Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Tiggyangel on July 23, 2013, 06:08:38 AM
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Hi thanks for acceting me into the forums i'm hoping its gona be a big help to me, i struggled with the subject but basically starting from the beginning, in secondary school it was hell, i can only recall very little from 5 whole years because as a coping mechanism i forced myself to forget everything or just didn't register anything at the time so that part of my life is like standing in dark room only seeing the faintest of light. What caused this was bullying and my lack of being able to cope and being so alone and the guilt of knowing that gangs of these bully's were attacking myself, my family and my home (we had a least two windows smashed by glass bottles both of which i was standing next to at the time, which didn't help my nerves but anyway) what carried me through was the single thought that life after could be better if i persevered through such dark times. Then came sixth form and at first it was better, i made friends for the first time and felt accepted, but by the end of sixth form my trust in everyone i had met there was betrayed and i was heartbroken (Basically a bad first time sexual experience that i thought would remain private between me and the other person was spread all through the friends i made and not one of them told me until weeks or months after it happened which affected me badly) During these seven years i went through such painful and dark depression and i didn't even realise it until much later, i hated myself entirely and was self harming, only the hope and the love i had for my family and the thought of making them suffer even more by me committing suicide was all that kept me going. The majority of what happened to me went on fairly silently as my brother was suffering from depression but wasn't willing to admit it or seek the help and still to this day make living at home with my family a living hell and no longer an option for me.
So after the seven years i was more than happy to leave my home town and start anew (i did miss my family though and still went back to see them for short breaks) and i started at university, my brothers jealousy and spite for me though made things very difficult for me and my mum even though i'd moved away. Anyway i started my course and met a guy on a social night out and amazed myself by having the courage to talk to him and start going out with him, i also managed to make new friends but know wiser i soon realised which ones to drop. Although things had improved and i know had the support of my boyfriend i was still very depressed but was now realising it, my bf encouraged me to go see the doctors and they perscribed me with citalopram but at the same time i had begun twitching in my arms and shoulders which only added to it. After many appointments and scans the doctors said that it must be phcological. So i'm on the medication and trying my best to get through university and support my bf who has very little money as he's on benefits and he was also suffering with depression.
Then during my sceond year my grandfarther passed away after a long time in hospital, it was very difficult to cope with as my grandmother (his wife) was also in the hospital and was suffeing with dementia. This solitary, kind hearted and stubborn old fool left such a hole in our lifes, nothing has been the same without him, we all at that time came together as a pretty messed up and dysfunctional family and silently supported each other and felt bonded like i had never felt before. Then after the funeral my grandmother suffered an episodeand was in hospital again, when she woke up she asked where her husband was and why he hadn't come to see her. She had forgotten that he has died, the funeral and everything up to a month or so afterwards. This was one of the most difficult things we had to endure as a family, and it still makes my heart break knowing how alone and scared she must have felt.
We all helped each other to work through things and things were hopefully getting back on track. Hoever i was on and off the citalopram cause i struggle with taking pills reguarly and was finding it difficult but kept going knowing that now i only had bout 6 months of uni left. I was looking forward to my 21st birthday but my grandmother (my other grandmother, not the one with dementia) was in hospital, everyone thought that she would be home eventually and would at least have another few years to be comfortable. Her 80th birthday was the day before my 21st, my mum and auntie went to visit her on the day with a cake, flowers, balloons the whole shebang. But she suddenly took a turn the night before and the nurses hadnt noticed, she died of blood poisoning later that day with my mum and auntie at her bedside. words cant decribe the feeling that is still all of us even months after. My mum, the independant, strong and bravest woman i know wept to me over the phone simply because she was still expecting y grandmother to y on the other end of the phone when she rang. My foolish stubborn dad did try to comfort my mum but lets just say, he's not exactly a care bear even though he is the size of a real life bear :), this bloody fool did something that he had never done in 21 years, he hugged me, and comforted me. Since my grandmothers death i somehow managed to carry on through college and finish with a decent enough grade.
So thats the story up till now, (so sorry for the long post :( ), now i'm looking for a job and i'm living off benefits with my bf and desperatly trying not to to fall back into the 'darkness' that was what i felt before, i gained so uch strength and fought tooth and nail to get where i am now but it feels like i've failed myself and my family by not doing better and not havng got a job yet since i left uni about a month ago. I'm terrified tat i'll never get a job and will be stuck in this vicious cycle for years like my brother was, and that i'll sink back into depression and end up loosing my bf and everything i worked so hard for. Lately with the heat wave we're having i haven't slept during the night for the past few weeks, instead i've been sleeping during the day and have ended up not going out and barely seeing my bf. I'm now a wreck and can hardly go out else i end up having a panic attack and not coping, the same things that were happening when my depression was worse. I feel like i'm trapped in cycle thats leading to me self harming again that i'm never going to get out of.
I really appreciate any replys that people put and congrats if you made it all the way to the end :) I'm really sorry it's so long and probably boring and i'm sorry if it seems like i'm attention seeking.
Many thanks in advance,
Tiggyangel x
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erm sorry just noticed a little typo, "not wanting to make my family suffer by me commiting suicide."
sorry
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:hug: You've done amazingly well for yourself considering you suffer with depression.
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Thank you so much pip, that means so much. I managed to go back to the doctors today, i'm having a blood test soon and i'm now on sertraline 50 mg a day. hopefully the only way from here is up, especially after i just got a rejection from a job :/
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best thing about having the experience you have is knowing that you can still get to the lighter sides of life even after all the darkness ! so keep working as hard as you are and remember that somethings take time and effort. take the bad with the good and don't give up.
i agree with pip you've done amazingly well given your circumstances in your past you must remember to be pproud of that cos you did it! no one else!
i feel a bit useless when it comes to looking for work because i dropped out of school at 14 and never got any qualifications. all i can do really is warehouse work because i don't really like dealing with customers face to face.
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oh what did you study at uni?
what line of work are you trying to get into ?
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Hi Tiggyangel, and welcone to the forums,
you have done well despite such a dark childhood, have you told yout bf of this?
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I wouldn't let not having a job sorted out get to you. Things are tough out there and I'm sure that there are any number of people engaged in exactly the same position as you. When I left university many years ago jobs were very easy to find. But things have changed completely. Do you have a specific career path in mind or are you just looking for anything suitable. Whichever I wish you the best of luck.
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Thank you so much everyone it means so much :hug:
I studied Forensic Biology and biology and got a 2:2, hoping for something in a lab but been applying for all sorts atm.
Just started taking the meds today and actually managed to sleep and go out with my bf just out to gregs but still (he knows everything btw). Think the meds have made me feel ill and a bit dizzy though.
OH btw i've been offered an interview with a forensics company, i'm still in shock but really nervous cause the interviews in london :S and its something so huge to go to, the interview and london. So yeah really mixed emotions at the moment :S
Thanks to everyone again x
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its good that your bf knows your situation, and is standing by you.
as for the meds, they can have all sorts of effects on the body, particularly at the start....what have they got you on?
side effects can dissapear after a week or two, or they might change the meds your on
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I hope the interview goes well.
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yeah me too all the best!!!! :cheerleader:
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Thank you so much to everyone, i'm just hoping i improve before the interview on tuesday. i'm not sleeping at night or not until 6am at least and waking up at 2pm, i was hoping to have sorted it but now i'm getting pretty stressed and nervous that i won't sleep the night before the interview :(
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I was once told when I had insomnia that the reason people like me find it so hard to sleep is because its at those times just before you drift off your mind is racing thinking of all the thoughts in your head and that if I tried to organise them it could help me sleep.
I have tried organising them and cannot understand how to do it BUT understanding why I cant sleep helps. trying to fall asleep dreaming of a life without worries or depression can help too, i win the lottery every night in my dreams that helps me sleep lol
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I just thought I would wish you luck with the interview. I used to hate the things myself. It gets easier when you have a bit of experience behind you. But best of luck.
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:cheerleader: good luck TIGGS :cheerleader: hope you got enough rest and knock it out of the park today !!!
let us know how you get on :)
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Tiggyangel, hope all went well today.
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Thanks so much guys :hug: finally back after 6 hours travelling for a 1 hour interview, just a shame i fell over getting of a train and twisted my ankle :-[ I'm hoping i did ok, should hear back in a week or two, was so nervous though i was shaking before i went in. I'm just trying to set myself up so that i'm not as disapointed if i get rejected. Another rejection letter from a different job doesnt help much, but hey i suppose it's better than nothing. Still really nervous though because if i get rejected from the job from today then it'll feel lie i've wasted so much money on travel :(
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sounds like you took the advice "break a leg" too seriously :p joking aside I hope your ok
whatever happens take today as experience, it was your first interview for a lab position wasn't it?
rejection letters are better than nothing your right! some companies don't even have the decency to tell you that your not successful.
keep your train tickets ! if your on jobseekers you can claim your travel back for interviews !!
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Hi Tiggyangel
I think exactly the same way when I sit there waiting for a reply from a job; it gets me down when i get rejected because you don't have an income yet are expected to pay to go to interviews which can cost a fair amount. And when you add them all up its awful. I also now set myself up so i'm not so disappointed, it hurts less when rejection happens.
Within time you should hopefully be more confident with the more interviews you get. I used to be extremely timid and shaky in interviews. I always got positive feedback for my qualifications and knowledge but negative feedback on my quiet and nervous personality. In the end from being rejected so many times and having regular interviews, I knew I needed to force myself to be confident because sadly thats what every employer seems to want the most.
I do not act overly confident as if I am obnoxious; i find it hard to compliment myself, its just enough to try to fool the interviewer that im relatively confident when im actually not.
I'm in the same boat with being unemployed. Many times I have come second because the employer has chosen confidence over qualifications.
I wish you the absolute best of luck and hope that you get the position.
Everything happens for a reason; sometimes we have to go through a string of rejections to finally find the right employer who wants us. Every interview means experience, sometimes the interviewer will give feedback so you know how to improve for the next interview.
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The more interviews you go to the more you learn from the experience. I know when I was at college I went to a number of interviews. It got to the point that I was so used to rejection letters that I expected to carry on with my education for another year at least. I then got offered a job for the Thames Water Authority before it was privatized and soon after that I got accepted for the civil service and after starting the other job. I took the civil service job as it was offering more money and the travelling was about the same.
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Hi guys i'm really sorry that its been more than a month since I last posted things have been pretty hectic. For starters I didnt get the job in london and im still without a job :( i've been to about 4 interviews in all so far and still nothing. in the middle of this and other problems my mum made a suprise visit over to stay at mine for the weekend as she was getting too stressed out with my dad and his side of the family (its complicated, and my dads a bit of a dick sometimes :-X ) straight after me and my bf went back with her to stay with them for a week cause of birthdays. in the middle of that week I had another interview that I didnt get the job for. then this last week I thought I actually had a job but the company turned out to be pretty crooked so I had to decline it, so i've fallen further than usual :'( plus the pressure from my mum doesnt help, dont get me wrong I love her very much but she would like to keep me at home wrapped in cotton wool even after years of living away, I know she means well anyhoo. so whew! after all this my depression has been really up and down, not helped by me struggling to take the medication every day :( just hope things get better, I just want to have my own self worth :'(
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Sounds like it's been quite hectic for you. Try not to get down though with searching for a job. The simple fact that you are trying to get one and going to interviews is being positive even though it may not feel like it is.
My mum used to encourage me to be independent which I liked as I wanted to be. My dad is the same but in some respects wanted to be protective but then I've always been a 'daddy's girl' anyway :biggrin: .
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Interviews are definitely positive, a lot of people don't even get to that stage. If you are falling down at the interview stage, have you considered interview coaching? If you still live near your University then your careers office will likely offer this service for graduates. I had one today actually and it was incredibly useful. She noticed many things that I would never have picked up on myself. Ways to sell yourself and tips and tricks as well as ways to phrase questions and to keep every aspect of the interview positive. Of course she did add the caveat that it is an incredibly difficult jobs market at the moment and sometimes you just lose out to someone better. If this is the case then you just have to keep trying hard as it is (I know as I am in the same situation myself). I don't suggest doing what I did as the careers adviser was a little surprised when I broke down and cried just before I left but then that's another story and she was very nice about it.
Not sure this is helpful but just some thoughts
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Hi, so yeah things arn't good. Ive been rejected from so many jobs now i don't care at this point if i get a job or not. The situation with my former housemate who instead of paying his rent decided to buy an £800 pound computer instead and still owes either me or our landlord money still hasn't given me the money so i cant get my deposit back, this has been going on since july.
Im just completly spent, i just feel hollow and theres nothing left. im on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend because i dont even know if i love him anymore. theres just nothing left, i dont even have the will in me to delf harm anymore much less take any medication
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I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.