Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Jimsouse67 on August 25, 2013, 05:32:31 PM
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Hi my name is James.
Firstly thank you for taking the time to read my post.
I am new here and just wondering if someone could possibly give me some help & advice
Relating to my partner who I feel may be suffering from depression.
We are both 46 and have been seeing each for about four months now,so our relationship
Is still in its infancy.she moved to my city 15 months ago as her daughter '23' had got a place at one of our universities.
At first everything seemed normal,we would actively do things together as any normal couple
Would do.
After the first couple of weeks I started to notice a shift in her attitude both towards myself and her everyday life.
Some of the things I started to notice where things like her ability to show affection ,anything from holding hands,kissing,hugging,intimacy & affection,At first I
Put this down to the fact that she just wasn't into me,but then she started to open up to me,she would tell me that she may not be capable of love ,I asked her why would she say such a thing ? Her response to this was 'she feels useless Says she doesn't know if she is capable
Of love,hates her body,says she always messes things up,was more often than not incapable of expressing herself emotionally & physically ( we did have a sex life but something was definitely missing),she would struggle with mature conversation of any kind other than expressing to me that the people in her place of work hate her,and she would often feel sick & frightened before going into work and would often feel like crying ( panic attacks),she seems to suffer from low self esteem,self worth,often worries about others & not herself,she would also seek constant reassurances from me that she was doing things ok,whenever I bought her flowers or gifts I felt that she doubted my actions when all I was doing was showing I cared for her.i felt she thought she was inadequate due to what she thought of her physical appearance,even though I told her often that she was beautiful,
I tried asking her why she felt this way but no matter how hard I tried she kept pushing me away & wouldn't confide in me .,over
Time things started to get progressively worse possibly down to the fact that her daughter had got a new job meaning she had to move to london thus leaving my partner on her own & losing out on the extra income her daughter provided.she took
On a second job (against my better judgement) but she went ahead with taking it anyway.
The two jobs she does is a nursery cook working Monday to Friday 9.30 to 2.00, that job is a 10 minute journey & the other is a cook in a fairly local hospital that involves a 30 minute drive,the hours for that are 3.30 until 8.00pm,she does that job 4 days a week.When we spoke on the phone or when we seen each other i explained some of my concerns such as she was working herself into the ground and she is not giving herself any down time & is having a serious impact on her quality of life & us.
I offered to help her by way of telling her that i would do the housework,cleaning,ironing,washing shopping ( im a very domedticated bloke :-) ) in the hope that it would take some of the pressure off her.i work myself (nights) but had more spare time than she had & wanted to help,she did not accept my Help & said she would be ok.
From that point things started to get worse between us,the constant phone calls & txts dwindled,the time we spent together became less and less & when we did see each other she would often sit away from me ! when her daughter visited I was totally pushed aside no calls or text messages & was never asked to meet her daughter or partner ( who would often stay )she would also hide my bed clothes & toothbrush so her daughter would'nt see I was staying most nights.whenever her parents phoned I was asked not to make a noise incase they discovered i had stayed the night it really did make me feel like the great unwashed,,her parents knew she had a boyfriend but it still didn't stop me feeling like a dirty little secret.whenever i stayed over i would wake the following morning to find she had slept in one of her other bedrooms ,when i asked her about this she said it was down to my snoring ( i know for a fact that i don't snore) i did not point this out to her though & put it down to the fact she has spent 6 years just her & her daughter.i would invite her to meet my family & friends but she refused saying they will hate her and gang up on her,which I told her was absolute nonsense but she still refused.
We had arranged to meet up the other week and we did,when I looked at her
I seen a woman That was not the woman I met several months ago,she looked worn out and haggard,I did not point this out to her,I asked her again can we have a heart to heart to which she replied 'I'm ok I just need time to make myself better ( she was certainly not ok),after ten minutes with her she told me she had to leave but we will have a talk next week.i feel quite helpless at the moment as is not letting me help even though I have told constantly that i am here for her
Whenever she needs me,I just get the feeling she is not letting me in and pushing me further away
And detaching herself from life in general.
I hope someone can give me some advice here as I'm at a loss as to whether she is showing signs of depression or something else.
I hope you can understand my post.
Many thanks.
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:hi:
I have to go out shortly so will read through your post again. You've definitely been through a lot with this relationship. There could be any number of reasons for her behaving like this. Depression could be one of the reasons and another might be trust issues. I'm thinking trust could be an issue due to my life experiences. When I was 19 I emotionally shut down due to events in my life and lost trust in people due to the way my parents had treated me during that time. After that every time I got into serious relationships I would push the boyfriend away and even ran away in the opposite direction on a couple times when they asked me to marry them.
I did eventually marry when I was 32 but wouldn't let my husband in. It was another 10 1/2 years before I did and because I was forced to deal with what happened 23 years previously. it's now another 9 years on and we are much closer now but I still struggle with trust issues.
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Hi James, welcome to the forums
depression can strike at any age, and be set off by a multitude of things, and people can react diferently to the same thing that sets of the depression.
im no doctor, but is there any chance your partner has just started menopause? this can cause a hormone imbalance, if you google menopause you will find a plethora of information on the topic and how it impacts on how women can react.
there is also the chance she is putting up a barrier because she has been hurt in the past, and does not want to go through the same thing again.
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Hi Stewart.
I did condsider that it could be the menopause,will certainly look into it.
Many thanks for the reply and also thanks to pip.
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one site i checked out said it can start anywhere from 45 - 55
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Had a look on the NHS website and checked out some of the posts on there,quite an eye opener.
Just need to convince her to see me so I can have a talk with her &
Try and get her to see her GP.
Would even go with her.
Cheers Stewart you've been a great help.
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That's the problem with the menopause some women don't any symptoms (I haven't) yet the other extreme can be very gruesome. If it is that her GP can certainly help her.
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hi james welcome !!!
sorry to hear of your concerns, its not easy watching those we love suffer in silence, we know somethings up but sometimes they just have to find out and deal with it on their own.... I know from experience that no matter how much you want to help someone if they don't want to help themselves or realise there is a problem then its hard to advise on what to do.
you have a support network in us anyway!
hope you've been coping ok!
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She has sent me a txt earlier on today to ask if I was ok?
Told her I'm fine & didn't go into to much detail as she has gone to see her parents for a break & did not want to put any pressure on her while she was away.
I did mention casually that maybe we could meet up at some point
Once she gets back, she replied that that would be fine.
Feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her most of the time,
She was never the best conversant ever & she was never one to open up too even though
I'm very approachable.
Any advice on how I should approach her and broach the subject of the possibility of her being perimenopausal
Would be great.
Many thanks for the support everyone.
James.
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yeah your right not to put pressure on her if she has gone for a break.
Stewart has a good point about her maybe having barriers up... if that's the case you'd have to take your time and let her see she can trust you, you may say she can but you know, actions speak louder than words an all that...
Just be careful, if she isn't ready to admit she has problems then she'd get her back up about you trying to get her to see her gp... if she's not ready of course.
I wouldn't know how to broach the subject about that im nowhere near having those conversations yet.
sorry if advice is a bit lame duck. you just have to be careful if she is as closed and non conversant tread very carefully.
Take care
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Hi again everyone just an update.
Just had a short get together with my ex.
Did not go in all guns blazing,just asked her a few questions.
I asked her has she been to her GP with any ailments since she moved here, to which she said she had been
To see if she was in the early stages of menopause,she had her bloods done and the test revealed her hormone level was normal( the test was done 6 months ago).
She also said she went regarding anxiety and the GP said she was fine and Fobbed her off (why am I not surprised).
I also asked her when was the last time she was happy and she told me that when her & her daughter moved to my city which is Liverpool everything was great,but since she got her job things have got worse plus her daughter moved out about 3 months ago as I said in my opening post.
She told me that she is being verbally bullied in this job by other members off staff
And when she talks about it she feels like crying & hates going there.in the time we where together which was only 4 months she never told me any of this and I do feel guilty for not asking enough questions in the time we where together.
She told me she should go back to her GP to which I agreed,I explained that I would like to go with her for some support,she said that would be ok.
She continued to tell me that she would be ok and kept saying never mind,and all she wants is peace of mind.
She is refusing help from me even though I've mentioned that I want to help & I'm sure her family does too,although im not sure her family are aware of what she is going through.but she continues to push away.i gave her a self help book on depression and within 10 minutes of giving her the book she was asking me did I want it back.
In the half an hour we were together I felt like a total stranger,it was like our brief relationship did'nt exist.
It's hard to explain but it's like she is in her own little world.
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sorry it seems like life is pushing you further apart.
it must be awful with all the uncertainty of things at the moment how are you coping are your toes ok ?
sorry I don't have much to say today im not in the greatest of moods.
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Hi Craig.
I'm good thanks mate.all things considered.
it's just a case of trying my best to crack on with my own life really and try not to think to much
Which is so bloody hard.
I think what hurts most is just the frustration of it all,I can see her torment in the way she speaks, in her body language & her actions and it hurts like hell.
I've never been in this situation before so it's a huge learning curve for me to say the least,I am being mindful of my feelings in all this though & I am aware of the many pitfalls that may lay ahead.
All I can do at the moment is offer my support and be there whenever she needs me,she is aware of this & it is up to her now to seek help.
How are you holding up?.
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You are doing your best and at the same time you need support as well. Even though she is your ex you obviously care about her. As somebody who suffers with depression and has a husband that suffers with depression I am very aware of having outside support being helpful.
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you have a good awareness of things which is good at least your rational about things!
things for me are all a bit weird at the moment... there may be a huge positive coming up but I wont fins out till next week. I don't want to say too much and jynx it though.
i'll update when I get the good or bad news :)
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You are doing your best and at the same time you need support as well. Even though she is your ex you obviously care about her. As somebody who suffers with depression and has a husband that suffers with depression I am very aware of having outside support being helpful.
You are doing your best and at the same time you need support as well. Even though she is your ex you obviously care about her. As somebody who suffers with depression and has a husband that suffers with depression I am very aware of having outside support being helpful.
Hi pip how have you been?.
Many thanks for your words.
Yes you are so right regarding outside support it is so valuable in life,
Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on and someone to sound off to.
She does have one girlfriend albeit a work colleague who she has only known for a short while
But it is a starting point for her & I hope she can find it within herself to expand this friendship.
Her only real friend I think was her daughter,they spent so much time together that i think the daughter became some kind of comfort blanket,her crutch in
Life if you like,a crutch that has been taken away from her and left her feeling somewhat lost in life,
This combined with her other issues have just compounded matters to breaking point I think.
This forum has been a god send for me as has the interwebby as a whole,it has given me so much insight into depression & how it affects the human mind & a great many things,so much so that I would be at a loss myself without it.
Pip,I do care for her immensely i really do,it's not some crusade or pitty driving me Its just the compassion I have for her that's all.
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you have a good awareness of things which is good at least your rational about things!
things for me are all a bit weird at the moment... there may be a huge positive coming up but I wont fins out till next week. I don't want to say too much and jynx it though.
i'll update when I get the good or bad news :)
Hi Craig.
The awareness is mainly down to this forum and the Internet in all honesty,gave me a real insight & understanding about the illness & I now know about cause & effect.
I was like the many thousands of none sufferers 'ignorant' to the illness before I started doing some research.
It's great that some positive news could be on the horizon for you,I will certainly keep my fingers crossed for you that's for sure,& yes please keep us updated whatever the outcome.
Be strong.
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pleasure to have you hear with us James.
its good you have this awareness from researching, some people knowing I have depression make no alterations in the way im treated, ive recently decided to start defending myself more, like every attack I get I point out its not helping with my depression... ive been hit back with, your not depressed your lazy... im not lazy it just seems that way because im depressed and don't feel like im worth anything, to do Anything...
its nice to know that people can see our side without having the experience of being this low themselves! I wish there were more like you tbh!
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pleasure to have you hear with us James.
its good you have this awareness from researching, some people knowing I have depression make no alterations in the way im treated, ive recently decided to start defending myself more, like every attack I get I point out its not helping with my depression... ive been hit back with, your not depressed your lazy... im not lazy it just seems that way because im depressed and don't feel like im worth anything, to do Anything...
its nice to know that people can see our side without having the experience of being this low themselves! I wish there were more like you tbh!
Craig.
I think a lot of the attitudes shown towards this illness is mainly down to people's ignorance on the issue,so many people today are so self absorbed in there own so called perfect lives that they are totally oblivious & selfish to other people's suffering!!'society has taught us very well!'.
So many people are far to quick to dismiss depression as a 'nothing ' issue when in actual fact it is anything but 'nothing!,I suppose the motto' F**K YOU JACK IM ALRIGHT' is alive and well!!.
Your not lazy Craig,the lazy people are some of those around you who refuse to make some effort or expand there minds to try & understand what depression actually does to the sufferer!!,
I guess it's easier for some to dismiss depression because it only interferes with the perfect lives of the more fortunate amongst us.
I think you are doing the right thing by pointing out to the people in your life
That some of the negative things they are saying to you is not helping you one jot,you should get them to do some of there own research on the web!.
Some people really don't have a clue.
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no and even after an overdose last weekend ... within a week I was getting this negative feedback from family...
people will only ever really learn about depression when it affects them in some degree, whether a loved one or themselves suffers from it and they either want help, or to be helped.
I never thought id be a sufferer of this illness but since my diagnosis 6 years ago ive learnt so much and realised I was probably depressed from the age of 7 when my parents split... I just didn't know it at the time!
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no and even after an overdose last weekend ... within a week I was getting this negative feedback from family...
people will only ever really learn about depression when it affects them in some degree, whether a loved one or themselves suffers from it and they either want help, or to be helped.
I never thought id be a sufferer of this illness but since my diagnosis 6 years ago ive learnt so much and realised I was probably depressed from the age of 7 when my parents split... I just didn't know it at the time!
Your very right about people only recognising depression when they are involved in it to any capacity.
I'm pretty sure my ex's issues do actually stem from her childhood.
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I do believe you genuinely care for all the right reasons :biggrin: people like you are a special breed of people that are good to have around.
It hit my husband hard when he finally found out I was depressed as I had always been his rock, the strong one. He then had to learn how to be around me when I was obviously depressed. He felt like a fish out water so the way I put it to him was to think about how I was around him when he was very low. I had hidden my depression from him for 12 years so it was a shock to him. He also had to get his head around the fact I was like my friends 'big sister', the one who could be trusted to keep their secrets and problems to myself even though I was suffering in silence.
At least here you know you can ask for support and get it as you're worthy of support.
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Hi pip.
Thank you for your kind words,means a lot that .
That must have come as a huge shock to your husband as you say,I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you to keep your depression secret for such a long time,that must have been an enormous weight to carry.can I ask if you felt any relief once you had shared your depression with your husband?.
To me my ex deserves my support & my help,why should I or anyone else deny her these things or
Treat her any differently? Yes she is unique like millions of others who suffer with depression
But she isn't a lunatic,basket case,head case or whatever other derogatory term the ignorant like to use to describe those who suffer with this illness.
We are all human beings,we all bleed the same blood & we all need the same love,support understanding & compassion.
The best thing about those last 4 things is that they cost absolutely nothing to give they are FREE in life.
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sounds like something I say about relationships not working out.
without any one of the following things may be destructive or not work out.
communication - respect - trust - honesty - understanding