Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: FluffySeal on August 01, 2013, 04:21:19 PM
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Sorry for my huge rant, I feel I need to release it somewhere and hope I feel better after it...
Right now I am on antibiotics as I was diagnosed with a kidney infection last saturday. I had my urine tested yesterday and apparantley the infection is gone. I still have to finish my course and the pain in my abdominal area is still just as bad. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow because no one knows what on earth this pain is, and its getting me down. Since Sunday, I have barely been able to eat. The antibiotics make me feel so sick, i nearly chucked up earlier; i'm getting a stiff neck, sensitivity to light, chest pain, headache and trouble sleeping. Its getting worse the further into the course I go, and knowing I still have to take 4 more is a nightmare, it may seem like just 4 to anyone but when you are going through chest pain and feeling so ill you can only drink a few sips of milk, its 4 more tablets of torture. I try to force myself to eat a bit of lightly buttered bread or a digestive biscuit every couple hours but half the time just looking or smelling it makes me gag and I can't do it. I'm absolutely exhausted.
Before I went on antibiotics, I had pretty much hit a break down with depression. Every day I find it hard to compose myself, i'm often finding that as soon as I get alone time, i'm crying my eyes out.
I think I have become a bit worse because of the pain in my abdomen and the fact i have felt sick since saturday.
I think I first started feeling depressed around the age of 14 because home life sucked and I was always picked on at school. My first memory as a child is hearing screaming and seeing blood on the wall of my dining room (my drunk dad had a fight with his drunk 'friend' and started smashing beer bottles at each other). My grandad had to come round and look after my sister and I for a bit as my mum had to go A&E with my dad.
When he came back from A&E I freaked out (I dont remember this but my mum does). I had to go and sleep around my nan and grandads house for about a week because I was terrified of his huge black eye. The only part I remember is being at their house with the christmas lights around and me having to walk down the stairs with my eyes closed because he came round to see me. I had my eyes closed the whole time and ran away when I got the chance.
I would feel very upset if someone ran away or moved out for a while because I had a black eye. It did not seem to faze him though; he didn't seem sorry for long at all and didnt seem bothered that he scared me out of the house.
Years went on where he annoyed my sister. Then when I hit around 12-13 years old, the told me to my face that its my turn to be picked on now.
Every day he would just do stuff to wind me up. When I went into secondary school, year 7, I was bullied almost immediately. I was about 4ft 10 or something, very short and thin. We had a lot of mixed races in my school, and most of my tutor group was. They hung around in their own groups. I did not have a problem with race, i don't care what colour someone is or where they come from, as long as they are nice then im fine with them. However one main girl who was mixed raced, tall and a bit chubby said one day outside to everyone that she hates me because i am quiet. I stood there silent and she said she was joking. I didnt believe her. 2 years of putting up with her picking away at me, my dad was saying I probably deserved it, that if i acted the way i did at home then i must act like it at school.
There are 2 key moments that have scarred me from school.
First one, was in PE. Sitting on the bench with her, 3 of her friends and a dude who was quiet. She started asking me personal questions about my chest size and stuff. I was so embarrased she was asking in front of this boy; and even her friends were like shh thats too much. I just said don't know. The conversation ended because we all had to then go to the squash courts and play table tennis. There were not enough tables so half the class stood on the balcony to watch. No one liked me so i had to go with 2 girls as I didnt have a partner. The big girl was up on the balcony and started shouting things like why dont you hit the ball, go on run, move. Suddenly, something snapped inside of me and I just walked out of the room and sobbed. A female teacher saw me and tried to calm me down. The big girl came downstairs and said she was only playing, I said i believed her just so she would go away. However, the teacher reported her.
Some girls had a meeting with the deputy head and I had a lot come to me asking why I reported the girl. She was apparently crying. I had a flock of literally 20 people cornering me at the wall shouting and screaming saying I was out of order. I was in tears and a teacher heard the commotion a whole corridor away. She had to come rescue me and I was just crying stupidly for a while.
She was the only teacher who then started to look out for me.
A friend who was in the same class as the big girl said that in her science class, her and another girl were saying how they bet i cut myself and that im anorexic. They found it hilarious that I may cut (which i didn't do).
The last straw was when in one class, she called me a racist b****. we had to work in groups for citizenship; make a campaign and stuff. She kept interrogating me asking what music i liked; she probably heard i'm a backstreet boys lover, in which i was embarrassed to like because no one in my school liked boy bands, it was all about beyonce, alicia keys, all R&B music.
She then asked me if i have any black people in my family. I said no. that was when she made that comment. I reported it. Couple weeks later, she was gone from the school for good and i never saw her again.
However the second key moment is when she had gone, this huge girl who was black decided to step in. I had made friends, well thought I had, with a girl in my tutor class. She added me on MSN messenger and we spoke a little. Then I was added into a group convo, I didnt know they were cussing me at first. Calling me a goth and stuff. Then it got bad and embarrassing, then they cussed my mum which I flipped out at and swore at them. They said they would beat me up outside the gates, told me to watch myself. my mum made me print it out and show the school. I did, but the man in charge of that just said the language is atrocious and he wouldnt let his daughter go on a computer without being supervised.
At the end of the day, he did nothing. My mum, sister, and grandad all came up to meet me that day. I had to go the back way because they said all the girls and boys were out the front waiting around. There was a police man there but only because some other girl had been threatened that day from a year below.
So many people were nasty and cruel to me, some never spoke to me because of rumours. I lost my friends in year 7 because there were rumours that I was gay/bi so the girls must have got scared. There were rumours that I cut, was anorexic, liked this boy, liked that boy; there were 11 rumours in about a year.
All whilst this happened, my dad was verbally abusing me at home. In my last year, he went to punch me in the face. He yelled at me because he asked if i loved him and i said no. He charged at me with his fist out and said come back here you little c.. (the worst vulgar swear word there is). He said it about 3 times. My mum and sister got out of their beds and had to stand infront to protect me.
I was so scared i couldnt sleep for 2 days. He had a break down and was going to kill a man up the pub and then himself. my mum and sister tried to calm him and felt sorry for him. I didnt want to, but i was told im heartless.
Only about a couple months later, he goes to punch me again.
I went to college for 2 years, in the first year he goes to punch me again, because I told him he had wet himself.. which he had.. but he was so drunk he reacted that way again.
I was picked on in college, i was the only white female in the class and this black girl said to her friend next to me that black girls are much prettier than white girls.
After the third time of facing abuse from my dad, i was going around 3 councils trying to move out. However they failed me because they said i need to be hit first for them to do anything.
Rumours flew around at college and I got a reputation as a person who bunked class.
Christmas 2010, my dad was drunk with this woman in our house. My mum, sister and I were upstairs listen to them slur their words. my dad receives a text because the womans husband wants her home (was midnight) and apparantly my dad had sent him a text impying things. The man came storming to our door and tried to bash it down. My dad had one of our big kitchen knives in his hand and said he was going to kill him. I was upstairs having a huge anxiety attack and had to call my grandad. My sister called 999 downstairs who also panicked. My mum and the woman tried to fight to get the knife away from the men. My mum fell and to this day, she has major hip problems and chill blanes in her feet. The man was sent home and the wife stayed at ours the night. I went home with my grandad in the snow at 1 in the morning because I was refusing to stay. There was blood in our front room, on some of our stuff.
I went back to mine at 11am and the woman was still there. This was the second time in my life that I had walked out because of his actions, and he didnt care.
He kept saying sorry to my mum, never me.
Things have calmed down since, as we know he is cheating on my mum with that woman. He went out and left his phone on the table, where i shakily had a quick look; shaking in terror that I could be caught. His sent box was cleared but i read her texts, not explicit but obvious enough to know she likes him, smothering the texts in kisses doesnt help.
I sobbed and told my mum, who wasnt surprised at all. They have just recently 'split' about a month ago, but she still has war with him. There is not enough money for anyone to move out.
I have been living at my boyfriends very regularly now from october 2012, but was visitng a lot since march 2011, so i havnt had to put up with him every day like i used to.
One of the last times i went home, i went for 5 days and they were having a raging arguement and he was smashing the freezer door in.
I dont really want to deal with him. he barely speaks to me at home because he is obsessed with an online game (he doesnt drink as much as before because of this game but its still enough).
I do feel frustrated that my mum never left him. he drove her mental when i was born and she said no to him leaving.
Everyone in my house can act that things are fine but i am always left with these memories; i feel horrible but i find myself feeling angry at my mum for letting things happen.
By year 7, I turned into a very timid, quiet, reserved person. I have slowly changed to be a bit more confident, because my boyfriend has a large family; its like i have been forced to; but i still have my moments regularly where i want to stay locked in this room. There are 7 people in this house so its cluttered and always noisy.
I want to move out but i dont have enough savings and i am unemployed.
I do not see myself ever getting a job i'd like, i do not see myself ever being able to afford to move to even a flat, and i just dont see myself ever being truly happy. I dont see a future for myself.
Sorry I wrote such an awful lot, thats just me in a nutshell and how im feeling right now :bash:
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wow... I wish I could make that much sense in my posts! your amazing you really are, very articulate!!!
theres so much to respond to i'll probably miss half of what I want to say but with regards to your meds atm....
if you struggle taking them whole then have you tried crushing them and mixing into a drink. you probably have but I thought id suggest it...
was so sad reading the actions of your dad when you came of a certain age and how he treated you. wrong on so many levels, do you mind me asking how you get on with your family now?
the times where you break down when your alone is probably because for those moments you cant sustain keeping that wall up.. the wall that protects us from people really knowing whats going on... you definitely needed to vent and I hoped it helped... it does people good seeing people vent as it gives people strength to do the same! your an inspiration for people worried about sharing their stuff! theres no doubt being physicaly ill as well as mentally drained will feel like your under an avalanche but your dealing with it, hence your writing here! keep it up!
im reading your post as I reply because I want to answer as much as I can... upto the 2nd key moment atm :)
sorry but your dads (in the politest way possible) not a good parent... (that's not whats in my head but I don't want to offend)
its so hard to advise knowing that its the relationships we grow up in that help mould us and give us our belief systems and your dad must have instilled a really negative one for you.... but that's just his wrong doings that have led to that... its not normal or right so you don't have to buy into them judgements or opinions anymore. grrr his pissed me off just reading how he treated you!
there is always a way out though, its hard and tough and will seem impossible but there is always a way...
with regards to you moving out there are options... you don't have to have savings for rent as you can apply for a crisis loan to get your first months rent from the benefits system. then housing benefits take care of things after that like paying your rent but you have to show your tenancy agreement as proof your living there before they give it. sad thing is youll probably only get a bedsit but it would get you out of your house....food for thought maybe..
thanks for being so open and honest
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:hug:
You have an inner strength that has helped you to get through this.
I have got to know of parents who have had their children taken off them due to false allegations or just needed a bit of help. Then there are cases such as yours where you should have been removed because of your dad.
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Thank you both for your replies, I do feel a little relieved now like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, i mean my problems arn't gone but it feels a little better to get them out and see people who actually do care, because all the people I have seemed to face in life; like back in school; think depression and self harm is funny; so i've never really been able to speak out, only to my boyfriend after a couple of months.
@Craig Oh I noticed about two typo's which sucks haha but thank you, I did jump topics, didnt finish a point or two and missed so many things out though but to be honest I could write a book on the amount of things that were done and said at school and college alone haha.
I took your advice earlier and just broke the tablet in two, as it would taste way too nasty to crush it, ive done that in the past and the tablet seems to set at the bottom so the last mouthful is gross!
My chest didn't hurt half as much afterwards and i felt the tablet went down easier, I only felt a slight scraping down my throat this time :)
I'll try to sum it briefly with the family thing:
Mum - we used to argue and she was stressed, used the hitting method with her hand when i did wrong, I didnt really like her half the time. But when i was around 11 i warmed up to her more. Our bond has become much closer since my dad had started picking on me. She finally hates his guts now so I can easily slate him off without having her defend him entirely.
She misses me that I am away and tries to give me a little bit of money when I visit because even though shes poor 'thats what mothers do'. I do care for her a lot to this day and she feels the same way for me. She would do anything for me and my boyfriend (who she has only met once for about 10 minutes)
Sister- I used to annoy her when I was a child. 7 years difference so as she was hitting her teens and being a moody teenager, I was still pestering her. We used to hit, kick, fight and make our mum stressed from this..However when I turned to my teenage years, everything calmed down and we were OK. shes hard to speak to as she has issues herself, she hasnt been to a doctors but I know she is at least moderately depressed. At this day, we dont speak much, maybe once a month when i visit but that isnt for long as she locks herself in her room. However we get on a lot better and never fight, we have the same views on my father and she would do anything to protect me and my mum.
Dad- When I was say 5 years old, we used to mess about and annoy my sister. When I was about 9, i learnt how to swim (very bad at it haha) so we had something in common when we went away. Even if we argued all the time, we stopped arguing when we went in the pool. To this day he says he loves me, tries to hug me when he sees me. I let him as im still scared of him as he gets angry if i dont. He never texts me when im gone. When im at home, he comes in and goes straight on his game rather than to say hi to me. In 4 days of being home, he spoke to me for about half hour and got annoyed that he missed something on his game. I do not love him and I just stay away from him. I'm still scared of him and feel uneasy when I go home as I never know when hes going to flip out.
I also have a cat who i consider a family member but i wont write about her really haha. I love her to bits and sadly only see her about once a month when i visit. She is 17 and a half years old and i'm sure I will hit a hard rock when she goes, which im not looking forward to..as I will be distraught.
My dad treated me that way up until i started visiting my boyfriend regularly, so its been many years that have shaped me to be this way and feel this negative towards him. He didnt like the idea of me getting my first boyfriend at the age of 18 i think i was, and immediately woke me up and said he lives too far its not going to last long.
When I got to a certain age like maybe 10, thats when I started to realise it wasnt normal, that this isnt how a family is supposed to be.
My dad actually threw a knife at my mum during an arguement, when i was about 2 years old and standing next to her. He missed us; when i remind myself of this (i dont remember it, my mum told me about 3 years ago), i ask why did my mum not do anything.
I have just looked up the crisis loan but its said you may no longer apply for a crisis loan..
I have found the willpower and support of my boyfriend to apply for housing at the local council here. I am worried they wont accept me as the first person though because I havnt lived in thurrock for 5 years which apparantly is a must? However if they make me apply for London, then my boyfriend wont be able to come with me..i dont think i could move without him as he is the only person im attached to and we both get really down when we are apart.
I sent in the application just now anyway and will just wait and see; i hope there is a chance and not just an instant rejection..
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lol I feel the same could definitely write a book on my bad experiences, can imagine it being a depressing read though :p
where to start..... glad the tablet thing helped, they do taste nasty when it sits on the bottom and you get it all in one go if u give it a stir just before you drink it u should be ok, will still be nasty though, no illusions there.
the relationship I have with my family is so confusing I don't think ill try to explain it... Im not sure I even understand it were just broken up and only see eachother when somethings wrong it seems....
my brother is in Thurrock when he wanted to move away when I was workin all over the country he wanted to move area's and they said he could move if there were family ties in that area. not sure if you have any family in Thurrock still.... that could help.
if not a crisis loan then a budgeting loan.... I haven't tried to get one in ages but with all the cuts it may be gone but I hope not cos ill be needing something like that when I can sort myself out..
Thurrock is expanding at the minute theres new builds going up all over the place and theres more going u near where I am soon. there redeveloping the area cos theres a new superport in tilbury...
sorry the reply isn't that detailed I just got wokeded up by the dogs and thought id check my mail
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yh just checked you can still apply for budgeting loans heres a link
https://www.gov.uk/budgeting-loans (https://www.gov.uk/budgeting-loans)
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Thank you i will look at that link when i get on a computer. Oh yes the new port thing will be around the corringham/coryton area. Ive been looking out for jobs there but its all driver and labourer jobs. I think its got 2 years yet until its complete. Dont think i could last 2 more years where i am.
Damn dogs lol, though saying that, my cat wakes me up all the time when i go home.
I went to the doctors today and i was allowed to stop the antibiotics as they have made me ill. I have always been underweight, i have lost 4-5 pounds in 5 days so i am now 5st 5
The doctor said its a big issue, that im severely sick with a low bmi. He told me to eat lots of calories. He said homeopathy is a load of rubbish and that i probably wont need counselling as it wont do much. He stuck me on tablets and basically thats my only way i can cope. He didnt refer me anywhere. He said i need to put on weight before it gets more serious.
The way he spoke to me, about being seriously ill, i didnt think it was the right method. I was already sitting there pale, sweating and shaking because the antibiotics and my mood was low, he just made it worse telling me i have a severe serious illness.it does not motivate me, ive had this weight issue forever and it makes me even more less willing to get better. He asked how i felt and i said i feel like just dying. I couldnt help but cry a little.. Him just sitting there staring at me emotionless.. Awkward.
I informed my mum of this and she is furious. Im contemplating whether i will take this medication because i had rashes with the 2 others i took. I feel im stuck in limbo
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no problem I hope you can get the help you need!!!
its all getting a bit much for me atm with being in limbo, not just with meds or therapy but with everything ... getting the right meds is important but I don't know if I am on the right ones yet, im not even sure how there supposed to make me feel, getting therapy is important cos it helps me speaking to someone face to face, even when I get that it doesn't mean yay im better its still going to be a struggle and it may not work... going to the docs I see a different locum doctor all the time so it varies from getting an ignorant a$$hole to getting someone who is sympathetic and helpful...
ive always been underweight as well never once have I been my ideal body weight... I don't know why a doc said once I just have a high metabolism, even when I went to the gym I didn't build much, just got more toned.
I do get low on energy a lot and ive never tackled the problem... replying to you now is making me wonder if I should try and do something when I goto the docs on Monday afternoon.
I couldn't advise on how to get heavier as I cant do it myself, ive read the theory of it and have tried over eating, only eating fatty takeaways which made me sick after 3 months, eating little and often but I just cant put any fat on.... I don't think there is any fat on my body..
hopefully someone here can help you with that or what your physically going through right now.
im not sure your doc was right saying counselling wont do much, that's your decision to make not his, the pleb. youd think he would be a bit more sensitive giving information like that... pick up a complaints form and report him if he was that bad! god im angry thinking about it I read and hear so much that people don't get the care or respect they are entitled to when they goto their gp's.... that's not to take anything away from the good ones out there because they do exist...there just few and far between.
your doc should have covered this but make sure you give it a couple of days at least before taking your new meds so the anti-biotics are out of your system. then if you decide to take the new ones take them at night and if anything does flair up while your sleeping you can book an appointment in the morning and change medication... its all a bit long of a process but would work in your favour !!
really hope you get better quickly !
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I was born and raised in in Thurrock and I always knew it was difficult to get a council property in Grays but other areas weren't so difficult. We were renting privately in Grays for several months but also on the waiting list and were told if we got an eviction notice due to contract ending we we offered a place. It meant accepting a flat in Tilbury but once we were in there we were able to move to a better area. This was back in 1999 though.
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@Craig
How many types of tablets do people generally go through until they find the right ones?
I'm not going to start mine yet until I put a bit of weight on I think.. as i normally feel a little sick when i first start a course.
After not being on antibiotics for over 36 hours now, i dont feel half as sick, and I have managed to eat and drink more so i'm slowly on the mend in that case :)
I had the same problem; i had like mcdonalds, crispy duck & egg fried rice, fish and chip takeaways all in one week for like 3 weeks straight and got up to 6st 2. I think it was too much for my body to handle and i soon went back down to like 5st 7 in a week.
People do recommend going on protein shakes; that it helps some people put on 2 stone in 6 months; but i have had that they taste really gross; I couldn't commit myself to having to drink that every day.. plus i've seen from places like holland&barratts that they are extremely expensive if you buy the big tubs.
The doctor didn't tell me to wait for the antibiotics to sort of flush through before taking the others.. thank you for that, I definately will be waiting a little.
I've been put on 2 types before and went to the doctors around 3 times about my rashes but they kept telling me its impossible that its the tablets :( I know it is though!
@Pip
I had recently worked in Grays; i quit the job in march i think but the area is so bad; the crime rate and just the area in general that I had to walk past looked really tacky; the amount of rude people that lived in them council houses near central grays.. its not an area i'd be very happy to go to. I've briefly seen part of Tilbury as i've gone past on the bus before and wow.. it looks worse than Grays in my opinion.. hear a lot about young youths with knives at the train station. I would like to move out but I do also worry what place I could end up at as i'm worried I could end up in a very unpleasant room and I'm scared that I would regret my decision.
I mean right now, I want to move so badly that I don't see myself regretting leaving my boyfriends family, because i do feel unwanted as does he most of the time; but i worry that he would hate moving out and regret it; which would bring my mood down as well.
Sometimes i already feel that i live in just one room; like a lodger; and i have to pay rent even though i buy all my own food etc and am unemployed. I think being treated like that by someone who is supposed to sort of care for you; is worse than being treated like that from someone you do not know.. if that makes any sense.
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Yes that part of Grays is rough. Stifford Clays is a much better area in Grays, I know people who have lived there since they were children and are quite happy living there. I used to live in Chestnut Avenue ~ if you don't know where that is google the postcode RM16 2UJ on google maps but where I grew up is privately owned property rather than council. Chadwell St Mary is okay to live in or if you're prepared to move out a bit further out Stanford Le Hope and Corringham come under Thurrock Council and are nice places to live.
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I dunno m8 in reality I don't have mch to go by until I meet people who are on the same pills...... for me I don't notice much in all honesty. recently I thought I did but alcohol has a way of tainting things.... unfortunately for me I got the weight feeling without the actual weight!!
I hear what your saying the areas u mentioned are like the best areas you can live in round here...... at least it was a few years ago until .... u know ... the normal kind of things we knew about became an argument in parliament....
ur not idiots.....
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put weight on without the actual weight ...
meaning connected but skinny as hell
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lol note to self don't come on here when drunk.. prat :p
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Must admit it would take a lot to get me to move back to Grays. The last time I was there was back in 2011 to visit my dad. My sister popped in with her middle daughter and grandson who was about 6 weeks then. Enjoyed that as I don't get to hold babies much these days. We did a flying visit to Dagenham as well that day to visit in laws.
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have to admit I don't like it here but I don't have much choice in the matter, its not as bad as some places ive lived but ive noticed a massive change in the past 5 years here... a lot more homes being built and schools having to expand due to demand. more crime and graffiti, more polish.... i did work in Dagenham a while ago in a few places but mainly the dagenham dock are.
id settle for a small village somewhere, a bit of peace wouldn't go a miss :)
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@Pip
I just looked up that area; it seems better than central Grays; I think around chafford hundred the area is okay; nice to have an indoor shopping centre that is actually open past 5. Grays is murder to walk through on a friday when all the cheap markets are out.
I heard wickford and leigh on sea are nice places... but they are moving further and further away from London. I sort of want to be near London but it costs an insane amount the nearer to London you get.
I think I'll just have to make do if I get put anywhere though; as when I compare it to where i am staying at my parents house at the moment (had a bit of a break down and felt like coming home), its not as bad. I mean only the other month a young guy was murdered 5 minutes from our house; the crime rate here is ridiculously high.
When I see how many bad things happen in life every day that also brings my mood down.. people are so nasty to each other in general its not really a nice world to live in.. i should refrain from ever watching the news or newspapers.
@Craig
lol no worries hope you are feeling better :)
I have actually started my diet today. i've never been one to investigate how many calories things have and this is the first time i've ever recorded it. I've managed approx 1,450. I mean its not great but at least its over half of a womans daily intake :') just got to keep it up. If you want to pile on pounds quick; then look at the burger king double bacon cheeseburger XL. I cant believe that thing packs an enormous 900 something calories! It really is a tough battle trying to eat the right food and pile on calories; i mean the doctor said just eat a lot of fat but I have done that with takeaways before and its ended up passing right through me. I never knew how fatty cheddar cheese was until today either :o
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lol thanks, went a bit too far with it yesterday... used to binge a lot when younger I still do it sometimes... hate myself for doing it but when things get too much I always trip up like that..
glad you started your diet I hope it works out for you. how are you finding it?
I've never really dieted and im not sure what the doctor will suggest for me when I go tomorrow. think its just the way im meant to be. skinny. I hate it !
im clueless when it comes to nutrition ......... I did buy a dummies guide to nutrition but I haven't even started reading it yet. just haven't been in the right frame of mind I guess. seems like I haven't been in the rright frame of mind for some time now.
mmmmmmmmmm burger king lol I was sittin here craving something to eat and couldn't put my finger on what and you saying that..... im dribbling lol
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I can understand why you do it, its like you can be in a happy place but only temporarily. Though for some people drinking makes them more aggressive; just depends on the person and the alcohol type. I have seen some people get more depressed after a couple of drinks.
I have wondered to myself if drinking or smoking would make me feel better sometimes mood wise but those are two things i strongly am against so i could never allow myself to do them even when i am at my lowest of lows..
Ive only done one day, still recovering from being ill but am feeling a lot more energy than i had in the past week. Its annoying having to weigh some things in order to work out how many calories there are in each thing and writing it down takes some time but it feels good seeing it on paper at the end of the day what you can achieve. I will probably get sick to death of writing everything down soon, i have the tendancy to give up and drop things, i hope i dont just give up with this diet so quickly as i do with everything else.
My doctors advise was minimal, i had to find out the types of things to eat myself; a dietician would be good to go to, if yours offers; mine never gave me the opportunity for one.
Hmm i have books to read, romance ones haha. I asked my mum to buy me some for my birthday the other months, in an attempt to escape reality for a while to try distract me from my feelings. I always put off reading them, never find the motivation. Ive only picked up one once and managed to do 300 pages in one sitting, took my mind off things for a while and i felt content as the story is nice and light. I have no idea how to get motivated to read ...
Gosh im craving a burger myself, because its 4am and i know no shops are open so it makes me want one even more ;(
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its like all happiness is very short lived for me, or periods of prolonged happiness seem to have a massive payoff after of being severely depressed and low... at my sisters party on the weekend I was extremely open about being depressed and everyones responses to that was "it'll work out in the end" "your a nice guy" "be more optimistic" ..... just felt patronising tbh.... I know they were just trying to support me though. im not an aggressive person in the slightest and I don't get like I was that much anymore, I try to avoid it... because im an idiot when drunk. need to find another outlet when things get that bad.
I'm glad your recovering and have more energy now :) makes things slightly easier!
hope you can keep it up, I can be the same when it comes to giving up and dropping things, mainly cos I don't feel worth the effort and hard work... im not sure where I get this feeling of entitlement to be so pessimistic about my getting better. I'm sure it helps seeing the achievements, probably gives you a goal to beat it the next day which will help you keep it up, its like your lil mission for now. hope it works out for you!!
my sister reads nothing but romance novels I think she has read over 500 books ... all romance, I duno how she does it lol most of what I read are self help books and psychology based, I want to read Stephen fry's autobiography too he interests me quite a lot, probably because of his bipolar. ive read bear grylls autobiography too but im not reading anything at the moment. sometimes I buy books with the incentive to read them and never do. cant say never really I still have time :)
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I get that too, I can never stay happy for long; its like a miracle if i'm happy for 2 days in a row. I can start off a day OK but then by the end of it; sometimes just my own ways of thinking can drive me into feeling miserable; without anything really bad having to happen on that day..
Yes thats all people say, I mean barely anyone knows about me; not that I know many people any way; but its always the same like 'hope you get better soon', 'it will pass', 'its just a phase'. None of it really helps; I mean the first one makes me feel as if I am sick and I feel insulted.. actually now I remember; the first time i was diagnosed was with this same doctor I had the other day and he said that I am sick and when I spoke about some of my food intolerance's he said that we will deal with them later when 'i'm better'
I was insulted at the time, and still am now when I think of it; as if he thinks im making stuff up about being intolerant to some foods, he said something about people imaging things when they are depressed.
I find that I get insulted no matter what people say; I find people that dont suffer from this just tend to pick the wrong words to use against me. However I do take each word literally in a sentence.
I'm so pessimistic about myself and everything in the world in general; been like it all my life as far as i've known. I want to get better in my mind and my bodys health but at the same time I havn't known my life or myself without these problems.. if that makes sense.
I think it may be because I have only ever had a few dreams in life but none have really been achieved. My dream has always been to go to America since I was 5. I was lead on by my Dad that we would go there as a family but years passed and it was always UK holidays that didnt end well. I've only ever been out of the country once and that was to Tenerife.. yawn. That dream of going to America used to help me plod along in life but right now it doesn't motivate me; I think because i've always been restricted and have never really seen outside of London and Essex; so I don't really know whats out there in the world.
Hmm Stephen Fry, im sure that will be an interesting read. I don't think i've actually read a proper autobiography before.. who knows it could help inspire me for a while. There is one autobiography i've had my eye on to pre-order and that's Nick Carters; only because i'm a huge fan of the band haha :p However his will cover his messed up family; which reminds me of mine in some ways; his alcohol and substance abuse; and other stuff. I'm sure I will read it and think for a while that there is hope in life; that you can be successful; but I'm sure that will only be short lived.
I have tried to occupy myself over the past 3 months with starting my own little ebay store; but lately my mood has been so bad that I am lucky I have my boyfriend to sort of look after it because i'm slacking so badly.. i want to make the store work but I also don't see it ever evolving enough for me to earn a high enough profit to have it as a job.
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Can completely relate! nothing bad has to happen during a day its just blugh .. im miserable....... I remember when I went to a group therapy session last summer the psychoanalyst said to me "your miserable aren't you" I realised then just how miserable and got teary... I hate being like this.
I have been insulted by docs before.. some don't even have to say anything. I remember one locum gp wasn't even looking at me and her tone of voice was pretty judgemental and she said she wouldn't refer me for therapy because I don't seem that bad to her. I was quick to lose it and told her to look at me .. when she did I reminded her that im human, I suffer with an illness that can be made worse by comments she just made and she should know more than anyone she has a duty of care for her patients and she was crap doctor (didn't say crap). I reported her after that.
yeah that made sense. I was seemingly a lot better than I am now, had a decent job and good circle of friends, did a lot more than I did now... its a kick in the teeth knowing I was better than I am now but cant see me getting there again...
any dreams I had were quickly quashed, I wanted to be a rally driver but my dad told me to be realistic. I too want to goto America, I want to do the route 66 one day and goto Alaska and do dog sledding... ive only ever been to malta, its a home away from home ive been there so many times and lived there for a while too.. would love to go travelling though... seems highly unlikely unless I won the lottery but I don't even do it lol
isn't nick carter from the backstreet boys? lol omg remember them, I wouldn't have admitted it at the time but I liked them.
i know a few people who sell on ebay but they don't earn that much, enough to help but not enough to live on. hope you find your drive again soon
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I get like that, I think i'm still coming to terms that I got this problem and when people tell it back to me it gets me upset a bit.
Wow thats a poor excuse. The doctor i went to previously didn't really brush on the topic much, it seemed like he thought it was nothing and that I just need to move out then i'll be okay. Its like anyone and everyone can be a doctor these days; i notice they go along with their opinions more than facts; and have to read out of books or google something before they can talk to me about anything.
I'm glad you reported her; hopefully you will never have to see her again.
Hmm yeah sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't have made certain decisions in life but you will always be left wondering. Hopefully one day you will get to the point where you dont look back and regret. Some days i think should i have really left my job.. for my health its a yes, for money its a no, and for the amount of rubbish i was having to put up with from fellow employees, definitely yes. I just hope to god that I find something soon to bring some income, then I probably wont look back at that place again.
That's another thing in common with us then :)
It is harsh when at a young age you are told things wont happen; because then you probably will never try. That was put into my head when I was younger and I always think logically now; i try to not dream or hope.
Would love to even win just 500,000 on the lottery but that will never happen..
Haha yes he is a backstreet boy; yeah i had to hide my liking for them as no one in my school really liked them; i've loved them since I was 5 and they should be back in London anywhere from November, December or February, so i'm waiting to jump at buying concert tickets :D
Thats one of the only things that keeps me going at the moment; my desire since I was 5 years old to meet them properly :')
Though even that some times feels like a goal too far to reach.
Thank you, i hope so too :( I have been making at least 1 sale every day for 30 days now; I think I made £130 in June and £150 in July.
I have some achievements like the only UK seller for some items but my account isnt popular enough that i'll get 20 sales a day on each listing. I hope I could achieve that one day but I really doubt it.
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its not an easy realisation tbh, diagnosing me is just one side of it, me accepting it is a different story. it took me so long to even notice how the depression was affecting me and im still learning today. its not easy but if I had known about this site at the beginning it would definitely have helped, I hope it helps you as much !!
oh yeah ive definitely made bad decisions most predominant were giving up a half decent job when I was 21 that I was in for 5 years and managed to do well and I moved to malta. moved to malta to try and rebuild my relationship with my dad but I got involved with a girl who confused things somewhat... its because of what I went through with her that I came back to the uk.
I would have said before I wouldn't change anything, what ive been through has made me who I am but then again....... im depressed and miserable as hell lol
we all make mistakes though and its cliché but making them is how we learn!
lol £500,000 ur greedy :p id settle for £5,000 would pay my debt and get me on the road again :)
yeah definitely its because of my dads actions I don't feel good enough for anything really. I never really got complimented for my achievements at school his comments were always, do better next time?! cheers pops how about acknowledging what I did achieve? there wasn't any real enthusiasm about any of my accomplishments tbh, had to pat myself on the back.
if you do ever meet them when you go don't faint will you lol would be such a waste :p
im not really an ebay person ive never bought anything off of it.... I don't trust it. maybe you could go on other sites too like gumtree or any others there might be to get what your selling more exposure?
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Just catching up, Been on a real downer today and have avoided coming on the forums.
I have the opposite problem of struggling to lose weight.
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anything in particular that brought that on or is it just one of those days where you feel down for no real reason... like me today and yesterday I've been really low..
obviously don't go into any detail if you don't want to..
my mum suffers with high blood pressure and high cholesterol, some of the pills she has been on over the years I think have played a part. she was always slim and in the past 8 years has put more on. warfarin rings bells but im not sure exactly what she has taken over the years.
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:hug:
for pip xxx
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I feel this site has helped me a little because I know i'm not alone in the way I feel and its comforting knowing that there are people who care and understand personally. Though at the same time its not nice seeing other people feel the same way as you because you know how horrible it is feeling like this.
Reading other peoples comments and topics also helps me to think and re-evaluate things; writing helps me learn new things about myself.
Oh i'm sorry to hear that.. did you manage to build your relationship with your Dad at all?
I guess sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and sometimes to appreciate things.
I had the exact comments from mine, even an A grade wasn't good enough for him. He was going to pay for me to retake all my GCSE's. I didn't do amazing but I thought I did ok! until he opened his mouth.
I guess both our fathers hadn't really grasped the concept of being a supportive parent verbally.
Ahh I did meet two; one of them was very briefly only said like two words to him. As all 5 were getting out of the car I stood there for a good 2 minutes with my jaw on the floor.... haha :') embarrassing
Sorry you've had a bad day Pip :( I hope tomorrow is better and brighter for you :) :hug:
My mum used to be a very slim woman up until about her 40's I think. She always eats healthy foods like salads; always home cooked stuff; but she has a constant battle with her weight because of an under active thyroid. She takes tablets for it but finds they help put more weight on.
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I think its a massive thing not to feel so alone in this, I know when I was at my lowest I didn't speak to anyone about what I was thinking/feeling until I had counselling every fortnight and that was just an hour I had to try and explain and work with my counsellor to try and get through.... it was soo hard going through it alone I got by reading books suggested by my counsellor which also helped but this has proved to help in a big way. its a massive learning curve too your right there.
with my dad I had started to yes but... lol as ever its complicated...ever heard the expression once bitten twice shy? well my dads first born son is my older brother, named after my dad and out of all of us kids my dad invested most in him, spent over £10,000 on courses so he could have a good career, paid for his driving licence, bought him cars, paid his rent, paid for a therapist for him too (brother was getting the money for this and not going) etc etc.... my brother completely took the pee out of my dad and whenever I asked for help with getting my licence he told me he'd reimburse me the costs... never happened, I wanted to do some courses in health and social care to become a counsellor, he didn't help, I needed dental work done he didn't help, I needed therapy when I was really low, he didn't help....ive also always prided myself on being honest and I let me dad know about my drug use, my promiscuity, I was honest about everything.... his always written me off and is just a judgmental snobby rich .... a**hole so in a nutshell no... we didn't rebuild the relationship it got worse, these days I rarely speak to him because he thinks im making up being depressed when ive ended up in hospital through suicide attempts and in and out of therapy... its annoying ive always looked upto my dad and seeked his approval and I ALWAYS fall short of his expectations, he is ashamed of me. he tells his family over in malta I do different jobs to what I actually do unless I sound like I have an impressive job, and he'll have a proper go at me if I tell people the truth out there... its a shame and I hate our relationship but I cant change it, believe me ive tried. ive even thought of changing my name and disappearing because of how dysfunctional my family is... I cant turn my back on my mum brother and sisters though...I wont do what they did to me! oh I didn't pass any gcse's I left school at 14 I was in Ireland at the time. was in my own flat and working by 15 while all my friends were at school.
make sure u learn from ur mistake fluffs and don't stand there jaw to the floor lol ive met a few celebs but I don't get starstruck that much my dad knew some famous people when I was growing up and ive had to sit at dinners with the president of malta and a load of ambassadors, been on roman abromavich's super yacht when he was in malta to see my dad and others...
saying that id get starstruck if I met the teenage mutant ninja turtles these days id be like u I reckon I loved them as a kid :P
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Yeah its hard to sum up everything in just a one hour session. When I had counselling when I was about 14; one week I would be a bit eager to speak to the woman, then by the next week I would not want to go because I just didn't want to speak about my feelings because it is quite a lot you are exposing about yourself and some days im just not in the mood to talk, would rather deal with it myself.. which is something I worry I will feel if i went counselling again.
Hm sounds like favourtism.. that would be enough to make me dislike him; its unfair when one kid gets treated more than the others.
If all he does is put you down and think you are lying then you don't really need someone like him in your life; the more you see and talk to someone who makes you feel like rubbish, the worse you will become.
I'm very sorry to hear that he treated you like that even when you went to hospital.. i think fathers just don't want to believe it so they choose not to, or are just ignorant because they dont feel that way and dont try to understand. My dad is the same; if he hasn't got it then he doesn't believe it. He doesn't actually know i've got depression; no one tells him because we all know he will say anything and everything that isn't supportive.
Did you move to a flat by choice?
Sounds like you need to have people from outside your family, like a friend or whatever who actually supports you because it sounds like everyone from the inside doesn't appreciate you..
wow you've had some experience then lol
haha when you say teenage mutant ninja turtle; one of the bsb started off as an actor in Disneyland as a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
I will probably cry this time if i meet them fully, i'm too emotional sometimes and lately cannot control the water works!
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yeah I remember those times, im extremely logical too and rationalise the always crying as a sign that you just cant hold things in anymore and you want help. ive been in tears and cried out "why is this happening to me" before now.
oh dear which one was that then, gotta be brave to do that job I wouldn't do it lol
yeah I do that's why im grateful for this place ! the people who would support me live to far away.
some experience yeah lol when you bring everything into account with me its no wonder Ive done stupid things before.
was definitely a matter of favouritism and ive said all this to my dad before, I studied the reasons why I am the way I am and I had the balls to tell my old man what I thought, he was just angry that I contradicted his parenting. he didn't acknowledge what I was saying. nowadays I know Im better off getting rid but every so often ill speak to him and quickly remember why I don't speak to him. his so condescending !
im sorry too if your dads the same I know what its like.
my first counsellor was really good in the way she explained things cos I was really nervous when I first went in but I still opened up. she told me that it would feel worse before it felt better and thered be times I hated her for challenging me but you need to go through it to understand things and I think when you do understand them its easier to let go.
hows the diet going still counting your calories? are you noticing anything with your meds as yet?
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yeah my mum has always told me that crying is a safety valve; that you need to let it out or else you will snap in the future. My sister never cries and completely snapped a couple of years back because of all her pent up problems. It was a disaster to witness..
Uh that was the oldest one, Kevin, the one I met for maybe a minute; he signed m CD. Lovely & kind man but extremely tall, he had to crouch down to speak to me :-[ ^-^
Same i'm glad this is available because I actually do not have any friends. If I still kept my school friends they wouldn't know how to cope with me anyway. Kind of sucks not having friends but at the same time I kind of like it because i dont need to commit myself to a lot of people and there's less people who can hurt me.
Wow I applaud you for having the guts; did it feel better letting it out? I'm too scared to tell my dad how I feel. I have so many years worth I'd like to say to him but i'm too scared to ever do it. I don't get why they dont like accept something and apologise; theres always got to be an excuse for it or something.
Hmm.. i'm considering trying to get one, i think i just had a bad experience because I was about 14 so they were allowed to contact my mum as I was under 18. Sounds like you did have a nice counsellor, I hope I can get a decent one.
Ah the diet... i got lost because my mum threw some food packets away so I couldn't count for half the day. I'd say yesterday and today i've hit between 500-1000. Not as good as the first day but I'm still feeling ill so I cant force myself to eat as much.
I actually havn't started taking the fluoxetine or whatever it is yet; how can i say it in a non gross way... my tummy is not exactly agreeing with me at the moment; gut ache.. i think i still have some bad bacteria in there so it would be kind of pointless taking medication if it will be out of my system again within 2 hours lol.
I'm also nervous about taking them again because I am so scared of breaking out into rashes again. I'm already feeling down as it is, if i get an outbreak like last time I will be at rock bottom yet again.
The doctor doesn't really care and just stuck me with tablets again. He said if i get any problems he will just change them AGAIN.
Its not as easy at that though; until you get an appointment you have to sit there and endure the itching for days. They make you buy cream from the pharmacy and it doesnt help the itching much. At one point my skin was so blistered and i was red raw that I just sat in the corner of the room and cried because I was so stressed out and also couldn't sleep well because I would wake up extremely itchy ever couple of hours.
Bad times ;(
I think I will only go on them when my stomach settles down and if I really feel like there is no other way.
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yeah don't rush taking them until your ready and if they made you flair up in a rash as bad as you said I wouldn't take them at all !
fluoxetine gave me the poo's, theres no nice way of sayin it lol
heres what my new ones say in the massive leaflet. Paroxetine
used for:
depression
ocd
panic disorder with or without agoraphobia ( fear of leaving house or being in public places going to the shops)
social phobia
generalized anxiety disorder
post traumatic stress disorder.
so if you think you have any of them ask your doctor if they can suggest any other pills if you don't want to take the ones your on, I rate the ones im on though. they seem to work for me, I might take a job I feel that good atm but I cant get complacent and crash. don't want that to happen.
yeah if your dad flips easily I wouldn't confront him id rather be safe than sorry.. it did and didn't help me confrfonting my dad. Im content with myself for doing it but I didn't get any pay off for doing it. didn't get the answers I wanted. id say be very careful and think a lot about it, if you know your dad well enough you know weather it can be done or not. don't put yourself at risk though!
I prefer keeping to myself tbh.. im so up and down I can go months without speaking to people.
well u have a friend here now :hug: :p
are you short then ? do you find a lot of people tall? my sister Carla is only 5"0 I call her pingu cos she has a phat arse and she waddles pmsl
my mum says the same. whenever im struggling she always tells me to cry and let it out lol I get teary but I don't cry anymore, I used to cry over the smallest things but im quite a sensitive type anyway lol
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I think I have been put on fluoxetine twice and citalopram once. I just read the prescription sheet i'm supposed to hand over to buy my prescription and yep he gave me fluoxetine again :/
I may think about mentioning that one if i go back to a doctor about it; i may even change surgeries yet because I am not liking the place I go to.
I will probably request for a female doctor even though one is only in once a week and has like at least a weeks waiting time.
I'm sort of worried about getting work again because I worry I will get really down like last time and could quit.
Yeah I wouldn't do it unless my mum or someone else is around. However sometimes i think of it that if i had let him hit me, my mum probably would have forcefully remove him from the house and then we would all be free of him. There's always going to be 'what if's'
Good im not the only one; sometimes i find it too much effort to talk to people. The more people you know, the more effort you have to make. Generally the people I used to be friends with always talked about themselves and never really asked me how I was. I wasn't allowed to feel negative around them; always had to fake being happy and thats one thing I always have to do around my boyfriends family. Some days I can hide it well but some days I can't because I feel like im lying to myself about my feelings and sometimes I just want to tell everyone to leave me alone; im having a bad day; dont want to socialise.. but I can't just say it.
I am sensitive too lol. but i think im too sensitive that its unhealthy.
I do have a bit of an anxiety problem and sometimes when too many people are around me i panic inside and need to get out of the room.. can't really explain it but its happening more regularly now. I hate going out a lot of the time, i'm a little cave person hiding behind a computer half of the day... actually most of the day :')
LOL Pingu! ahh i loved watching Pingu back in the day haha. Well i'm 5ft 2; I see year 7 kids taller than me, its embarrassing but nothing I can do about that.
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yeah good shout, the half decent gp I had at my old surgery retired and everyone I had after him were rubbish so I moved gp and haven't got any complaints so far. well the surgery was a bit sweaty and hot but that's all really :P definitely worth it if your not getting what you want.
id say take your time getting back into work if your that worried about it, one thing ive learnt though, is sometimes throwing yourself in the deep end can help, sometimes being depressed we worry too much about things that may not be real, scare ourselves out of doing things but sometimes it could be the best thing for you. obviously you've felt a bit anxious and scared before going to an interview and after it walked out and thought to yourself that it wasn't that bad after all.. same kinda thing but you know your limits! if you don't think you can handle it don't do it. only when your ready!
that's one of the hardest things when people don't understand what your going through and you have to hide things and put on a façade that everythings fine when its not. I remember being so bad I couldn't even hide things it was so obvious I was depressed I found joy in nothing. eventually you learn that you have to enjoy everything you can on good days and on bad days remember that you can experience some good even though that feels impossible at the time.
I really hope you find a doctor who is helpful and you find the right meds to take the edge off. At least you have a supportive boyfriend and people here to support you I think being alone makes things worse when your depressed.
the paroxetine im taking have helped so far I know Ive said it before but it helps with my anxiety a lot! what works for one person may not work for another but ifyou were to ask about them and get prescribed them I really hope they help much as they help me!!
get a lead and take ur cat for a walk :p yeah pingu confused me lol spoke really weird but cute as :)
being sensitive definitely sucks, especially being a bloke its not macho in the slightest but its something that makes me who I am so I don't mind it really, id rather be in touch with my emotions than act like im immortal. im only short too 5"7 and still worry I don't have my id when buying drink or cigarettes lol still get asked sometimes and im 28...
I really don't feel 28 though, hate getting old :( thought id be a lot further in life by now :(
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Decent GPs are like gold dust. Several months ago I saw a locum as I had a lump about 1 1/2 inches above my right leg and he just put it down to a rash as I was suffering with that and itchy skin as well. A few days later my skin was really sore there so I looked in a mirror and there was an open wound which was leaking. I was able to see a nurse practitioner who took one look at it and told me it was an abcess :bash:
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I think I have been out of work since mid march.
As soon as I quit, I had some people from my boyfriends dads side of the family (i dont live with that side of the family) saying stuff like im a complete idiot leaving with a stable job etc. It was not nice to hear.
I feel like the day I left, i've been constantly asked if I am looking for work and I feel extremely pressured.
I have to pay rent at my boyfriends even though I don't work. He pays £40. I pay £10 now; I was on £20 until the other week.
If he didn't pay my extra tenner; I dont think i would be allowed to stay there. Which does sort of hurt because money seems more important to them than my health or anything. Only his mum knows I suffer from depression but all she has said really is that I cant stay in bed all day and that she thinks moving out will be best for us. I don't feel properly supported there; I feel like im expected to make ends meet but I struggle mentally. Just don't think they get it!
Yeah I get too comfortable and get scared to test myself.. I actually have an interview for an apprenticeship on the 15th for Heathrow airport.. it seems I passed the telephone interview which I did not think I had done well in. I'm going to be absolutely petrified! Its like a 4 hour course and you get a group assessment. I am so nervous around other people I hate being in groups.. :'(
Yeah hes okay at being sort of supportive now but its been a long struggle trying to get him to understand. He asked if me not getting out of bed was laziness; as he didnt really believe i had depression. It wasnt until I shoved my latest prescription in his face that he finally believed it and that I need help because I have been described with anti depressants around 4 times now.
It must be hard for him because I mean we are both 21; i dont think he ever imagined himself going out with someone with this kind of problem. It has been extremely difficult for me being with someone who has took so long to understand and accept, because I have felt alone this whole time.
That may be one to look at as I do get awful anxiety..
Yeah I hate guys who think its not manly to cry or show emotions. When I talk to a guy I want to know that he is actually human and not a programmed robot that cant care for anything because it would ruin his ego or reputation.
Ah i've seen guys shorter; 5'7 isnt too short but I know what its like not being the kind of height you would want to be.
I cant even buy a lottery ticket; and you have to be 16 for one. I had to claim one once and I had to go home and bring my birth certificate to the shop.. they gave me the money but told me they still didnt really believe me :/
Im supposed to be 21 but I seem to pass off as 15 to people. Some people insult me so I do find it very upsetting.
You arn't the only one.. my sister is actually 27 and has not moved on. Still lives with my mum.. plays computer and video games most the day. Thats her life.
Oh wow Pip thats just shocking.. I cant believe he couldnt tell the difference between that and a rash. Its ridiculous how they never prevent things; we have to wait until things get really bad until we are treated :/
I hope it is all okay now
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its not nice to hear things like that when your going through it, it doesn't seem like that side of the family are supportive or understanding at all, with how its different at home for you is there a chance of staying there for a while? I know how hard it is going through depression and being in an environment which seems to make things worse!
the walls were thin in my house and I could hear everything people were saying about me. hated it.
that's good what is the apprenticeship for ? I do still get nervous about things like that. even with all the experience I have going for interviews when the symptoms of depression kick in it can make the simplest thing so terrifying! there been other times im so confident I haven't got jobs because the companies didn't think they could hold me. is this something you really really want, would you be devastated if you didn't try ? id like to give the advice that you should at least try so you cant tell yourself you didnt give it a go. you never know you could buddy up with someone who is supportive or the staff could be really helpful. its easy to say go into it with a positive outlook but doing it is the real test. its probably going to be hard whatever you decide to do just don't let it be the be all and end all of things.... you can always try later in life when you are feeling up to it!
at least he is trying, some would be too selfish to even do that, ive always said if there isn't respect, trust, communication, understanding and honesty in a relationship things rarely work. its easy for people to judge when they don't understand, some people point blank refuse to understand like my dad.... my ex also knew I had suffered with depression but when it came back she wasn't prepared to support me. im used to going through this alone and as much as I hate it... Its definitely made me stronger. I wish sometimes I had a partner to cuddle upto when low, my dogs hair keeps getting in my mouth when I cuddle him, and he smells lol
do you tell yourself youll look 20 when your 40 to make yourself feel better like I do too :p
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pip my brother had one of those on his face it was awful it swelled up something rotten he looked like quazimoto from the hunchback of notre dame :p is it all healed up now?
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It took a few weeks to heal as the abcess was quite big by the time it started leaking. There were two open wounds the size of my little finger nail. It was very painfully for about a week as well. The nurse was annoyed with the locum. I haven't seen him since thankfully and every time I see a nurse or doctor it's always one I trust.
I must admit I suffered in silence as my family appear normal but are dysfunctional behind closed doors. Even my husband didn't know when we first married as I had plenty of practise of hiding it. When he found out he found it hard to deal with as he suffers with depression as well and I was 'the strong one'. Just him knowing helped as I could finally be honest. We've muddled through when we are at worst at the same time though.
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at least your clear of it now it was pretty gruesome when my bro had it. was something out of a horror film.
feel the same about my family pip with them seeming normal and reputable but behind closed doors its anything but!
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well his dads side doesnt know, have only seem them a few times over the past 2 and a half years. They arnt the type who would understand though, i can just tell.
The apprenticeship is some type of business admin. You get paid less on them than a typical job but I'm always getting turned down for jobs because I only have 5 months experience.
But then for some apprenticeships im over qualified and they reject me. cant win!
i dont think i would be devestated but i will wonder if i didnt go like could there have been the chance of getting it. I may go to it from my house as its an hour and a half train journey whereas from essex its about 2 hr 10. If i get it i would totally try and move nearer.
haha i can relate with my cat. I've been giving her cuddles every day and when she jumps off me, i happen to be wearing white; so my clothes just turn black with all her fur. She wipes her head all over my face so I have to spend the next 10 mins picking off fur stuck to my face, up my nose and in my mouth :-\
I agree with the family thing. Everyone, even my grandparents, though we were all ok with eachother for years. they know a little about things now but there's still so much they dont know. Everyone outside the house thinks my dad is a pleasant, caring, kind man but he is anything but that.
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sounds a shame about his dads side, as if things aren't hard enough without being judged and not supported.
I was thinkin of doing an apprenticeship because im not really qualified in anything but I couldn't take one because of the pay, theres no way I could afford to be independent doing an apprenticeship. I hope you give it a go anyway.
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His dads side were just all annoying and loud mouthed in general, always fighting at christmas parties etc.
Yeah after the age of 24 you gotta fund it yourself, can be anywhere from 3,000 to 15,000
I have been job centre 3 times and today they send me a letter saying they will not pay me job seekers. They said based on 5th april 2011 to 2012 that its based on. I wasnt even working then.
I wasnt even working then! I was just finishing college april 2011.
I may ring them asking why on monday
The government are too busy paying out money for foreigners who havnt earnt their time in the uk, or paying housing and child benefit to those with 5 kids plus. I dont want a fortune from them, i just need help to pay my rent at this house and to pay for interviews but i dont even get that!
I am now royally peeved off and upset. When jsa cant give you money, who else can you turn to ?
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you've got to try and appeal their decision, I don't understand why they wouldn't pay you unless its because you were at college?? I know they wont pay you if you are a student but even so your not one now? I hate the system we live in its wrong on so many levels.
hopefully you have a good case to appeal !