged and that my life would end up self destructing because of the things that had happened to me and because I couldn't get over them and that I would end up hurting everyone close to me but she never offered me any help. I went to my GP and told him about the way I felt, I even confessed that I carried a kitchen knife in my bag to protect myself and that I was getting intense feelings of hatred towards men that I didn't even know, I told him that I was scared that I would end up hurting someone if my head went off on one but he didn't take me seriously. It had to get to the point where I'd lost everything and tried to kill myself before anyone would listen.
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It's disgusting how you have been treated When you see a consellor, doctor or anybody else who is supposed to help you that's exactly what should happen even if means passing you on to someone who can help. Do find anybody telling you to get a grip on life and to get medical help?
I occasionally have run ins with an adoptive mother on Y!A (yahoo answers) who periodically gets it in her head that it's about time I let go of the past, got counselling and move on. It's got to the stage that I have blocked her now and report her to the yahoo team when she is nasty about me or anybody else.
You do deserve a good life. We all make mistakes in our lives but it doesn't mean we have to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives. I spent too many years beating myself up over what happened in the past but I eventually realized I shouldn't punish myself for what other people did. My son was angry before we reunited which I expected and he has reason to be angry now and towards me. However one of the reasons we fell out was because he was blaming me for all his mistakes and all that was wrong in his life. I apologised to him for anything I did to hurt him but I refused to apologise to him fore his own mistakes or the hurt others caused him.
With your sons there may come a time when they will want to hear your side of events. I'm not saying they wont be angry but they may be mature enough to accept what's happened. The important thing is if you can have a relationship with them that they know you love them no matter what, that you know what mistakes you made and that you have done your best to change things. You are trying to make your life better even though the professional help hasn't been good. You can prove that you are trying your best which includes reaching out here for support.
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That woman on Yahoo should be reported to the police for harassment if she continually victimises you. Nobody around me told me to get a grip, they all said you're the strong one you'll be fine. I think because I was always the one to step up and help, people when they needed it they just thought that I'm the one that helps not the one that falls apart. I think my mother ignored what was going on because I don't think she could cope with knowing she messed up all 3 of her daughters so I had to be alright.
I know people say you shouldn't beat yourself up but it's hard, I think about my boys all the time and I know that they're hurting so it makes it so much worse. I don't blame you for saying to your son that you're not going to apologise for the mistakes he's made. I find it incredible how one decision can impact on you for the rest of your life. I spend far too long pondering all the decisions I've made trying to work out the exact point at which it all went wrong. I unpick it down to the minutest decision even down to what I was wearing when I met people.
we all make mistakes it's part of life and we have to learn from them but when things keep going wrong no matter what you do to try and make things right you get to the point where you just give up trying. Stuck in limbo, don't want to let go of the past and too tired of fighting and too terrified of what the future holds to move forwards.
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That woman I can deal with as she soon shuts up as so many people get annoyed. There have been occasions though when I have had to do something. Two years running I went through a few months of cyber bullying from someone who claimed to be British or Irish who had surrendered a child, got married and adopted her step daughter, had spoken to her daughter and they were quite happy to not have contact, her adopted died then she was pregnant in 2012 which was the second year of cyber bullying me. She also claimed to be a court clerk and insisted there was no such thing as coerced / forced adoption because a mother 'had to sign the Consent to Relinquish form in Court.' Not all mothers do sign it in court and years ago it was more likely that the mother of the mother surrendering her baby or social worker to sign the form. I have personally got to know mothers who not only know they didn't sign the form but they have also proven it. Anyway this particular woman continually called me a liar, told me I felt guilty for choosing adoption and blamed other people for my mistakes, and, used one of my blogs and an interview (on youtube in two parts) my husband and I did on This Morning to out me as a liar all because the word coerced wasn't used in the interview. People who know me backed me up and pointed out that the interview was about reunion not coerced adoption. Both years running I and other people reported all the questions and answers she posted that she believed outed me as a liar. The worst ones were removed. In both years I eventually emailed the Yahoo team and told them that if they didn't do anything I would, quoted three British laws on cyber bulling and told them I had copies of all the questions and answers where she had attacked me. I also pointed out that if she didn't stop I would involve the police and that did the trick.
The other person I had problems with was last year with someone who tried joining here. I sent him asking for information he hadn't supplied and in return I got several abusive emails which included threats. He joined up under another username with false information and another member of the admin team approved him without realizing it was the same person. He then posted several abusive posts with threats towards me mainly but also to other members in general. We did get the police involved during this time who were able to find him then asked me what course of action I wanted taken. As I believed he was severely depressed all I wanted for him was professional help so they were able to do this so a positive end to it.
I completely understand how you feel over trying to live a normal life, without beating yourself up / not being able to find the strength to move on. Emotionally I was in limbo for 23 years and I still have my bad times. It doesn't help when you know you can't change the past and can only hope is that one day your sons will understand why you had to leave them.