Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Portlandbill on October 25, 2010, 12:14:32 AM
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I put this in the Central one as there is kinda a lot of stuff in my story, I just thought that this would be the best place to start.
I`m not great at sharing my feelings, But a friend recommended the site and said that opening up to strangers might help.
Just recently the Doctor put me on 10 mg of Cipralex, Ive been on them for a month now. Until recently I was working in Dublin, But returned to my home town, the work wasnt getting me down, but I was being moved from shop to shop and I was up at 6 am and not getting home till 8pm or later at times. I had no social life and although I got to know people I worked with, I never had the chance to make real friends and get a firm footing in the company or the stores I worked in, I always felt like an outsider.
Previous to that I was working away in my home town and whilst I didnt have a large circle of friends I had a few that I always hung out with or chatted to.
But now I have 1 friend who I am close to 3 or 4 others who I chat to but thats it. But I dont even head out with them on nights out, as when I suggest it, they always have other plans, and I dont get invites to head out with at all now. I was never a heavy drinker, But now I hardly drink at all, infact its been 3 months since Ive had even a pint.
I have always felt alone in some ways, My father and mother split up when I was 17 and I havent spoke to my mother since (it was a pretty bad break up) and I have to be honest always bottled it up, and again if Im honest it has always played a part in how badly Ive treated any girlfriends Ive had.
I`m not a bad person, but when I ended up with a girl the " grass is always greener on the other side" always reared its head and I ended up 2 timing the girl and thats it I was dumped, I did deserve it, I know I did, but I always hated myself for it.
I was with 1 girl for a really long time, and I did want to marry her, But I messed it up really badly, and we didnt speak for a long time. We would get back in contact, then fall out and this happened several times, and although this has gone on like this for a good few years and we have been out a couple of times since then. I still love her, really deep in my heart I do. Maybe because I keep thinking and hoping that we may get back together, (there is signals when we meet for a night out) but I dunno if maybe shes holding me back, I find it hard to let go with things, and I sometimes think maybe cutting all contact would be better for me.
There was 1 girl who swept me off my feet, around 18 months ago, But I said something stupid to her and offended her, I apologised and sent her flowers, but I didnt hear from her for a month, until she contacted me about the flowers, and I lied and said it wasnt me, but she knew it was...her previous long term boyfriend lied to her and she hated liars, I stood up and took responsibilty for my actions, but she has never spoke to me since, She was the only person I felt I could be me with in a long time, and I messed it up.
I now have got to the stage, where I now have nothing, No job, No close friends, My family is just split and there is no closeness, I force myself to go out at times, and I just fell worthless.
There is times when my head feels so so heavy and I cant shift the cloudy feeling I have there.
I really wanted to make the dublin thing work, create a new life and so on, I wanted to study psychology in my spare time, but that hasnt happened, I used to be able to go to the gym and go jogging most mornings, now I can just about get out of bed.
Have I mucked up my life? I just have so many thoughts running through my head, sleeping is tough at night, sometimes impossible, it just stresses me out so much.
Im sorry this has taken up loads of room, and It also moves from one topic to another, But if anyone can help with advice, or talk me through any options, I would be very grateful.
Thanks for listening, and I hope that I can post more so that I can help other people