Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: georgeboy on November 13, 2013, 10:44:51 AM
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This is my first post.
Im newly married with 2 kids, a new house and work is ok.
But im unable to enjoy anything because im so depressed. Have anxiety and obsessive thoughts.
I had come off my latest anti depressant as life was good and thought i could cope.
I cant. I dont want the side effects.
Im currently trying st johns wort 1000mg and B vitamins but they seem to be doing nothing. Im gonna try SAMe also to see if that helps.
Im barely sleeping, find enjoyment in nothing, have few close friends (depression over the years bas made me make myself a recluse at times) and am finding it hard not to hate myself.
This was a nee prriod in my life, i thought a chance to kick on and make life happy for myself, wife and kids. Instead depression yet sgain rules my life, and i dont know if this is a life i want.
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Hi Georgeboy
I can honestly say that on much of what you have said I am feeling the same with the one difference that I do not take any form of medication.
I to am only recently married after being with my now wife 11 years preciously and I am finding myself asking was it really the right thing to do? But at the same time there are a lot of factors behind that self questioning!
I am always available to talk to as are many others on here if you ever need it and it is always best to try and get things out in the open even if it is to a bunch of people you don't personally know!
So please let this be a positive step for you to be able to communicate anything you wish to and most importantly Welcome to the forum you really are not alone!
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:welcome:
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thanks redalex for taking the time to reply.
I don't want to be on any medication but am struggling to cope at the moment and feel I need something. Im trying to go the more natural route with less side effects etc but so far haven't found anything that helps.
I love my wife and believe she is the one for me but I suppose im starting to have doubts also as Ive only been married 6 months but ive been unhappy most of that time. When im down I obsess over her past before me, blokes she went with etc etc and that brings me further and further down, I wonder if she does really want me or if Im just the only guy who asked her.
Why do you think you may have done the wrong thing?
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Being depressed wont help the way you are feeling but it is a vicious circle. I'm not sure if it's just a 'man thing' or not obsessing over your wife's past but I have had a couple of female friends who have had the same worries about their husbands.
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Hey Georgeboy
First of all let me just say this, in my experience if a woman says yes to getting married to you and manage to make it through that emotional day she believes you are the one for her! At no point will she be thinking that you aren't the one for her! As long as you keep this in the front of your thoughts you'll be okay! As for the worrying about the people she was with before you all you have to remember there is that they helped to make the person you fell in love with! Just as any relationship you had before you met your wife helped to make you who you are today! If you start to over analyse such things you will only end up hurting the one you love! Yes when you are at your lowest you will feel as if you don't understand why she chose you, but I promise you the reasons she did are so powerful and will never disappear take them into your heart at every moment in the knowledge that she loves you just as much and maybe that little bit more than you do!
As for me the reasons behind why I question myself if I made the right decision are many and is something I won't go into them right now but keep an eye out on the 'I need a rant' forum as I am planning on putting something up in the near future about some of the issues that plague my mind. It sound like I maybe in a slightly different position to you though. Including the two years we have been married I have been with my wife for 13 years in total and we have a gorgeous 9yr old daughter.
I will leave it there for the moment but if you need to talk you can always leave me a message through the forums.
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Thanks Redalex
Thats good of you to say those things and i hope you are right. There is a lot more to it and suppose have only just scratched the surface but what you said did make me feel a little better. We have a beautiful daughter also. She is 3. Weve been together 5 years.
Same goes for me, if you want to share your troubles it can only help to sh.are them. Im happy to listen.
Cheers
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Hi both,
I have only just joined this site to have some like minded people to talk to and share concerns ,I have recently been diagnosed and have been prescribed Citalopram , i think i may be a bit like you i"ve been married 10 years to the man i love with every sense of my being but im insanly jealous and hate him being away from me ,not a problem day to day until ive had a few glasses of wine and then go on and on at him so i knocked any form of drinking on the head and went to see the doctor.. The reason i think im like you is im so in love this person i im jealous of what was and might be and cant rid the feelings ,that i doubt in myself that they love me even though they constantly declare it .I feel like i will end up driving him away if i dont get happy and be so called normal ,I have 3 children 1 true friend and no family to talk too xx
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Hi george, welcome to the forums.
coming off anti d's can be a dificult task, and should not be done without doctors advice, also there are many anti d's out there and some can have diferent effects on diferent people, unfortunatly it is not a one size fits all.
also the doc may perscribe a combination of tablets to find the ones that help you best.
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Thanks pip, being jealous is a horrible thing.
Stewart, thanks for the advice, I have just been to see my doctor to let her know what Im doing.
Lucy, I am familiar with some of the feelings you are having, being jealous of somebody you love is a horrible nasty feeling. I have come to realise that my main reasons for this jealousy of my wife stems from my own insecurities. Im at the moment torn between whether I should be discussing certain issues I have with her past in the hope that it might help me to deal with them and move on, or whether to let the past be the past and put it all down to my own problems and insecurities. If she knows just what I am thinking it could also start to push her away. From my own experiences I would say to you that your Husband obviously loves you and it is your own issues that you need to sort, maybe sometimes we start to look for problems where there aren't any when we are feeling depressed. Hopefully those tablets work for you and things start to get easier.
Having said that I probably aren't one to be trying to give advice
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Welcome lucyellen
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Firstly welcome Lucyellen ;D
Now to both you and Georgeboy, where as I can see where you are both coming from my position is slightly different in as much of the fact that jealousy is not part of my issues they are different on many different levels. But that is not to say that I am distancing myself from what you are going through because I am not. I am and have always been somebody who is here to help others no matter what the issue big or small and please anytime you feel as if you need to talk then please feel free toget in touch.
I will give a very basic overview of what is going on with me in regards to my relationship! For sometime now there has been a increasing lack of physical closeness (in the bedroom :-[) it became more and more obvious to me that any such moves or initiations were always begun by me. Now I don know how most people feel about this but to me such a physical nature of the relationship should always be a two way thing I'm not saying that she has ever stopped me or made me feel as if I was forcing her cause I would never do that but I truly got fed up with being the only one to start anything. And yes I have talked to her about this on more than one occasion and she always says that she wants things to be how they used to be but I've been having the same conversation over and over for more years than I would like to remember! To be honest I am more than a little fed up with it all! Couple that with the growing feeling we are more like friends than anything else and maybe you can get a small idea of what I am going through! Oh and then there is the small fact that she doesn't seem to see there are problems even though earlier this year I wrote her a 5 page letter telling her I wasn't happy.
Sorry I said a brief overview but I will ask this question..... how many times can a person have the same conversation before they give up completely ?????
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Well i can see where your coming from, my husband also had that conversation with me and this is what i told him , we have 3 small children and a large house that they ruin everyday so must be tidied constantly ,by the time he comes in from work and its time for us to go to bed you can tell hes sometimes moody and i know it sounds bad but its the last thing you want to do ,Now how we resolved that issue is getting away for the weekend talking and just building back up the romance the odd text here phone call there it doesnt sound alot but it means a great deal hope this helps in some way from a womans perspective :)But we are all walking in our shoes and not each others so i dont know if it will or not , the advice we can give each other is good if we can take something positive out it :)
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Hi Lucy
I can see where your coming from and I understand how that feels. We live in a two bed flat with a 9yr old daughter and even that can be hard to keep things tidy. But if the place gets too messy it is always me who ends up getting fed up and tidying rooms up on lore than one occasion in the past I have sent the girls out of the flat for a day just so I can completely blitz a room clean!
I will admit there have been some health issues that will have affected the way she feels but at the same time she knows that I understand and will never do anything when she doesn't feel up to it! But the point that really gets to me is that a physical relationship should be something that both people want to enjoy equally why is it always me who has to start things! I understand sex drives are different in different people but if that's the car that is all she has to say and she knows that! I would rather hear that from her than the usual answer of 'I want things to be the way they were before as well' and then just not do anything about it! But even though this is an important part of things in my eyes it really is the tip of the iceberg and like I said I wrote a 5 page letter to her she read it and has not talked about anything I raised in it and when I question that she feeds me the same line of I'm sorry I'll answer it soon! Sorry but my belief in her word is at an all time low and it's really starting to become a major issue! I know I should raise that with her but why when I know what the outcome will be ........ Nothing changes!
Maybe I should just accept that part of our relationship has gone
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Hi Refalex.
Whilst jealousy is a part of what im going through, there is loads more to it. I too believe things arnt as they should be sexually, and whilst i know she does love me i believe there is a spark missing, and a closeness that we used to have that just doesnt seem to be there anymore. Part of the jealousy stems from this, i know she had boyfriends and lovers before me and plenty of sex, which makes me ask myself why marry me, why didnt you marry one of those.
I have also talked about things to try and get us closer on several occasions but she says everything is fine and she doesnt understand what i want from her. This makes it sound like its all in my head but i know there is more to it than that. I would accept that it is me who needs to work at things with her also but a lot of it should come from her but she just cant see it.
To you redalex i would say dont give up. She admits things arent right and she wants them better, she maybe just doesnt know how to do that. There is maybe a different way to aproach it that might help her to change. Its maybe good that we can get some advice from a womens perspective also.
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Georgeboy i really think you should have someone (if available) to mind your daughter for a weekend and go somewhere quiet and pretty with your wife and Talk perhaps tell her its time you got your relationship back on track or make or break or perhaps ask her to write you a letter explaining her feelings , i think she has heard what your saying but if she ignores it, it will go away and things will be better i also think shes protecting your feelings by not telling you what she does feel ...
I dont tell my husband what bothers me because he is so level headed he wont understand ,my only friend lives in another country and i have no family(bar my own children) hes says im being ridiculous but he has all his family and friends he couldn't understand how i could talk to a stranger and not him but its just so much easier no one will argue back with you ...
I have a range of concerns and faults but i don't feel now is the time to share them but maybe in time :)
Red in regards to your wife you knew she had previous partners in fact i dont know anyone who has married that hasn't , but what you have to try and focus on is SHE CHOOSE YOU not some-other she married YOU had YOUR baby she clearly loves you very much i urge you to try and focus on that ..And all of that is worth saving :)
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I have confused both your names im so sorry but you will know which one is you by the topic :) x
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Lucy
I know what you are saying but it is hard to get those thoughts out of my head when im depressed. And it just makes me feel worse so its a vicious circle.
I sometimes think like this, she had all sexy underwear in drawers when i met her and condom wrappers and lots of lube under the bed. Shes not good at tidying up. These things come to my mind when im low or we arent close. She obviously had lots of sex before me.
I totally and absolutely fell in love with her. Treated her well, moved her into my house, gave her the child she wanted, married her, bought the house she wanted and car, im by no means a wealthy man but i work hard and had a little money.
I know money has nothing to do with it but my point is I kove her and have tried to do everything right and given her everything i can to make her happy.
I havent just met her and wanted sex with her, i have given her my heart and soul and material things also. Yet she will rarely ever dress up for me or to be totally honest seem that interested in sex. It breaks my heart thinking why and thinking about the things i know from her past is just like having a kick in the b**ls while im down.
Those thoughts get me so low and unhappy.
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Do you mind me asking how old you both are?
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Ha ha I'm the grand old age of 37!
And being the gentleman I am (cough cough) I won't ask how old you are Lucy lol
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LOL i meant Alex and his wife ,but i dont telling im the grand old age of 30 :)
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OOP
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George i meant :)
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Ha ha getting confusing now isn't it lol
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Yeup i think Peppa pig is putting me off lol
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I will admit in glad I'm past the pre school tv program stage now ha ha
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I cant wait one stroppy teenager and 3 & 5 yr old she will be going to nursery in jan i cant wait :)
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I certainly don't envy you lol
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Ha and they are all girls lol but i wouldnt change them
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I'm dreading when my daughter gets to teen years at least u will have had some experience by the time ur youngest get to that age lol
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Yeah thats what im telling myself but we have her on a really tight leash , because i remember what i was up to at that age!!
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Im 35. she is 32. Im georgeboy. Cmon lucy keep up, you are confusing me now. :-)
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Ha ha Georgeboy poor Lucy having to keep up with two blokes moaning when she is trying to watch Peppa pig lol she has no hope he he
And Lucy I can only imaging you were the model teenager (cough cough)
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Its ok im on it now lol , not only watching peppa but answering emails and trying to work at the same time one of those things you men never understood multitasking Ha......
I only asked that because if you were both young when you meet she would have been a bit more ermm i"ll use the word provocative and now married with a child she felt the need to grow up in a sense perhaps..
And i was the model teenager ;)
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Us men can multitask we can breathe and walk at the same time ha ha ha
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Nice come back :P
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I thought so to!
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Well im happier now ive moved into the kitchen the clash on full volume on the radio and even contemplating going for a jog later to shake off the cobwebs and try and get somewhat fit :)
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Ha. I struggle to do one thing at a time, never mind several.
She was 28 when i met her, so i know she had a past. I did too and mine is probably worse. But these are thoughts that are with me all the time at the moment and fighting with them constantly. I know my own insecurities are what is making me obsess on these things and i know she hasnt done anything wrong really, but they are things i cant get out of my head. Maybe a chat with her about it, worded right(im not usually the best at this)would help me to put it into the past where it belongs and help me to move on.
Sorry for bringing the mood down again. Thats one thing i am good at at the noment :-)
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Lucy - good for you!
George - don't worry about bring the mood down the point of these forums is to help others and let them get things out in the open!
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Have you thought about writting her a letter like Alex has might work?
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Why is it that you can spend 5 - 10 minutes with someone and she manages to lift you mood instantly and for more than 24 hrs on the memory alone considering that person isn't the one ur married to????
Oh yeah meet the added complication in my life !!!! :-[
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Your daughter?
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Ho ho no my life's not that simple! Plus she's at school!
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Thought maybe you might have seen her for lunch ..Before you get to me any better i have a simple mind lol
Want to talk about her??
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Who my daughter or the one I was talking about???
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Mystery ladie
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Well apart from the small fact if how good she makes me feel, she's younger than me by a bit (a fact which is unusual for me as I usually prefer women my own age or older) in fact there is a lot of things about her that don't usually fit in to what I would consider as my 'type'! But it really doesn't bother me at all! ;D
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Is she a work colleague or friend?And do you think this could be distancing from your current situation?Are you actually involved?
Sorry 20 questions there just naturally nosey lol :)
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She's a friend that I've known for a couple of years now. Are we involved well we are certainly close but nothing big has happened between us but it is obviously that feelings are growing all the time!
I don't honestly know if this is me trying to distance myself from things at home or whether it is to do with the fact it feels good to be wanted in such a way again! But at the same time it only feels like a matter of time before something will happen whether it be good or bad that is another point entirely!
And let me see a female interested in gossip .... No never heard of that before ha ha ha
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Ha natural trait im afraid :P
Well i really think you need to asses where you want this friendship/relationship to go ..I would Not condone any form of cheating even a peck is a betrayal in eyes (thats just me im fiercely loyal (another downpoint to my personality)
My husband cheated on me 9 years ago have never forgotten it never will , i had however moved on from it until i was sat there with my husband and some of his friends 2 months ago until i realized that that one of the girls was her felt like i was back in that horrible place all over again ,i think thats where my doubt is creeping in again as i know they are friends on facebook too he just thinks because i forgave him its forgotten..
So please dont do anything hasty make sure your marriage is actually over and move on , but if you dont do it properly it could cause a world of hurt for your wife and daughter not that breaking up would be easy anyway but at least without the hatred ...
Hope some of this puts it into perspective :)
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I help out at two lunch clubs one I've only recently started out with on a Thursday (the church where it is held also has a Tuesday lunch club) and a Friday lunch club where I've been helping for over a year on Fridays. I'm exhausted but have enjoyed catching up on this thread.
George, the others are right and you don't ever have to apologise for bringing the mood down. We all go through times when we aren't so happy but know we can get support here.