Depression Forums
General => I need to vent! => Topic started by: soselo on October 21, 2013, 11:38:04 PM
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Hi.
Let me begin by saying I have never been a member of any forums, anywhere, ever and haven't posted anything so I apologize for my lack of forum ethics.
Thanks for letting me join the community.
As I'm typing this barrage of nonsense, I question my motives to do so. Am I sad, am I lonely, am I depressed, am I attention seeking? I really don't know anything anymore.
Let me begin by saying I'm 22 years of age. I've been to jail once for almost 2 years for a very serious crime. I'm an Economics and Finance graduate now. I'm working in a prestigious company in the heart of London city. I have a caring family (I believe). I have a beautiful ''girlfriend'' as young and as cliche as that sounds.
And yet I'm always sad. I always feel I'm not living up to the standards of my family. I feel I'm not living up to the standards of MYSELF. I'm no conspiracy theory freak but I see everything that goes on in the world and my inability to help kills me from the inside. Even as I type this my heart tears up. I have very strong sense of morals and of whats right and wrong. I'm always honest or I try to be as much as I can and as a result of that I dont have many friends. Well actually I'd say i have no friends at all, because we live in an era where being honest is seen as ''untactful'' and ''tasteless''. I tell people exactly where they stand and come across very harsh at times but I cant help it. I'd rather be a honest introvert rather than a smile faking extrovert.
I'm so full of love and yet there's a darker side that increasingly grows and gnaws at me. I'm scared of myself and what I'm capable of. Especially my total absence of fear.
Everyday my hate for this world grows bigger... And i just cant help it. I tried being positive and been practicing many techniques over the years. I'm very observant and intuitive. I usually know what people say before they even say it. I look around and I see men with their disgusting glances undressing women and doing god knows what else in their mind. I see women attention whoring yet acting like everything they do is just a part of them. I see dishonesty and pretentiousness. I see people's coldness of heart. Lack of love and compassion. Lack of courage and abundance of cowardice. World where being shallow prevails. It really hurts me so bad...
I've achieved a lot in my young years, yet nothing makes me happy. As a result I start questioning myself. Am I just an ungrateful pig who despises the gift of life? But I can't help but think what is the point of life? Is it to procreate, go to work, go to sleep, rinse repeat, die? I refuse to believe that's what life is.
I do believe some universal force (positive or negative, good or bad) is at work however I do question it's plans. Or ''His'' Plans.
Why do innocents die? Why do guilty prosper? Why do 9 year olds get gang raped by so called ''Defence Force'' and swiftly followed by mass execution by the same men that put them through the ordeal.
I have heard that God can nullify pain and suffering of a person, for his marvels are infinite. Then why do I hear them cry and groan as they being savagely abused and hanged?
They say everything happens for a reason.. And all these other phrases that just ''sound'' beautiful, but the truth is
they are just f***ING PHRASES. EMPTY PHRASES. That mean nothing. Just like words right and wrong. They are just words.
Sorry, i get angry even when I TYPE my thoughts...
Every ounce of my sanity tells me that life isn't what we made it out to be. And this isn't just some philosophical rant if you can call it one.
This is just the truth of thoughts at its purest. Who is to say what's right or wrong? Those 2 are just man made words that we use to justify our lack of courage to accomplish what we want in life. Getting a good car is right! Going work every day is right. &$%+ting sleeping eating rinse repeat is right!
God forbid we break out of a routine and use our own god given right to THINK AND BE FREE.
Which brings me to my next point. I only want to be free. And I'm increasingly starting to think there's only 1 way to be free in this life. Which is not to be in this life. I think, as a result of this I will be leaving my current job for Royal Marines training soon. Maybe that career path will grant me eternal peace I've been craving for many years earlier than later.
Im sick of people around me who think they know it all, who think there's some sort of conspiracy in everything. They speak as if they actually know something.
That's all they do, SPEAK. SPEAK AND SPEAK till they cant no longer do so and by then its too late. By then your youth vigor will be gone. And all you
can do is fold up at the age of 50 like the rest of this pathetic population of animals we call humans. So drawn in into the system it becomes you. A part of you.
A part you will defend knowing you are wrong anyway but cant let yourself do otherwise because you spent years upon years serving it and surely you cant
admit you got f***ED all these years and now you too old to change anything.
I'm not scared of dying, but I'm scared to die and be just another waste of sperm and egg that once was on this planet.
Wow, I must thank you for reading this teenage rant, for I had nobody to talk to for many years. I've got so many thoughts at the moment that I can't structure so I have to stop here.
Forgive me for my inability to compose proper paragraphs etc. The point of all this was just to talk to someone.
Thanks